Pastor Time Again

Well, I met with the pastor again. It looks like we will be meeting weekly. I really appreciate this man. I gave him an article I had found on ritualistic abuse. It can be found here: Ritualistic Abuse. I also gave it to my t.

It is a very heavy article. It is my desire to be available to the survivors in our church. I know they must be there. This area is cult heavy. I also know that it is risky to reach out. I talked with him about his helping me to find some safe people in the church to share with to try and create a safe team to help survivors. He said he could do that.

It is also my desire to be able to share parts of my story. I want to share it in such a way that the non-survivor won't pick up on anything, but the survivors will. I can use key wording that they will hear and know that someone who understands and shares their background is there. Hopefully, they will approach me and find support.

I am also hoping that he might share the article with some leaders so that they can pray about whether or not they are able to help. They need to really pray about it. This is no game. Last week, I spoke with my therapist about it, too. My insurance has run out and I am looking to change my relationship with him. It is my desire to move away from being client into more of a brother in God capacity...a co-healer/support person for survivors.

I want to be there to help survivors heal. If they want to meet with the pastor, meet with a therapist, get into church, I want to help them...to walk with them. I know that I will not do it perfectly, but I am willing to do what I can.

It is risky...but well worth the risk. Survivors need to be ministered to, too!

A Time for Tears

Well, I got hit with emotions today. I had written previously about a place where a friend of mine worked...a place where I was interrogated and then fired from a part time temporary job after about 5 days due to my SRA background. I believe the last post I wrote about it was here.

I have struggled with many facets of this and cried and hurt over it. I have processed it and talked with my t about it. I have always tried to be careful what I wrote or shared, especially since my friend still worked there and his job could depend upon my not saying anything to certain people. It has been difficult.

When my friend's former boss, the one who caused me so much pain, got fired, I knew I might need to process more. I wasn't sure how it would effect me. With the busyness of life, I have not really given a whole lot of thought to it.

Now, my friend is laid off. With him no longer tied to that organization, I no longer need to be concerned about what I share with whom...or at least I think that is the way it is. I guess, until he finds another job I should still be careful. After all, if he should get called back before another job opens up, he needs to be able to get back on board. Personally, though, we feel as if he and I have both been released from that place.

What brings me tears today is an email I got from a friend of ours who still works there. She sent me a list of positions for which they need volunteers for Christmas. It has to be people who have already had security checks done on them, like former employees or volunteers.

Well, that just brought up the whole darn issue again for me. As far as I am concerned, I am disqualified. Maybe they would accept me, but I am just not strong enough to go through trying and being turned down. I won't go through that again. Even though the guy is gone, the head of personnel is still there. Somewhere in my record is the fact that I was fired...and why.

It has been easier for me to be there with this guy gone. However, trying to volunteer to help out...nope...no way. I just can't go there. I won't even try. As I read the email, I found myself crying. The tears just kept coming and I let them flow. My guys were outside and I did not need to hide them. So, I just cried...and cried. It was that soft kind of crying...full of sadness and a deep sense of loss and hurt.

So, I guess this is a time for tears. Tears for what is happening this time of year. Tears for what has happened through much of my life. Tears for what happened to me at this organization. Tears for the reminder today.

It is a time for tears.

Thoughts on the Time of Year

What a time! I love the Autumn. It is my favorite season…on the outside. On the inside, I hate this time of year. I know what happens at the end of October and I hate it!

Most of the time I can push it to the back of my mind and heart. Yet…it always comes up. Somewhere, somehow, the thought of the children comes to mind…and I find myself fighting tears and lifting up a prayer for them.

What do I pray for? Well, I would like to think He would stop the whole hideous thing, but I know that is not realistic. It is not because God is not big enough, or strong enough, to stop it. It is because He is bound by His own rules. He gave us humans the ability to choose between good and evil, between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. Gentleman that He is, He won’t go back on His word. We were given choice and until He comes back and removes evil once and for all, we will have people committing evil acts.

So, no, I don’t really pray for Him to stop it…at least not very strongly. I do pray for Him to intervene. I pray for Him to protect the hearts and souls of those who will have to endure this time. I pray for Him to protect them from the pain and to take them quickly home. I pray for supernatural comfort to the victims.

I also pray for Him to open the eyes of the good people who are too afraid to take a real and serious look at what is going on around them. For those who are willing to see, I pray that He will open their hearts and give them courage to take a stand. Yet, I hold out little hope for that happening.

If people won’t even take a stand to stop the culture of death we can see so openly, how can I expect them to work to stop the hidden deaths? When people, including babies, are “legally” sacrificed through abortion and through starvation in the “medical” system on the altar of convenience and money…right out in the open, how can there be concern for the children and people being sacrificed in hidden rituals? They are all being sacrificed…whether openly or in secret and the temporary prince and ruler of this earth is laughing at the stupid humans who are serving him through these (and other) practices.

My heart always breaks when I think of these things. However, this time of year I am more keenly aware of it all. It is a reminder to me that this is not my true home. My true home in with God in His kingdom. What is to come after all this ugliness is a beauty so incredible that those who have seen it and come back are unable to adequately describe it. That is what I long for.

Talking With the Pastor

I talked with my pastor yesterday. It actually went very well.We both saw the hand of God in it. I was supposed to talk with him last week, but it did not work out due to unforeseen circumstances. Then, this last Sunday, he had to switch out his sermons, again due to unforeseen circumstances. Well, he mentioned SRA in the sermon. He talked about being POW's in the enemy's camp...spiritual POW's. The timing was perfect.

I already knew he understands the reality of DID (from a previous bible study), so I figured he probably understood SRA/RA, too. Well, it turns out that the counselor who worked out of his previous church had a LOT of SRA clients. So, they were constantly coming in and out of his church.

