Struggling with Life...Still and Again

**sigh**

Life is such a struggle at times. At times? Shoot...a LOT of the time! What can I say? No one promised any one of us that life would be easy. In fact, we are promised trials and tribulations if we follow Yeshua/Jesus. Besides...we all live in a world corrupted by the evil in people's hearts...so why should His followers be exempt from being effected by that? Being His followers simply means that we won't be effected by it forever...that we are given His power to be different...to somehow rise above it all...to make different choices. That is how I see it. We choose to accept Him and the gift of His Ruach/Spirit living within us, changing us into better persons.

Some people talk about "pie in the sky"...as if having something good to look forward to after this life is a bad thing. Well, what if you happen to like "pie"? I don't know about anyone else, but when I think of being with my Abba/Father in heaven forever, walking in His true love and never again experiencing pain, suffering, sickness, death...well...that "pie" sounds pretty darn GOOD to me!

This life is captured in time. Heaven is not. It is eternal...never ending. Anything that happens within time is so short compared to forever. In fact, you cannot even compare being in time with being out of time. It is like comparing animals and stars...there is just no common ground between the two.

Now, I know you could get scientific on me, as in...I know they both have energy. But life is more than just energy. It is also spirit. At some point, we will be given a new body and our spirits will live forever. If I have to suffer a bit in this life to live forever with God as opposed to suffering in this life to live forever without Him...well...that choice is pretty much a no brainer for me.

There are some who don't believe there is a God who would condemn anyone to live without Him forever...in darkness. Well...I don't believe there is, either. What I read in His word is that we all make that choice for ourselves. We either accept Him and His love...or we reject Him and His love. The choice is ours.

And, since He is God and made us and all that we see...He is the One who defines what acceptance is...not us. We cannot simply make God into who we want Him to be. He is...period. In other words, to adapt an AA saying about accepting life on life's terms...we accept God on God's terms. We cannot change the terms of life and we cannot change God's terms. He assures us that we will ALL have the ability to choose. Now...how He does THAT...I don't even profess to understand. I just know that He says He does not want anyone to be lost and He promises that ALL will be able to make that choice.

I find that comforting, especially when I am struggling so much with feeling like I am failing Life 101. If God were wishy washy and constantly changing I would never know what I could count on. I need a God whose is true...whose word and character are unchanging.

I don't serve a capricious God...I serve a very loving God...Yahweh. If He says no one will die with an excuse for rejecting Him, then I know that I can count on Him doing everything necessary to reach each and every person. That is very reassuring, especially when I think of my sister.

I know of no other God who chose to take on the form of man so that we could see Him and touch Him and hear His voice so clearly. I know of no other God who chose to suffer and die for His creation. I know of no other God who saves through grace alone...through my accepting His free gift alone. The other "gods" I hear about want their people to die for them...want their people to earn "heaven" (or whatever their equivalent). Yahweh wants to fill us with His Ruach/Spirit, yet some other "gods" seem to want us to be empty. **shrug**

I don't know a lot about religions, but I do know this. Yahweh is true. He is, through Yeshua/Jesus, the Creator of the Universe. No matter what happens in this life, I will choose to love Him and serve Him.

These are just my thoughts on things. I base them, as best I can, on my understanding of what God has written in His Word. I don't base them on what people say. I have found what people say to often times not be in agreement with what I see written in the Bible. So, when I hear/read things, I go back and check it out to see if the Bible/God really does say that. It is amazing to me what people say God said in the Bible that is really not true. Verses are so often taken out of context and/or so twisted as to be unrecognizable.

Anyway...I am feeling the struggle of life right now. Yet, I am also confident that Yahweh will get me through it, in spite of my feelings.

Dreams and Death

The other night I kept going in and out of the same dream. I don't remember much about it...but I know that, in the dream, my father had died. I don't know how. I was with my mother while receiving the call about my father. Evidently, it was "expected" that he might die. I don't know who was with me, but I remember trying to consult with them about whether to tell her right away or not, but she seemed to figure it out anyway.

I could not tell if she was in her home or in a facility somewhere, but it seemed like she needed care of some sort...like she was ill or something...which I think was the reason for the uncertainty whether or not to tell her right away.

