I got a call from someone yesterday. I'm still figuring out how I feel about it. It was one of those calls that I had kind of hoped would eventually come...and yet, at the same time, was not sure if I really wanted. I guess I should explain.
I had a friend pull away from me a while back. It hurt. After getting hit with several things from some that I had considered friends, it felt like a really low blow. This was a friend that I had defended when she was being disparaged.
I believe that true friends can be open and honest with one another. That is what I tried to do, however imperfectly. I do not believe in deceitfulness or hiding or backstabbing. When I acted upon that belief, I was pulled away from. I was also told by someone else that I had hurt her, along with three others. I don't rightly know if I hurt her or not. I do know that I apologized for hurting her and she said she forgave me. (Why two of the three would be hurt, I have no idea, as it really did not involve them directly. The third one...well, she is the one who was doing the disparaging and ducking around talking about it.)
We talked openly when she called. She told me that her pulling away had nothing to do with me, that it was all her. She had needed to pull away and try to sort through some things...my wording. She asked if she had hurt me. With her encouragement, I admitted that she had. I told her how I felt that I had been slammed for being loyal and having integrity.
She asked about the possibility of our trying to take baby steps to restore the friendship. I told her that I am very open to that...but I also told her that, as a result of several things that also happened right before she pulled away, that my walls are high and my trust level is low.
I guess I am wondering, too, about something else. I can appreciate that someone can need space for awhile. However, how am I going to know if she is going to pull away again? I guess it is a risk. But then, aren't there always risks in friendships? How much is a friend worth?
I am known for my loyalty to friends. I have welcomed back friends who have hurt me deeply. A lot of that has to do with the motivations behind the hurts. There is a big difference between being hurt by someone who was deceived and who believed lies about me versus someone who is just plain malicious or mean. I have forgiven much, especially when I believed I saw true sorrow in the person who had hurt me.
There are some, though, who I would only offer forgiveness to. Trusting them again is a totally different matter. There is a line that a person can cross that would cause it to be impossible to earn my complete trust...outside of Yahweh really showing me that I should give it to them. This person does not fit into that category.
I am willing to receive phone calls and emails. I am willing to try and be as open as I can. That is all that I can do at this point. I am tired of complicated relationships. I can only handle so many of them at a time. I will give my energies to those who are willing to be open and honest and stick it out without running, ducking or dodging. I guess that pretty much eliminates the possibilities of some people becoming friends with me again...not unless one of us changes.
I guess only time will tell in this friendship. Yes, I still consider it to be a friendship. I am just not sure what state it is in, exactly. It was in a state of distance. Maybe, now, we can draw closer again. How close? I have no idea. As I told her...my walls are up and my trust level is low. However, the fact that I could openly tell her that and she could receive it is, I think, a very good sign. There are no real expectations on either side. What will be will be. I am guarding my heart.
I guess we are sort of starting over...and that is not a bad place to be.
Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.
I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else...in fact many someone elses...have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don't know.
I do know that there can be many things that we don't see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.
I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend...or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one...but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are "older". Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.
I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten...currently. I am fairly healthy...as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving...I have food to eat. I have shelter...I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass...or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm...maybe I don't have it so bad after all?
There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don't know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor...or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.
I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don't know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.
However, I won't give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside...bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don't want to hate...yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say "I hate". I really don't want to go there. I want my heart to be free...not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.
Nope...I don't want to go there. I must find a way to work through...and truly forgive.
I hate being treated like a criminal...like I've done something wrong, when I have not.
I hate it when someone starts asking questions and fishing instead of just coming out and sharing what they know and giving me a chance to respond to it.
I hate it when someone says that I told someone else something about myself, but they won't tell me who I supposedly said it to or exactly what was said, so that I can have some sort of context and be able to clear it up.
I hate being treated as if I am hiding something when I am not...or as if I am being dishonest, when I am not.
I hate it when people get on power trips and treat others like they are insignificant and unimportant. We are ALL important in Yahweh/God's eyes...and should be to each other.
I hate being pitied.
I hate being looked down on.
I hate being considered "less than".
I hate it when someone behaves like a jerk.
I hate it when, instead of having a dialog, I am interrogated...with many obvious tactics.
I hate being treated like dirt.
I hated being raped and used.
I hated being treated like an object.
I hated being forced into doing things I did not want to do.
I hate...
It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?
I would really love to hear others' thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.
I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.
It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion...not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles...all very innocuous...as if nothing had happened.
I am pretty sure that they...both him and her...were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.
Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.
Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think...that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously...that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!
The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we "hiding"? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing...all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.
I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don't like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.
I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again..."I choose to forgive him/them." It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.
Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don't want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone...other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.
So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.
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