Well...it is t day today. I spoke to him on the phone this morning. I told him that I need him to push me. I have emotions under the surface. Like a wound that is infected that we need a doctor to lance, or cut into, to release all the gunk, I need him to lance through the protective layers I have covering my anger and emotions. I really need him to push on me.
I can get in touch with some of my anger, but not when I can really let it out and process it. I think to myself...OK, I'll do it in t. I even kind of run it through my head...how I'll do it. Then I get to t and the anger is miles away from me. I don't want another t appointment talking about superficial stuff. That is not to say that t has not been helpful... or that it has all been superficial. Au contraire...it HAS been helpful...but I really need to get to this stuff.
I know that he is concerned about triggering me...but then...what better place to be in if I am triggered? It is a safe place to work through that...to let myself experience it...walk through it. This is especially true during double sessions when there is more time to recupe.
I think he is, perhaps, a bit nervous about treading into territory that is unfamiliar to him. He does not typically work with survivors like myself. I got triggered once before in his office. It was the first time I was ever able to just allow it to happen in front of someone. Typically, I would do everything in my power to try and hide it.
I need that freedom. I need him to not be concerned about it happening. I don't need him to fix it. I just need him to learn about how to help me be grounded and walk through it. I don't think it is all that complicated. Just be there. Don't give pat answers. Talk to me...be with me. I don't know. I just know that I believe we can do this. I really NEED for him to do this with me. I am determined to push through and not be held back. I will keep working on freedom.
It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?
I would really love to hear others' thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.
I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.
It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion...not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles...all very innocuous...as if nothing had happened.
I am pretty sure that they...both him and her...were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.
Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.
Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think...that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously...that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!
The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we "hiding"? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing...all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.
I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don't like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.
I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again..."I choose to forgive him/them." It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.
Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don't want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone...other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.
So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.
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