Dreams about my parents always bring up questions for me. Are they OK? Are they even still alive? All I know to do is to check the obits for the newspapers where they appear to still be living.

I wish that I could have a good relationship with my parents. I don't like being estranged from them...but it is simply the way it must be...for now.

Anniversaries and Bad Therapists

This is a cruddy time of year. The time between my sister's birthday and the anniversary of her death...on my birthday...is hard. Add to that...bad therapists.

It was during this time last year that I was in between therapists. I had stopped going to one because things just did not feel right. I could not figure out what was wrong. For some reason part of me felt afraid when I would think of him, but I did not know why. So, this was the time when I was trying to uncover why the fear was there. And the anniversary of my discovery is coming up.

It was about the second week in April when I got my answer. My cult programming had been accessed and I had been betrayed and violated. Because of how it was done, I totally dissociated the whole thing. But it was in April that I started to get it back. I did several pieces of artwork in the process of working through it. Here is one of them. I wish I could get better pictures of my artwork.



















Sadly, that was not the only betrayal I had to work through. I was also working with a t long distance via the phone and internet. I had met him in person and knew some of his clients. He was "helping" me to get to the bottom of this whole thing and ended being an arrogant guy who disrespected me and caused me a lot chaos and grief.

My Heart Hurts

My


heart


hurts!

What more can I say? Some days, my heart just plain hurts. That is life. There is nothing to do but to turn to my Abba and ride it out. I know that His love for me is beyond incredible. That does comfort me, but it does not take away the pain.

So, I will wait upon Him and ride it out. I know in Whom I have believed and He has promised to never leave or forsake me. He is here with me now and will help me through this! He is faithful and true!

Feeling Down and Thoughts of Home

I have really been feeling down lately. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it is just the stress of life altogether. I don't know. It just seems like I have been having more "survivor" days. Although I cannot ignore having survived a lot, being a survivor is not my core identity. Being a daugher of the Most High God is.

I work hard on my healing. I work on my relationship with God. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. My relationship with Yahweh is very real and it, along with healing, is a gift from Him. What I mean by "working on" is that I do what is in front of me to do. When He reveals something to me I try to pay attention. It also means that I try to make sure I am spending time with Him, speaking and listening, heart to heart. I make time to read His love letter to me...to get to know Him and His heart better.

I work on embracing truth...the truth about who I am in Him...the truth about my history, my present and my future. I know from where I have come. I know where I am. I know where I am going...ultimately. It is that part between here and the ultimately that holds a lot of questions for me. I really have to trust that it is all in Yahweh's hands. He has a plan for my life and that is what I want to focus on. Nay,...let me change that. It is HIM I want to focus on...His love for me and my love for Him. THAT is what brings a smile to my face and heart. It is nothing I can do. No, the joy in my heart comes from Him and from Him alone.

Yet, along with that deep inner joy is also a deep inner sadness. I see the junk of this world...all the pain and the suffering. I see how horribly people treat one another. I have seen death, cruelty, abuse. Life in this fallen world is not a pretty picture. I have no hope, really, for a good life here. Don't get me wrong. There ARE good things and good people in this life. I am very blessed to know some incredibly awesome people and to have the love of friends and family. Yet, those are tiny fragments of this life as a whole. Our world is in a pretty sad state.

Those tiny fragments are also part of a HUGE future picture. There is an awesome place of wonder waiting for me...my true home. I cannot even begin to imagine what it will look like. There are those who have seen it...and come back. They are unable to adequately describe what they saw. THAT is my true home. That is where I long to be...with my Lord and Saviour forever. There are times when my heart aches to go home.

This morning I heard someone talking about heaven and the gate to get in...and the Gatekeeper. I know who that Gatekeeper is...and oh, how I long to hear Him say "Well done, good and faithful servant. Come on in and be with Me!"

When I heard what the Gatekeeper told this person whose time had not yet come, I thought of my sister. I do not really understand why, but for some reason, the words Yeshua spoke to this woman gave me comfort for my sister. They gave me a greater hope that she is indeed in heaven waiting for me. Yet, I cannot say why. I only know that my heart was touched deeply and tears came. They were happy tears for her because I believe she is with Him; and no one from here can ever touch her or hurt her again. She is safe. She is loved...as she always deserved to be.

