Determination and Lies

There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?

I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it...or that it was my lot in life...my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries...OK to say "no".

Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things...of Yahweh showing me what I had to do...every little step of the way...for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me...showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.

I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.

I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things...continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward...not backward.

The Human Spirit

I am amazed at the human spirit. We just keep pushing on and pushing on, determined to get where we are going. Why? What drives us? I am not always even sure what drives me. I know I want to be free. I want to be all that I was created to be. Then, too, I hate the idea that the perps get to win. I think that is part of what drives me when nothing else will. I refuse to give them anything!

I know they lose in the end...but I want them to lose NOW! I want them to see me walking in freedom...unafraid...unencumbered by all that they did to me! I may not get totally there, but I sure am going to work on it until the day I die!

They will NOT win! They have NOT won! They have already lost...whether they know it or not! I was created with a purpose. The Creator of the universe gave me that purpose and He is fully able to help me to walk in it...whether I totally understand it or not.

I am very grateful for His protection and for His love toward me. He has brought me through many things...many things. He continues to do so. Life is full of life lessons...things to learn about myself, about Yahweh, about others. I will keep on learning.