Former Antagonist Is Gone!

Well, I recently got some interesting news. I wrote here about an incident that happened to me a couple of years ago that was very triggering and generated a lot of fear. It triggered my PTSD to sky high levels.

I recently found out that the guy is no longer there. The reasons why he is no longer there are not really important. They don't relate to what happened to me.

So, now I am thinking some things through. I will be able to visit there and know that I will no longer run into him. Will that make a difference? Will I be able to feel more comfortable? I know it won't take everything away. They still have a file on me and the woman is still there. However, I wonder how much of the decision to let me go was influenced by him? I wonder if she might actually harbor some doubt as to whether or not they should have done that? Or as to whether or not any part of the whole thing was even handled appropriately?

Of course, I don't ever expect any kind of apology. That would have to mean an admission that they blew it...in addition to the one thing they already did admit doing wrong. They might not understand that I am not a suing kind of person. I want to just live at peace with others. I wish they would apologize. I wish we could get it all out in the open. It would make it easier to extend forgiveness and move on.

I don't know who will take his place there. There is one person who would really do a good job...someone who this guy fired. He is also someone that quite a few people are hoping will come back, including me. I felt "safe" with that guy.

I don't know what is going to happen...but this I do believe...the group is better off without the one who is no longer there. And they will be even better off if they bring back the one who got fired.

Just my thoughts...for now.

Disappointments & Perspective

Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.

I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else...in fact many someone elses...have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don't know.

I do know that there can be many things that we don't see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend...or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one...but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are "older". Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.

I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten...currently. I am fairly healthy...as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving...I have food to eat. I have shelter...I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass...or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm...maybe I don't have it so bad after all?

There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don't know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor...or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.

I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don't know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.

However, I won't give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside...bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don't want to hate...yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say "I hate". I really don't want to go there. I want my heart to be free...not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.

Nope...I don't want to go there. I must find a way to work through...and truly forgive.

The Ex and the Wedding, part 2

OK...I need to be honest about how I am feeling. I am jealous...jealous of any time my ex may take of my son and DIL. I am assured that, as of right now, they are not invited to anything other than the ceremony...period. But will that change? Besides, it is not just this wedding time. I am afraid, I think, of the future. And how stupid is that?

At the ceremony, will I see interactions taking place that I don't want to see? I think maybe I am a bit insecure, too. My pride has me wanting to be always in a superior role to him...a vindicating role. I stuck it out. I was there for the boys, however imperfectly, when he decided he did not want to be married to me and when he decided that it hurt him too much to be a dad. He abandoned us in all the important areas while not abandoning us enough to give us the freedom to heal unemcumbered. Grrrrr!!!!

And I want to stomp my feet and say "You did not play fair so you are not allowed in the game! You are only allowed to watch...not that you should even be allowed to do that!"

BUT...I am also imperfect. I am keenly aware of my own parenting failures. And I love my children. I want to see them healed. There is a deep desire within a child's heart to have their family be real, be together and loving and safe and all that. I do not want to deny either of them the chance to have a real relationship with their father...which is what I struggle with regarding my oldest.

He wants relationship with his father...but his father is still flaky and so broken that he does not know how to have a real relationship. In fact, I don't, either, on both counts. I fail my oldest and his wife and my grandchildren all the time. *sigh* Who am I to point fingers? I am nobody.

So, I must face and deal with my own cruddy attitude in all of this. My ex deserves to find healing, too. He also deserves to find real love. As for his wife, well there is that, too. She believed his lies and did not really check for herself. She interfered instead of letting us sort things out...even if we were unable to work it out. She, too, is broken and deserves healing. Am I so ungracious as to deny her that?

Oh, how cold my heart can be. I can "justify" my anger at how he hurt my boys. But am I willing to allow him the grace to heal his relationship with his sons? How will I justify my anger if I allow them to heal? Maybe therein lies the rub. Am I holding onto anger against him? Am I harboring unforgiveness? It is definitely something to look at.

White as Snow and Forgiveness

When I look at the snow, I think of the song "White As Snow". It is about how what Yeshua/Jesus did for us enables our blackened souls to be made white as snow.

I have seen some pretty horrible things. It is amazing what people can do to each other. **shaking head** I have also been forced to participate in some pretty bad stuff. It can leave a person feeling so tainted...very black. But what Yeshua did for us does not just count for what we have done...it also counts for what was done to us. It does not just count for what we have chosen to do...but also for what we were forced to do.

In other words, there is nothing that cannot be made white as snow through what Yeshua did for us. We need to accept it, though. He offers it as a free gift; but if we do not accept, we do not have it. He offers forgiveness and healing. They go hand in hand. He brings forgiveness for what I have done. And as I allow Him to help me to forgive others for what they have done to me, I find more healing for myself.

I have had to deal with so much in my life...and I still do in some ways. Yet, I know He is always here for me...here with me. He walks alongside of me in everything I go through. For that, I am very grateful.