Well, I have decided. I know some who have moved their blogs over to another place. So, I checked it out. I have imported my blog there and am giving it a try. You can find the other blog here: A Survivor's Thoughts on Life. It does have some features that I like, while not having some that are here. We'll see what happens. Maybe I will double post for a bit? I don't know, yet. I am not sure I am ready to commit yet to a full changeover.
Well, I met with the pastor again. It looks like we will be meeting weekly. I really appreciate this man. I gave him an article I had found on ritualistic abuse. It can be found here: Ritualistic Abuse. I also gave it to my t.
It is a very heavy article. It is my desire to be available to the survivors in our church. I know they must be there. This area is cult heavy. I also know that it is risky to reach out. I talked with him about his helping me to find some safe people in the church to share with to try and create a safe team to help survivors. He said he could do that.
It is also my desire to be able to share parts of my story. I want to share it in such a way that the non-survivor won't pick up on anything, but the survivors will. I can use key wording that they will hear and know that someone who understands and shares their background is there. Hopefully, they will approach me and find support.
I am also hoping that he might share the article with some leaders so that they can pray about whether or not they are able to help. They need to really pray about it. This is no game. Last week, I spoke with my therapist about it, too. My insurance has run out and I am looking to change my relationship with him. It is my desire to move away from being client into more of a brother in God capacity...a co-healer/support person for survivors.
I want to be there to help survivors heal. If they want to meet with the pastor, meet with a therapist, get into church, I want to help them...to walk with them. I know that I will not do it perfectly, but I am willing to do what I can.
It is risky...but well worth the risk. Survivors need to be ministered to, too!
Well, I got hit with emotions today. I had written previously about a place where a friend of mine worked...a place where I was interrogated and then fired from a part time temporary job after about 5 days due to my SRA background. I believe the last post I wrote about it was here.
I have struggled with many facets of this and cried and hurt over it. I have processed it and talked with my t about it. I have always tried to be careful what I wrote or shared, especially since my friend still worked there and his job could depend upon my not saying anything to certain people. It has been difficult.
When my friend's former boss, the one who caused me so much pain, got fired, I knew I might need to process more. I wasn't sure how it would effect me. With the busyness of life, I have not really given a whole lot of thought to it.
Now, my friend is laid off. With him no longer tied to that organization, I no longer need to be concerned about what I share with whom...or at least I think that is the way it is. I guess, until he finds another job I should still be careful. After all, if he should get called back before another job opens up, he needs to be able to get back on board. Personally, though, we feel as if he and I have both been released from that place.
What brings me tears today is an email I got from a friend of ours who still works there. She sent me a list of positions for which they need volunteers for Christmas. It has to be people who have already had security checks done on them, like former employees or volunteers.
Well, that just brought up the whole darn issue again for me. As far as I am concerned, I am disqualified. Maybe they would accept me, but I am just not strong enough to go through trying and being turned down. I won't go through that again. Even though the guy is gone, the head of personnel is still there. Somewhere in my record is the fact that I was fired...and why.
It has been easier for me to be there with this guy gone. However, trying to volunteer to help out...nope...no way. I just can't go there. I won't even try. As I read the email, I found myself crying. The tears just kept coming and I let them flow. My guys were outside and I did not need to hide them. So, I just cried...and cried. It was that soft kind of crying...full of sadness and a deep sense of loss and hurt.
So, I guess this is a time for tears. Tears for what is happening this time of year. Tears for what has happened through much of my life. Tears for what happened to me at this organization. Tears for the reminder today.
It is a time for tears.
What a time! I love the Autumn. It is my favorite season…on the outside. On the inside, I hate this time of year. I know what happens at the end of October and I hate it!
Most of the time I can push it to the back of my mind and heart. Yet…it always comes up. Somewhere, somehow, the thought of the children comes to mind…and I find myself fighting tears and lifting up a prayer for them.
What do I pray for? Well, I would like to think He would stop the whole hideous thing, but I know that is not realistic. It is not because God is not big enough, or strong enough, to stop it. It is because He is bound by His own rules. He gave us humans the ability to choose between good and evil, between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. Gentleman that He is, He won’t go back on His word. We were given choice and until He comes back and removes evil once and for all, we will have people committing evil acts.
So, no, I don’t really pray for Him to stop it…at least not very strongly. I do pray for Him to intervene. I pray for Him to protect the hearts and souls of those who will have to endure this time. I pray for Him to protect them from the pain and to take them quickly home. I pray for supernatural comfort to the victims.
I also pray for Him to open the eyes of the good people who are too afraid to take a real and serious look at what is going on around them. For those who are willing to see, I pray that He will open their hearts and give them courage to take a stand. Yet, I hold out little hope for that happening.
If people won’t even take a stand to stop the culture of death we can see so openly, how can I expect them to work to stop the hidden deaths? When people, including babies, are “legally” sacrificed through abortion and through starvation in the “medical” system on the altar of convenience and money…right out in the open, how can there be concern for the children and people being sacrificed in hidden rituals? They are all being sacrificed…whether openly or in secret and the temporary prince and ruler of this earth is laughing at the stupid humans who are serving him through these (and other) practices.
My heart always breaks when I think of these things. However, this time of year I am more keenly aware of it all. It is a reminder to me that this is not my true home. My true home in with God in His kingdom. What is to come after all this ugliness is a beauty so incredible that those who have seen it and come back are unable to adequately describe it. That is what I long for.
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