There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?
I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it...or that it was my lot in life...my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries...OK to say "no".
Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things...of Yahweh showing me what I had to do...every little step of the way...for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me...showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.
I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.
I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things...continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward...not backward.
Life is good. Yahweh God is good. He is what makes life good. Otherwise, there really isn't much this world has to offer to me. I see what is happening all around me. Things are coming to a head and we had all better be ready. I mean ready in the spiritual sense because I really don't believe there is much we can do in the physical.
This world is running on a plan. Evil has a plan, and it will appear to work for awhile. Then it will fail. Yahweh God, who made all things, will always be the ultimate victor. He is more powerful than anyone, or anything, on this earth. Count on it! I eagerly await Yeshua/Jesus' return.
My family wants me to reconnect with them. Call "home". Check in. It is not going to happen. If it does, it will be on my terms, not theirs. Until Yahweh God makes it very clear that I am to call them, I won't. Period. End of subject.
I have just gone through about a month of reconnect programming being triggered with several days this week being the strongest. Well, it did not work. Yahweh God is protecting me. He has shown me His protection, even to the point of sending angels (seen by someone else).
The one time I did get accessed, by a local therapist, it was because I was confused about what I was hearing inside. I saw the danger signs but did not properly interpret them. Still, He was there with me. He allowed me to realize what happened and taught me through it. I am wiser now. He turned it around for my good. Nothing happens without His either causing it or allowing it. I choose to trust Him for whatever happens...good or bad.
Several times He has clearly given me directions to keep me safe. I will keep on listening to Him and learning to hear Him better. If I am taken, He will use it somehow for my ultimate good, like teaching me. He will show Himself strong in me.
I will NOT fear!
It is no fun being triggered. That is a no brainer! I mean...heck...it goes without saying, right?
I feel as if I have been slammed back into my early recovery time. Well, not early recovery as a whole, early recovery as in the alcohol time. I was in recovery for a few years before I started to drink again and then realized that I needed to look at alcohol, too.
I don't know if it is programming...and music was used for programming? Or if it is just the typical stuff of having had a problem with drugs and alcohol...if it is that "I want to change the way I feel" kind of thing going on. It can be hard to say. I just know that there are certain types of music, certain songs, that just pull me back to a time I don't want to relive. And Saturday morning, I was in a place with that kind of music...feeling myself getting pulled into it. Along with it comes the feelings, the desires, the draws, the pulls, etc. I feel crazy inside.
I also feel rushed. I have been wanting to come and write, but I have been so busy...too busy in fact. It is overwhelming. And on top of all the busyness, I have been slammed into the past, struggling with some old issues, dealing with sickness in the family, etc. I feel as if what I am writing here is rather rushed... but oh, well. It is the best I can do right now. Ack!!! *smile*
I also feel kind of ticked off at my t right now...but that is a different subject that I am not prepared to get into at the moment. Maybe later when I have more time. It is actually good for me to feel anger. I know that he will be proud of me when he reads the email I sent telling him that I am angry with him. It does not say much...just that I am angry. With him.
Well, I gotta run. Got a lot to get done. I am going to try to get back here sooner.
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