I have trials and difficulties in this life. A lot of it is just the stuff of life that everyone goes through. On top of that, I have the difficulties of having gone through so much trauma and abuse. It has changed me in ways that are beyond my comprehension and in ways that I can do nothing about.

Yet, my Abba knows all about it. He helps me to work with what I have been given in this life. He brings healing in some ways and the ability to cope in others. He helps me to live this life. I simply do not know how some people are able to live this life without Him. I know that I could not. It simply a fact for me. He comforts me. He strengthens me. He gives me hope when there is no hope in anything I can see around me. He IS my hope...my joy...my peace.

Feeling down does not mean a lack of peace. It just means that I am living in the reality of this fallen world. But deep inside I have the peace of already knowing what the ultimate outcome of that will be. Of course, that is a mixed blessing. I know the joy and good that awaits me. But there is also sadness over what some will choose to go to because they simply refuse to accept Yahweh and His Son. They reject Him...and that makes me sad.

Had Therapy Today

I talked with my t today. I was so frustrated with my insurance company that I wrote them a letter explaining just how I felt. When I showed it to my t today he thought it was excellent. I told him he had my permission to read it to the whomever he was going to have a phone session with at the insurance company. He said he thought it would have more impact if I sent it in directly from me. So, I signed it and he is faxing it for me tonight. I don't know if it will do any good, but it does feel good to voice my thoughts and feelings...to at least try to fight for what should rightfully be mine to have!

I am not some whimpering little child who has to be lead by the hand. I have survived horrors beyond belief. I can do this. I deserve to be respected, honored and heard! But even if they do not respect, honor and hear me, I know who I am...a daughter of the Most High God. Bat El 'Elyon! And He will not permit anything to slow my healing down. All goes according to His greater plan and purpose!

A Parent, a Child and Being Reparented

I recently got to witness a father playing with his young son. The boy was about three years old and they were rolling a car back and forth between them. It was really nice to see that interaction taking place...to see a father so freely give of himself, not caring who might be around to see. In fact, while he was doing that, another professional from his field walked in and saw it. He just keep right on as if it was the most natural thing to be doing.

The thing is...it SHOULD be the most natural thing to be doing. Yet, when it comes to children, I have often had to struggle...even with my own. Although, I have to admit...the struggle was not so much when they were three or under. It was sometime during that three year age, on into four and up that I struggled. Could it have been the gender difference? I suppose so. Or maybe it was more what was modeled for me growing up...which includes the abuse I went through since my parents were involved? For whatever reason, the ability to play with children...boy children anyway...got short circuited somewhere.

So, I was blessed with being able to witness this interaction in a quiet moment of time and saddened inside, too. How much was stolen from me...never to be replaced in this life. Even when I go to heaven, I will not "grow up" again. But I will be changed. I am so grateful to have a heavenly Father...an Abba...who loves me and parents me the right way...even though I am now an adult. Is it too late to be reparented? I don't think so. Although I am not really sure what that looks like...being reparented by my heavenly Abba. I only know that, whatever it is, it is good...because He is good. He is not like my earthly parents.

I believe that He watches over me...and brings people into my life to be good influences, good role models, good friends. I am thankful that He has brought me into contact with those who have encouraged in me a deeper love of God, including a love for the Hebrew names of God. I am grateful for being introduced to pastors, both offline and online, although, in all honesty...I don't trust a lot of pastors very easily anymore. In fact, I don't trust a lot of "churches" anymore. But I am working on it. Or maybe I should say that my Abba in heaven is working on it within my heart.

I have more thoughts, but this will do for now.

Recent Struggles

I have not been writing here much and I have different things running through my mind and heart. My insurance company was one and I have written about that.

Now I am just sort of running the different thoughts and feelings I am experiencing lately out of my mind and onto this "paper"...sort of like a journal. I am "processing", I guess you could say.

