Healing and Emotional Detachment

Hmm...not really sure how to say this. I am realizing that I need to have a healthy emotional detachment from others. I notice this the most with the one person I am closest to, but it applies to others, too. I tend to feel guilty at times about how others are effected by my issues. It is OK to feel sad about it...but it is not OK to feel bad about myself because of it. Feeling bad about myself helps me to spiral downward. Feeling sad does not.

I can feel sad that my brokenness effects others without feeling badly about myself. There is only so much I can do. If I cannot do, or be, what someone else needs me to do, or be, that does not make me a bad person...even if they have every "right" to want me do it. I don't need to beat myself up, or be miserable, just because someone else is miserable or unhappy about how my issues effect them. I can be empathetic. I can care. I can do my best to work on my healing; but I do not have to push heaven and hell to try to change something that I have no control over. That just sets me up for failure and I start to crash.

If someone is struggling with something about me that I have no control over I need to let them face that and work out how to deal with it. Yes, I do need to keep working on my healing...and, hopefully, I will be changed in that process. But the results are not up to me. Neither is how someone else handles those results. That is something that person has to work out.

I can do the footwork, but Yahweh God has to do the healing. He has to change me. I cannot force change. I can change my behavior...to a certain extent. However, I cannot change my triggers. Shoot, a lot of the time I am still trying to figure what the triggers precisely are and why they even trigger me! I can work on those things, but I cannot force myself to not be triggered.

Another thing I struggle with is that, acceptance of myself as I am right where I am at, can look like I am giving up to someone else. It can appear that I don't care and am not really "working" on something anymore. That is not the case, though. To me, acceptance of where I am at simply means trusting that God will do what is needed without my having to be constantly striving and then feeling awful because, in spite of all my hard work and striving, I am still being triggered...or still failing. It means that I can continue to do what I can and trust Him for the results.

Sometimes, if it is someone really close to me, I find that the other person's struggle with me and resulting unhappiness causes me to feel bad about myself. The feelings of worthlessness start to kick in, along with thoughts of them being better off without me. I start to spiral downward and that is not good. I am realizing that my feeling that way means that I am sort of taking responsibility for how they feel. It is harder to see it that way because it happens in such a roundabout way. Nonetheless, it is real...and it is not healthy...for them or me.

There is nothing like feeling helpless to start a round of depression. It works so well. I need to be on guard for that and practice taking good care of myself. It is my responsibility to take good care of my emotional and mental health, just as it is for me to take good care of my physical health.

Life Lately

I have been rather triggered lately. There have been some interesting things happening in my life. They include odd behaviour and wording from someone I was close to; someone's possible relocation; a dream that was revelatory and, perhaps, a "heads up"; a phone message from one family member to another; a sensing of information from inside; triggering bug bites; triggered programming and some very interesting reading online.

All in all, I am doing OK. I am watching and I am wary. I am also trusting in the One who knows all things and who is more than able to protect me and to protect my family.

Triggers

Today is a day of trying to recoup. I was handed something that ended up becoming very triggering. So, I am, with the help of some friends, trying to figure what all got triggered. It has been an interesting time. It was actually yesterday evening that I realized how hit I was. What started coming up was amazing. So many old messages. Shut up messages. Don't talk messages. And oh, so many others. Wow!

But like anything else in life...all things work out eventually. I will work through this just I do everything else. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. *smile* Life IS doable, after all! It is really nice when you have real friends who are not afraid of the triggers who are there to try and help you to sort it out. I don't know what I would do without them. Well, yes I would. I would still continue to trust that Yahweh will provide for me. I am grateful for His provision of friends!

Triggers...Ack!!!

It is no fun being triggered. That is a no brainer! I mean...heck...it goes without saying, right?

I feel as if I have been slammed back into my early recovery time. Well, not early recovery as a whole, early recovery as in the alcohol time. I was in recovery for a few years before I started to drink again and then realized that I needed to look at alcohol, too.

I don't know if it is programming...and music was used for programming? Or if it is just the typical stuff of having had a problem with drugs and alcohol...if it is that "I want to change the way I feel" kind of thing going on. It can be hard to say. I just know that there are certain types of music, certain songs, that just pull me back to a time I don't want to relive. And Saturday morning, I was in a place with that kind of music...feeling myself getting pulled into it. Along with it comes the feelings, the desires, the draws, the pulls, etc. I feel crazy inside.

I also feel rushed. I have been wanting to come and write, but I have been so busy...too busy in fact. It is overwhelming. And on top of all the busyness, I have been slammed into the past, struggling with some old issues, dealing with sickness in the family, etc. I feel as if what I am writing here is rather rushed... but oh, well. It is the best I can do right now. Ack!!! *smile*

I also feel kind of ticked off at my t right now...but that is a different subject that I am not prepared to get into at the moment. Maybe later when I have more time. It is actually good for me to feel anger. I know that he will be proud of me when he reads the email I sent telling him that I am angry with him. It does not say much...just that I am angry. With him.

Well, I gotta run. Got a lot to get done. I am going to try to get back here sooner.