A Time for Tears

Well, I got hit with emotions today. I had written previously about a place where a friend of mine worked...a place where I was interrogated and then fired from a part time temporary job after about 5 days due to my SRA background. I believe the last post I wrote about it was here.

I have struggled with many facets of this and cried and hurt over it. I have processed it and talked with my t about it. I have always tried to be careful what I wrote or shared, especially since my friend still worked there and his job could depend upon my not saying anything to certain people. It has been difficult.

When my friend's former boss, the one who caused me so much pain, got fired, I knew I might need to process more. I wasn't sure how it would effect me. With the busyness of life, I have not really given a whole lot of thought to it.

Now, my friend is laid off. With him no longer tied to that organization, I no longer need to be concerned about what I share with whom...or at least I think that is the way it is. I guess, until he finds another job I should still be careful. After all, if he should get called back before another job opens up, he needs to be able to get back on board. Personally, though, we feel as if he and I have both been released from that place.

What brings me tears today is an email I got from a friend of ours who still works there. She sent me a list of positions for which they need volunteers for Christmas. It has to be people who have already had security checks done on them, like former employees or volunteers.

Well, that just brought up the whole darn issue again for me. As far as I am concerned, I am disqualified. Maybe they would accept me, but I am just not strong enough to go through trying and being turned down. I won't go through that again. Even though the guy is gone, the head of personnel is still there. Somewhere in my record is the fact that I was fired...and why.

It has been easier for me to be there with this guy gone. However, trying to volunteer to help out...nope...no way. I just can't go there. I won't even try. As I read the email, I found myself crying. The tears just kept coming and I let them flow. My guys were outside and I did not need to hide them. So, I just cried...and cried. It was that soft kind of crying...full of sadness and a deep sense of loss and hurt.

So, I guess this is a time for tears. Tears for what is happening this time of year. Tears for what has happened through much of my life. Tears for what happened to me at this organization. Tears for the reminder today.

It is a time for tears.