There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?
I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it...or that it was my lot in life...my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries...OK to say "no".
Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things...of Yahweh showing me what I had to do...every little step of the way...for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me...showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.
I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.
I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things...continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward...not backward.
Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.
I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else...in fact many someone elses...have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don't know.
I do know that there can be many things that we don't see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.
I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend...or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one...but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are "older". Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.
I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten...currently. I am fairly healthy...as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving...I have food to eat. I have shelter...I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass...or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm...maybe I don't have it so bad after all?
There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don't know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor...or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.
I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don't know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.
However, I won't give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside...bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don't want to hate...yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say "I hate". I really don't want to go there. I want my heart to be free...not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.
Nope...I don't want to go there. I must find a way to work through...and truly forgive.
This is something I have pondered for some time. I mean, when someone is accused of something, they have a "defense" attorney. They are given the opportunity to "defend" themselves...to explain their part, or lack of it, regarding what happened. This is considered a good thing...to be able to defend oneself. In fact, we would cry "foul" if such an opportunity were not given!
I decided to look it up at:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/defensive
This is what it said:
- Main Entry:
- 1de·fen·sive
- Pronunciation:
- \di-ˈfen(t)-siv, ˈdē-ˌ\
- Function:
- adjective
- Date:
- 14th century
1: serving to defend or protect <defensive fortifications>
2 a: devoted to resisting or preventing aggression or attack <defensive behavior>
b: of or relating to the attempt to keep an opponent from scoring in a game or contest defensive skills>
3 a: valuable in defensive play defensive card in bridge>
b: designed to keep an opponent from being the highest bidder defensive bid> Hmmm. Those definitions sound pretty good to me. Naturally, we want to protect ourselves, to resist aggression or attack. So...at what point does being defensive in the good way become "being defensive" (with a negative connotation)? My observation is this.
Defending oneself is a good thing. Everyone does it. When "being defensive" becomes an accusation, it usually means the accuser is very triggered and/or running from facing up to the truth. I will explain.
If a person is behaving "defensively", it is logical to assume that they are feeling under attack. I believe it is appropriate to ask them if that is the case, particularly if no attack is intended. It may be they are misinterpreting the words or actions being directed at them. This is a legitimate use of the word and can be helpful in communication, especially if there is a misunderstanding taking place.
An example of this would be:
One person (John) will approach another (Mark) about something Mark said or did. John will share what was said/done and how it effected him, how it made him feel, etc. The idea being to invite dialog. At that point, Mark can enter into open dialog. He may explain what he said/did. He may even realize that he was in error and apologize. OR, Mark may go off the deep end and act as if he is being attacked and refuse to listen to what John has said. Mark is then being defensive, even though he is not under attack and, therefore, has no need to be. This is considered a negative form of "being defensive".
Why would Mark think he is being attacked? Well, one possible reason might be if he was raised in an environment where being "wrong" about something was a dangerous thing. Sometimes, especially when dealing with survivors, being "wrong" meant severe and abusive punishment. It could even mean the threat of death, either to them or to another person.
Suppose Mark has that kind of background. For him, being caught at doing something "wrong" triggers desperation. It can even cause him to refuse to actually respond to what John has said. He may throw up smokescreen attacks against John in an effort to draw the attention off of what he has done. He is being "defensive", even when there is no longer any real need to do so.
Then John finds himself truly being attacked by Mark as part of Mark's "defensiveness". John, like Mark, can respond in different ways. He can ask Mark if he feels attacked and try to talk to him about it; although Mark may not be able to clearly look at that. He can lash back out at Mark, and truly start to attack him...or, he can try to reason with Mark and clarify what he is trying to say.
Even if John stays calm and just tries to explain, Mark (who is very triggered) will not be able to hear John. Interestingly, this is when John will be accused of "being defensive", even though he is actually not. He is merely trying to explain and resolve things.
When I look at the definitions of the word, being defensive is not a negative thing. In fact, it can be a very positive thing! The times I see it used in a accusatory way, as if it were a negative thing, it is usually when someone is trying to avoid the truth. In that instance, "explanations" becomes "defensiveness".