It has been really hard to get up lately. I am not sure why that is. I believe I am experiencing some minor depression. It has been hard to work things out for what I need in t without having a car. No car is effecting me in different areas of my life and this is definitely one of them. If I had transportation, I could get to t earlier which would make it a lot easier to get double sessions. Even if I cannot get the insurance company to co-operate, if I have to, I can go every other week for doubles so that they get their "once a week" number equivalency. No car means I have to go later in the day when I can get a ride. That also means less availability of my t since everyone wants evening after work sessions.

So, I don't know, maybe it is all contributing to my finding it harder to get up. And it is not just the time change. Although I do believe that is contributing now, this started before the time change. I have a major new commitment in my life that I am really grateful for, however, it is also very draining. I have to really work things out carefully to be able to keep it up.

Life is challenging. My living situation (which I do not want to get into) is challenging. But I know that Yahweh will help me out. He will help me to get through life...all aspects of it...just as He has been doing for so long, even before I knew His name!

Insurance Company Rant

Insurance companies! They tell you that you have plenty of coverage. But then they make your therapist check in with them so often just to get more visits authorized! And he does not get paid for that extra time. I am paying for the insurance, yet someone has to fight/go thorugh hoops in order for me to use it!! ARGGG!!!!

With my background, single sessions are like putting bandaids on a gushing wound. I cannot just waltz in the door and take down all the walls I have up to contain the effects of the abuse so that I can function somewhat "normally" (whatever the heck THAT means) in life, go deep to get at the root issues and then slam those walls back into place so that I can go back out that door and do "life"...all in less than one hour!

It takes time to get those walls down...time to go deep...time to pull it all back together again to face life outside of that "safe" room. So, my t (therapist) asked my insurance company how to bill for some double sessions. Turns out you have to do a phone review (which he does not get paid for) to get them. Now, I can't really fault them for that. They want to know what is up that I need this special consideration. I do understand that.

But then they only authorize enough sessions so that within about a month and half, he is having to ask for more sessions. What is up with that? It does not take a degree in anything to figure out that abuse that has run through childhood and into adulthood and marriage is not going to get "fixed" in a month and a half!! Duh!!!

Going to single sessions is like putting a bandaid on the issues. I don't want bandaids! I want to do serious work! I do NOT want to be t (therapy) the rest of my life!! I want to work hard and move on!! You would think that is what my insurance company would want, too, right? Well, I doubt it. I think they just want to pay as little out as possible. And I can appreciate that, too. I really can.

However, having to constantly see the small number of visits approved and my t having to jump through hoops just to get those is DEPRESSING!! That only makes things worse...not better!! Are they wanting to help me or hinder me???

I talked to a Case Manager (CM) on the phone. She was wondering if I should consider medication. What for? I am not consistently depressed...although this insurance thing is contributing to some depression. I have something natural that works on an as needed basis. It makes no sense to get onto an antidepressant when I am not consistently depressed. In addition, there are times when you SHOULD feel depressed...or bummed out...or whatever. It is natural to feel that way sometimes!

Not only that, but the only antidepressant that I could find in the past that worked for me without having bad side effects, is no longer on the market! I am not going to risk my sanity and mental wellbeing to try more drugs...especially ones that can make me feel crazy and suicidal! Nope...that is counterproductive!

Then the CM asks me about intensive programs. I have a whole list of reasons for not doing one of those...starting with there are very few that really deal with the type of abuse I have gone through! Add to that no transportation, no gas money and the fact that I am responsible for the care of another person during the day. I already struggle to make copays...how much more of a copay would an intensive program be???

Plus, even if all that were in place...I have been betrayed already by two t's who had the right experience. It is something to write about separately...but I will say that I have friends who think it is a miracle that I even go to a t now. I would be terrified to go to an intensive program and even more so if it was overnight.

I am not sure that it would really do that much good anyway. There are no quick fixes. Intensive programs, from what I have seen, are more for stabilization...or for when flashbacks become so intrusive that they make a person unsafe or unable to function. My flashbacks are annoying, but they do not make me unsafe. I do go through very short periods of having difficulty functioning, but not enough to warrant an intensive program...at least not at this point. And even if it were the case...would I be able to trust enough to go to one? That is a HUGE question for me!!

