I have been doing a lot of thinking...a lot of soul searching...and a lot of praying. It has caused me to look back over the last few months of posts I have made here...trying to see what I wrote with new eyes. I have become aware of the fact that a couple of persons are upset about some things I have written...persons that, as far as I knew, were no longer reading here. It was not my intent to upset anyone.
Something happened a couple of months or so ago that I have written about here...without naming names or places or giving any identifying information. I have written some of my thoughts and feelings and perspectives on it...just as I write my thoughts and feelings about all sorts of things that have happened in my life.
Since I have become aware that at least one of these persons has been continuing to read, and of the resulting feelings of upset, I figured that I really should take a look at what all I have written here since the whole thing happened.
Was what I wrote inappropriate? I don't know...I don't think so. If I had identified the persons involved, or made it obvious to others who they were, then yes, most definitely it would have been wrong. Still...if someone is that upset...I need to take a look at it. One can be "technically" right and yet "morally" wrong.
There are almost 50 posts that have been made since it happened. Of those posts, I could only find direct references to what happened in about a half dozen posts. I have not deleted any.
There are about a dozen other posts addressing some other topics. When I wrote about those topics, I drew from all sorts of things I have experienced over the years, including the incident these persons are referring to. So, yes, there are some references, most pretty vague, that consist of anywhere from one sentence to a handful of sentences, within these other topic posts. Even as I reread them, they did not bring the incident to mind for me...other than the few sentences here and there. I know that the incident was not foremost in my mind at the time that I wrote them.
Until the other day, I had not written directly about it for over a month and indirectly only once that I can find. I am saddened that anyone is upset by what I write...especially when I actually wrote so little about it. Unless something happens to trigger my thoughts and feelings in that direction, I see no reason to write about it specifically any more.
That does not mean that there may not be aspects of it that won't get written about simply because life is like that. One thing overflows into another. There are many common experiences and feelings among people in general and among survivors in particular. It would be difficult to write about much of anything without someone seeing themselves in it somewhere. I often see myself in what others write.
I don't really know what more I can do.
It feels good to move forward...to take positive steps for myself.
It feels good to know that I am growing inside.
It feels good to know that I can set healthy boundaries...and still love the ones I am setting them with.
It also feels good to feel stronger. Each step I take forward makes me stronger. And I know Who it is that helps me do that. I know that I cannot do it on my own.
It feels good to be able to give and receive support.
It feels good to know that I am loved and cared for.
It feels good to be able to love and care for others.
It feels good to be able to keep on facing the past without letting it hold me back from the future.
It feels good to be able to write things that others actually enjoy reading.
In fact, it feels good to be able to write things that I enjoy reading! Like my poetry!
It feels good to know that I am not alone...even though there are times when I still find myself feeling very isolated and alone.
It feels good to know that I do not have to live by feelings even though I am sometimes overwhelmed to the point of feeling incapacitated by them.
I know that all things eventually pass. Life is up and down. There will be good days and bad days. Up days and down days. I won't have all good days, but neither will I have all bad days!
It feels good to be able to face life, knowing that Yahweh God has all things in His hands. He is allowing things in my life to help me grow strong. He is bringing people into my life to help me...and people for me to help. And that, too, feels really good!
I am grateful for what I have.
I am not sure how to express how I feel right now. In fact, maybe what I am most not sure of is how I feel. Then again, maybe how/what I feel is unimportant. Whatever it is will pass. All things pass. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, being faithful, as best I can, to do what is in front of me to do.
And it does not matter if anyone else understands what I do, or why I do it. I need to guard my heart and mind in Yeshua/Jesus. I need to keep placing my life in His hands and not taking it back.
I have not been writing here much and I have different things running through my mind and heart. My insurance company was one and I have written about that.
Now I am just sort of running the different thoughts and feelings I am experiencing lately out of my mind and onto this "paper"...sort of like a journal. I am "processing", I guess you could say.
It has been really hard to get up lately. I am not sure why that is. I believe I am experiencing some minor depression. It has been hard to work things out for what I need in t without having a car. No car is effecting me in different areas of my life and this is definitely one of them. If I had transportation, I could get to t earlier which would make it a lot easier to get double sessions. Even if I cannot get the insurance company to co-operate, if I have to, I can go every other week for doubles so that they get their "once a week" number equivalency. No car means I have to go later in the day when I can get a ride. That also means less availability of my t since everyone wants evening after work sessions.
So, I don't know, maybe it is all contributing to my finding it harder to get up. And it is not just the time change. Although I do believe that is contributing now, this started before the time change. I have a major new commitment in my life that I am really grateful for, however, it is also very draining. I have to really work things out carefully to be able to keep it up.
Life is challenging. My living situation (which I do not want to get into) is challenging. But I know that Yahweh will help me out. He will help me to get through life...all aspects of it...just as He has been doing for so long, even before I knew His name!
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