It is amazing to me how wild some conversations can become when someone is triggered like that. I have seen conversations where John will say something to Mark and Mark's response, due to being so triggered, does not even relate to what John said! Mark will totally duck the issue and hit John back with something unrelated. Then, when John tries to get things back on track, he is accused of "being defensive" and "attacking".
We really need to give each other a lot of grace in these things. We need to recognize our own triggers, as well as doing the best we can to be sensitive to the triggers of others!
I have really been feeling down lately. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it is just the stress of life altogether. I don't know. It just seems like I have been having more "survivor" days. Although I cannot ignore having survived a lot, being a survivor is not my core identity. Being a daugher of the Most High God is.
I work hard on my healing. I work on my relationship with God. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. My relationship with Yahweh is very real and it, along with healing, is a gift from Him. What I mean by "working on" is that I do what is in front of me to do. When He reveals something to me I try to pay attention. It also means that I try to make sure I am spending time with Him, speaking and listening, heart to heart. I make time to read His love letter to me...to get to know Him and His heart better.
I work on embracing truth...the truth about who I am in Him...the truth about my history, my present and my future. I know from where I have come. I know where I am. I know where I am going...ultimately. It is that part between here and the ultimately that holds a lot of questions for me. I really have to trust that it is all in Yahweh's hands. He has a plan for my life and that is what I want to focus on. Nay,...let me change that. It is HIM I want to focus on...His love for me and my love for Him. THAT is what brings a smile to my face and heart. It is nothing I can do. No, the joy in my heart comes from Him and from Him alone.
Yet, along with that deep inner joy is also a deep inner sadness. I see the junk of this world...all the pain and the suffering. I see how horribly people treat one another. I have seen death, cruelty, abuse. Life in this fallen world is not a pretty picture. I have no hope, really, for a good life here. Don't get me wrong. There ARE good things and good people in this life. I am very blessed to know some incredibly awesome people and to have the love of friends and family. Yet, those are tiny fragments of this life as a whole. Our world is in a pretty sad state.
Those tiny fragments are also part of a HUGE future picture. There is an awesome place of wonder waiting for me...my true home. I cannot even begin to imagine what it will look like. There are those who have seen it...and come back. They are unable to adequately describe what they saw. THAT is my true home. That is where I long to be...with my Lord and Saviour forever. There are times when my heart aches to go home.
This morning I heard someone talking about heaven and the gate to get in...and the Gatekeeper. I know who that Gatekeeper is...and oh, how I long to hear Him say "Well done, good and faithful servant. Come on in and be with Me!"
When I heard what the Gatekeeper told this person whose time had not yet come, I thought of my sister. I do not really understand why, but for some reason, the words Yeshua spoke to this woman gave me comfort for my sister. They gave me a greater hope that she is indeed in heaven waiting for me. Yet, I cannot say why. I only know that my heart was touched deeply and tears came. They were happy tears for her because I believe she is with Him; and no one from here can ever touch her or hurt her again. She is safe. She is loved...as she always deserved to be.
I have trials and difficulties in this life. A lot of it is just the stuff of life that everyone goes through. On top of that, I have the difficulties of having gone through so much trauma and abuse. It has changed me in ways that are beyond my comprehension and in ways that I can do nothing about.
Yet, my Abba knows all about it. He helps me to work with what I have been given in this life. He brings healing in some ways and the ability to cope in others. He helps me to live this life. I simply do not know how some people are able to live this life without Him. I know that I could not. It simply a fact for me. He comforts me. He strengthens me. He gives me hope when there is no hope in anything I can see around me. He IS my hope...my joy...my peace.
Feeling down does not mean a lack of peace. It just means that I am living in the reality of this fallen world. But deep inside I have the peace of already knowing what the ultimate outcome of that will be. Of course, that is a mixed blessing. I know the joy and good that awaits me. But there is also sadness over what some will choose to go to because they simply refuse to accept Yahweh and His Son. They reject Him...and that makes me sad.
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