Right now I go to a t who has NO experience working with SRA clients. He has no real knowledge of programming. He cannot access me. I feel safe with him...and he is good and accepting and very open. He is just what I need right now. Plus, if he really gets stuck, he has my CA t to call for some wisdom. She has the experience and I trust her, having worked with her for several years before moving here.

It also does not help that I was retraumatized three times since moving here, twice by therapists! I am doing pretty darn good for all I have been through. I have been slammed and I refuse to give up! I keep fighting and pushing forward! I just want my insurance company to honor me in that fight and work WITH me, not AGAINST me!

Is that really too much to ask???

I don't know.

Maybe it is. **sigh**

Struggles and Confusion

I hate it when I have days where I just feel as if I am barely functioning. This morning I really struggled to get out of bed. I am sure the time change helped with that...but it was not that so much as it was that I could not seem to break free from that dreamstate. I kept waking and dozing and waking and dozing. Each time, I slipped back into the same dream...moving forward...but the same basic dream. It was one of those rather realistic dreams, too. There was just enough surrealism to make it clear that it was a dream.

Today has been one of those days when I really feel the effects of the abuse I survived. I find myself feeling rather confused. It is difficult to concentrate. Yet, I am managing to get the essentials done. Somehow, even when I struggle to function, the Holy Spirit gets me through. He gives me what I need to make it through the day. Yay!

White as Snow and Forgiveness

When I look at the snow, I think of the song "White As Snow". It is about how what Yeshua/Jesus did for us enables our blackened souls to be made white as snow.

I have seen some pretty horrible things. It is amazing what people can do to each other. **shaking head** I have also been forced to participate in some pretty bad stuff. It can leave a person feeling so tainted...very black. But what Yeshua did for us does not just count for what we have done...it also counts for what was done to us. It does not just count for what we have chosen to do...but also for what we were forced to do.

In other words, there is nothing that cannot be made white as snow through what Yeshua did for us. We need to accept it, though. He offers it as a free gift; but if we do not accept, we do not have it. He offers forgiveness and healing. They go hand in hand. He brings forgiveness for what I have done. And as I allow Him to help me to forgive others for what they have done to me, I find more healing for myself.

I have had to deal with so much in my life...and I still do in some ways. Yet, I know He is always here for me...here with me. He walks alongside of me in everything I go through. For that, I am very grateful.

Being Open About Myself

I don't sign my name on my posts. There is a reason for that. Who I am is not as important as the message I bring. There was a time when I did not let anyone know who I really was...even on survivor forums...for safety reasons. As I share more of my history, it will become more clear as to why that has been a concern.

But lately, things have been changing for me...inside. I believe Yahweh is calling me to be more open. That is one reason I started this public blog. Yet, I do not put it on the blogger list. You will not find it in a google search; but I do appreciate anyone who puts the link on their page. There are ways to get here, obviously, since you are reading this! **smile** Whoever is supposed to read this blog...will! **GRIN**

I realize that the more open I am about my history and my life thoughts, the greater the likelihood that someone who knows me may suddenly think "Oh my gosh...I think I recognize who this is! Why I even talk to her and see her in person!" Or, "Wow! I recognize her writing. I know her from a forum!" Of course, I have invited a lot of my forum friends to come and read anyway, so they DO have an idea of who I am.

This blog is not really about who I am, though, but more about what Yahweh/God has done in my life. I would not be alive today. I would not be functioning even as well as I do...if it were not for Him. He has protected me in ways that are just amazing to me. I have survived generational cult abuse. And yes, I realize that the more I share, the more there is a likelihood that someone who is active in the cult might figure out who I am. But I figure, the group already knows where I am anyway. I have tangled with cult active therapists, both online and offline. It was very hard to deal with...but you know what? I am STILL standing!!!

Yahweh is my God. He is my protector. He is bigger than they ever could hope be. I will obey Him and write here and trust Him to take care of me and of those I love. Nothing happens by accident. I will trust Him to walk me through whatever comes down the road.

Transparency

I always have to ask myself how transparent should I be. How open? If I don't share the things I have experienced...and the things I am currently going through, how will I find healing? And how will I help others to heal? It is in sharing our life experiences that we find out that we are not alone. Others have been through similar things. And the camaraderie and healing that can result from that sharing is incredible.

