Evaluating Connections

I've been taking a look at my life and at my connections to other people. I think it is time to take a look at what connections are strong and what ones are weak...and why. Which ones build up and which ones tear down...in either direction.

I don't want to be someone who tears anyone down, even inadvertantly. Nor do I wish to be torn down...naturally. I don't want to be someone who disappoints others, either. Realistically, though, that is going to happen...the disappointment anyway. I certainly don't set out to tear anyone, although, that does not mean that someone cannot "perceive" it that way.

I only have so much time and energy and I am realizing that I am not spending enough of what I do have with the One person who means the absolute most to me...or who should mean the most anyway. If time spent is an indication of priorities, then this One does not have the right priority in my life.

That is a lot of what I am working on right now. I have to spend time doing life. There is no way around that. However, I also need to take time with my Creator...Yeshua/Jesus. The more I do that, the easier it gets to make it through life. Notice...I did NOT write "easy". Nope, life is very difficult for me, especially with my living situation. I just know that, without Him, I am dust. I just cannot do this life. It keeps throwing me too many curve balls and those closest to me are simply not enough to keep me going...not in this situation.

So...back to friendships...to heart connections. Who tears me down? Who lifts me up? Am I tearing anyone down, however subtly or inadvertantly? Am I lifting others up? Who gives me strength? Who drains me? Is there anyone I should try to reconnect with? Is there anyone I should let go of? Who can I best support? Who should I not try to support? Who helps me grow? Who hinders my growth? Who can I help grow? Whose growth do I hinder?

These are some of the questions I am asking the Holy Spirit to show me the answers to. They are too big for me to answer myself, however, I need to be open to receive the answers. I need to be open to whatever those answers are. Perhaps, some of those answers may help to make life less overwhelming?

Victims and Letting Go

I am not sure where this is going to go. I am puzzled by something and am not sure how to express it. It has to do with being hurt...and expressing that hurt. It seems that, to some, if you express hurt, it automatically means that you are "acting like a victim". I guess I just don't get that.

I mean...can't one be hurt without being a "victim"? Hmmm...I think I will go look up the word and see what good old Webster's has to say about it. This is what it says at the online Merriam-Webster dictionary site:
victim

Main Entry:

vic·tim

Pronunciation:

\ˈvik-təm\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Latin victima; perhaps akin to Old High German wīh holy

Date:

15th century

1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent (the schools are victims of the social system): as a (1): one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer) (a victim of the auto crash) (a murder victim) (2): one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment (a frequent victim of political attacks) b: one that is tricked or duped (a con man's victim)

Hmm...I guess that, technically, if someone experiences hurt from some source, that makes them a victim. However, I also notice that the examples given here seem to be pretty serious. So, maybe, it does not really apply to smaller hurts? I don't know.

I guess another question is...is being a "victim" a bad thing? Hmm...let me restate that another way. Obviously, no one would say that being hurt is a good thing! I guess what I am asking is this:
If a person is hurt...and expresses that hurt...is that bad? Is that playing the victim role? Or is it simply expressing a truth about how/what they are feeling? Expressing their perspective? Is there a "right" or "wrong" in this? Feelings are what they are. Perspectives are what they are. Isn't it possible for people to have differing perspectives and feelings and yet both be "right"? Or even both be "wrong"?

I guess another related question would be this:
If more than one person is hurt...and they all express their hurt...is only one being a "victim"? Does only one person have the "right" to be a "victim"?

Oy vey, this is getting complicated. I guess it would help to explain what has triggered this pondering. I had someone say that I was acting "like a victim" in regards to something. I am not quite sure I understand what this person means. If we follow the definition of being adversely effected, perhaps everyone involved could be considered a victim? So, if this person expresses hurt...isn't that also acting "like a victim"? I have to admit that I am a bit confused by all this.

Oh, well. There are some things that I may never understand...and I really don't think I need to understand everything in order to live a somewhat emotionally healthy life. I think it is important to know what to let go of and what to hold on to. I am choosing to let go of this one. It is too complicated for me.

Expressing Anger

It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?

I would really love to hear others' thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.

I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.

It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion...not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles...all very innocuous...as if nothing had happened.

I am pretty sure that they...both him and her...were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.

Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.

Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think...that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously...that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!

The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we "hiding"? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing...all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.

I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don't like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.

I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again..."I choose to forgive him/them." It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.

Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don't want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone...other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.

So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.