I still need to find out just what he knows. He mentioned that he had been called in by police at his former church to help them understand the spiritual side of SRA. This could turn out to be one very interesting connection. It could also be a help to my support. I told him that I was looking to expand my support team. Mainly, I just think it would be nice if my pastor had a clue about what I go through...and why some things, and times, are tougher for me.

It was also good to find out that, while there are Masons in the church, there are none in leadership. He agreed that there is a lot of cult in this area. Gosh...someone who sees! How refreshing!

Leaving and Trusting

I went away for a few days to a place where I felt safer. With my husband working the weekend, including one very late night, I really did not want to be alone that late. It worked out well, safety wise.

I stayed with new friends and, as always, my old tapes are playing. I rarely get the feeling after interacting that I have not blown it somehow. I guess it is all the old messages of never feeling worthy of friends...of never being able to trust that others really want to be my friend.

Yet, these are people who listen...really listen. I am so afraid of pushing them away. All the old messages are running. I really HATE feeling this way. I hate being afraid to get close.

I also went with the idea of helping them finish a major project they are working on. It is huge and they are really in need of real help. I hope that we really did help them. I think we did.

I always struggle with these kinds of things, but this time of year it is always worse. I feel so off kilter mentally and emotionally...even more so than usual. I really need to trust in God and to trust others.

Comfort in this Day

Today is the day that the Lord has made. No matter how I feel within it, I know that He is here with me. He is my protector and the high tower I run into. I am sheltered in the shadow of His wings. I will choose to trust Him, even if I find fear fighting for a foothold in my heart.

He is the One worthy of my praise, for He has formed me and chosen me. He has created all that we can see...and even what we cannot. He is sovereign. There is a day coming when all that is evil will be destroyed. He will make a new heaven and a new earth.

I will bask in His love for me, knowing that He has my ultimate good in mind when He thinks of me and as He leads me and guides me. He has brought me through many things and I know He will continue to do so. His love gives people the ability to choose. Those choices effect others...for good or bad. I am grateful that He promises to cause ALL things to work together for good to those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. I am very comforted by that truth.

Amazing Dance and Overcoming

In a world where life is considered expendable and only the whole and perfect are considered worthy, this video was refreshing to watch.

So many will try to say that obstacles cannot be overcome, but I don't buy into it. Just as these two young persons are overcoming their physical handicaps, I believe that we can overcome our mental/emotional ones.

We need to have good things to watch...positive things...that will uplift us. That is why I share this video with you. It sure uplifted me.



If you are having trouble seeing it, it can also be found here:

Amazing Dance

What's It All About?

I guess it's the time of year that keeps making me struggle with sadness. I know what is going on...and what is coming up. Anyone who has been through SRA knows exactly what I am talking about.

However, I have a purpose and a calling...to love, honor and glorify my Creator. It is important that I not allow anything to interfere with that. All of my life contributes to that on some level...even my history. Without Him, I would have never survived.

I was blessed with a very real heart connection with Yeshua/Jesus at a very young age, so I had the comfort of that connection with Him through it all. I truly do not believe I would have survived it any other way. Without His help...without His presence and strength and protection...I would not be here.

Then again, I would be with Him in a far better place...which goes back to my calling and purpose. I was allowed to survive and live for a reason. Even if it is only as a testimony to the fact that He is real and got me through it...that is enough. However, I think there is more to it than that. I believe He wants me to reach out to others who have been through it...to encourage them in any way that I can.

I know there are some who would read this and get very angry, especially when I talk of protection. I understand...and I do want to address that issue...very soon. Should I forget, anyone reading this is welcome to comment on it or email me at the above address on my page to remind me.

Right now, though, I recognize that my purpose is not about me. It is about my Creator. He brought all this into existence for a reason. I am part of that reason. He wanted a people who would love Him...not by force as puppets who had no choice...but out of choice simply because of who He is.

He is the Creator. If for no other reason, He deserves to be loved and worshiped and glorified for that one. I know...again...there are some who will be angry at that, too, because they ascribe the evil and wickedness in this world to either an impotent God or an angry, unloving God. In reality, it all comes from the rebellion of humankind to live according to His ways. It was people who destroyed the perfect world He created with their rebellion.

Yet, knowing they would do that, He created us all anyway. Why? Love. The truth is, we have all messed up so badly...each of us in our own way...none of us is perfect...that we all deserve to be obliterated. He does not do that, though. Why? Love. He is giving us chance after chance to do things His way...to recognize how very broken and fallen we really are and turn to Him for help. Not help for our own purposes and heart desires, but real help...help to live according to the good ways He has laid out for us.

I am trying to find my way in all of that. How can I love Him more? How can I live my life in such a way as to glorify Him more? How can I live my life to help and love others more? See...I don't see life as being about me...but about Him. He is the Creator...I am merely the created. Yet, being merely the created...I am also the apple of His eye and the object of His love. All who are truly His children are.

Before I became His child, I was the object of His wrath. Clearly, though, He did not want it to be so. That is why He gave us His Son Yeshua/Jesus, so that, through what He did, we could move from being objects of wrath to being objects of love...as it was in the beginning.

People don't like the idea of an angry God. Well, I don't know about you, but I get angry when I see evil. If I had created a good creature, placed it in a beautiful perfect place, enjoyed sweet fellowship it, laid only one rule for it, and then had it turn and rebel against me, I think I would be very sad…and very angry at the evil behind that rebellion.

I don't see His wrath as being against me...but actually for me. He wants what is best for me...not what is evil. By rebelling, I am choosing evil. When Adam and Eve rebelled, they chose evil. Anything that goes against the loving, perfect Creator is evil. Anything that goes against one of His…goes against Him.

Yes…I see even His anger as a sign of His ultimate love.