It is clear to me that we are created for community. Some of the most powerful healing I have experienced has come out of that community...out of sharing, whether in a small group or one on one. It is in the sharing and giving of myself with others and the sharing of others with me that growth is most often found.

Healing is hard work. But when we join together, how much more work is done as the stronger ones help the weaker ones. Those of us who are a bit farther down the road in an area of our lives can help those of us who are not so far along. Walking together eases the burdens of our hearts.

We all have something to share. Some of my healing has come in helping others. Some of it has come in others helping me. No matter how far along I am in my life, there are always some areas in which I am farther behind someone else and some areas in whch I am farther along. And the converse is also true. There are always others who have both something to offer and something they need.

I like the give and take in our healing journeys. No one is above another. We all walk together, side by side, being there for one another. How sad it is when I see someone who is still so locked up inside that they are unable to reach out. The fear is still so strong and it is sometimes next to impossible to trust anyone. Yet, the only way I know to learn how to trust, is to just start taking the risk and doing it. Little by little, bit by bit, I have had to learn who to trust and how much they can be trusted with.

Yes, I have been hurt along the way at times. In fact, I have been outright betrayed. But I have grown more than I have been hurt. I have been blessed in so many ways that I would not trade it for anything, in spite of the hurts and betrayals. And I have made some very precious friends in the process. I have also lost some very precious friends. But I am grateful for the gift of their friendship during the time I had them.

There is a bible verse that says:

2Co 1:3-4 HNV
(3) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Yeshua the Messiah, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort;
(4) who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

I have been comforted. In sharing what I have gone through and how I have been comforted and healed, I can hopefully share that comfort with others. It is my desire and hope to give to others as I have been given to...to pass it on! And that means being transparent about myself. It means sharing my inner self and what I have been through. And that is a huge part of what this blog is all about!

Secrets

We all have secrets...all of us!

The way I see it, there are different kinds of secrets.

One kind consists of things you don't want anyone, ever, to know about. These are the ones you want to take to your grave...the ones you are absolutely determined that NO one in this life will ever hear.

Another kind consists of things that you don't want everyone to know, but you will share them with one really trusted person...or maybe even two. Chances are, if you have several of this kind of secret, you may have shared all of them at least once, but probably not with the same person.

Then there are the kind that you are OK with sharing in a trusted small group. You hope that they will keep it within the group. Or, you share them with one other person because you can see that they have gone through something similar and so you dare to take the risk.

Then there are those that you are willing to share on a larger level...say at a retreat, a conference or a luncheon, as a speaker. These are not so secret as you know it may get around. Of course, if you write a book about it, it isn't really a secret anymore! Although, there are some who do write anonymously.

These secrets consist of basically two kinds of things...those that are done BY us and those that are done TO us. We are ashamed or embarrassed about the things we have done...things we believe will cause others to reject us or look down on us. But isn't it amazing that we can have those same feelings about things done TO us? I mean...why is that? We oftentimes have no control over things done TO us!

Why is it that a woman who is raped is ashamed to say anything? Or a child who is molested, even once he/she grows up, is ashamed to say anything about it? I believe a lot of it is the lies we were told when it happened. The predator, the rapist, the molester, the beater...they all tell the victim that it is the victim's fault. We take on that lie and believe that there must have been something we could have done to stop it...or to prevent it. It does not matter that they were bigger than us...or stronger than us...or that they were a group...or had a weapon or...fill in the blank. What is even worse is that society will often tell us the same lie. *sigh*

How many times has a victim, regardless of age, been made to feel as if they are the guilty one? As if they somehow made it happen? Or allowed it to happen? The victim is given a power they do not really have, which actually strips them many times of the power they should have to heal...the power they should be receiving from getting support and from seeing the real guilty party called into justice.

So...what do we do with our secrets? How do we know what to share? Or how to share? And who do we trust with our secrets? Do we keep them? Or do we become open and transparent about our life experiences? How do we receive healing if we never say anything about them? How do we walk in the realization that there are those who will love us no matter what we have done or gone through?

I hope to look at some of these questions in this blog.