The last few weeks I have been doing some grieving. I am not sure that I even recognized it consciously as that. The last week and a half, however, it has reached such a level that I can no longer deny that it is grief.
It has been slowly building and it now feels as if it is coming to a head. Or perhaps I should write that it IS at a head. My heart feels strained and the last few days have been ones of wanting to cry...a lot.
I am grieving for friends who are going through health struggles, grieving for losses in friendships, grieving for losses in things I was hoping I could do, grieving for those I love who have been hurt and betrayed by those they (and I) love, grieving over incidents past and present, etc. The list just goes on.
Sometimes, it is really hard to know what to do with all the grief. It seems like it is just one more thing on top of another. I cannot handle it all. I have to give it to the One who can...my heavenly Abba. He is helping me to get my priorities straight...and to know what to hang onto and what to let go of. He is helping me to learn how to grieve...in a healthy way.
I always struggle with letting some things out...especially anger. I am angry over some of the things that are causing me grief. This is especially the case when the things that have happened are senseless...when there is no reason they should have happened other than someone was being heartless or insensitive. Then again, how many times have I been insensitive? If I want others to be forgiving of me, I must be forgiving of them.
Sometimes, though, things happen simply out of meanness or selfishness. Those are harder for me to deal with...and, ironically, harder to express anger over. I feel so helpless sometimes when I see what happens to others...and to me...and I feel helpless to do a darn thing about it. I think helplessness, perhaps, makes me feel the angriest.
I feel so powerless to do anything to change anything. People are hurt. They even die...and I can do nothing to make it any better. That is what it feels like anyway.
I think I am rambling here, so I am going to bring this post to a close.
This guy being gone is having an effect on me. I had told my therapist that I did not think I would really be able to totally process what happened until we moved away. Or at least until my friend no longer worked there. The last thing I expected was for this guy to no longer be there.
Now I find myself thinking of his office. I can see him sitting across from his desk...asking me questions and taking notes. I can hear him challenging me to tell him everything and not hold anything back...as if I was hiding something. I remember him telling me that "they" had been upfront and trusted me...which actually was a lie...and now I should trust them and tell them everything. What was I supposed to tell them? There was nothing to tell. There was nothing in my background, or in my present, that posed any kind of threat to the group.
He said that something had come up in my background check relating to a cult...but he did not tell me what. He was actually "fishing", I realized later. Dummy me, I acknowledged it without first finding out for sure just what it was he heard. I had wondered if something would show up. Now...I don't think it did. I think what he got was hearsay from someone else in the group that my friend had talked to. But there is no way to know for sure now.
He actually did not even have the complete background check back yet...which was a big no no on their part. They were not supposed to hire me without that coming back first. Another reason I think it came from within is because he kept asking me what employees I had told there about my background. He kept insisting I had talked to some of them.
Now, I find myself flashing on him and his office and the whole incident. I find the emotions coming up and I am rather weepy. Although, with several other things that have happened this week...maybe it is everything all rolled together. I don't really know.
It is going to be interesting to see how this turns out...for the group...and for me, personally.
I have not been writing here much and I have different things running through my mind and heart. My insurance company was one and I have written about that.
Now I am just sort of running the different thoughts and feelings I am experiencing lately out of my mind and onto this "paper"...sort of like a journal. I am "processing", I guess you could say.
It has been really hard to get up lately. I am not sure why that is. I believe I am experiencing some minor depression. It has been hard to work things out for what I need in t without having a car. No car is effecting me in different areas of my life and this is definitely one of them. If I had transportation, I could get to t earlier which would make it a lot easier to get double sessions. Even if I cannot get the insurance company to co-operate, if I have to, I can go every other week for doubles so that they get their "once a week" number equivalency. No car means I have to go later in the day when I can get a ride. That also means less availability of my t since everyone wants evening after work sessions.
So, I don't know, maybe it is all contributing to my finding it harder to get up. And it is not just the time change. Although I do believe that is contributing now, this started before the time change. I have a major new commitment in my life that I am really grateful for, however, it is also very draining. I have to really work things out carefully to be able to keep it up.
Life is challenging. My living situation (which I do not want to get into) is challenging. But I know that Yahweh will help me out. He will help me to get through life...all aspects of it...just as He has been doing for so long, even before I knew His name!
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