The last few weeks I have been doing some grieving. I am not sure that I even recognized it consciously as that. The last week and a half, however, it has reached such a level that I can no longer deny that it is grief.
It has been slowly building and it now feels as if it is coming to a head. Or perhaps I should write that it IS at a head. My heart feels strained and the last few days have been ones of wanting to cry...a lot.
I am grieving for friends who are going through health struggles, grieving for losses in friendships, grieving for losses in things I was hoping I could do, grieving for those I love who have been hurt and betrayed by those they (and I) love, grieving over incidents past and present, etc. The list just goes on.
Sometimes, it is really hard to know what to do with all the grief. It seems like it is just one more thing on top of another. I cannot handle it all. I have to give it to the One who can...my heavenly Abba. He is helping me to get my priorities straight...and to know what to hang onto and what to let go of. He is helping me to learn how to grieve...in a healthy way.
I always struggle with letting some things out...especially anger. I am angry over some of the things that are causing me grief. This is especially the case when the things that have happened are senseless...when there is no reason they should have happened other than someone was being heartless or insensitive. Then again, how many times have I been insensitive? If I want others to be forgiving of me, I must be forgiving of them.
Sometimes, though, things happen simply out of meanness or selfishness. Those are harder for me to deal with...and, ironically, harder to express anger over. I feel so helpless sometimes when I see what happens to others...and to me...and I feel helpless to do a darn thing about it. I think helplessness, perhaps, makes me feel the angriest.
I feel so powerless to do anything to change anything. People are hurt. They even die...and I can do nothing to make it any better. That is what it feels like anyway.
I think I am rambling here, so I am going to bring this post to a close.
There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable...so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.
I hate feeling like I must read it...when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.
I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside...settled and stabilized...and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist...always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don't know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don't know.
My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?
I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak...OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner...OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch...I can live with that. What I am only matters in God's heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop...and I don't want to med up.
I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try...there are some things I just cannot fix...and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away...for everyone's good. I don't want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.
I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace...even if that peace means separation.
I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes...the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*
Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don't know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You...the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty...and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is...and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.
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