Another thing I am looking it is how much time I spend online and where I spend it. I simply cannot spend as much time at places as I was. I need to do more in person life. Yet, I don't sense that I am to walk away from online life.
I am praying to find that balance between online life and offline life. Most importantly, where am I supposed to be? Where is my calling? I seek these answers, too, from my Creator...Yeshua/Jesus.
I've been taking a look at my life and at my connections to other people. I think it is time to take a look at what connections are strong and what ones are weak...and why. Which ones build up and which ones tear down...in either direction.
I don't want to be someone who tears anyone down, even inadvertantly. Nor do I wish to be torn down...naturally. I don't want to be someone who disappoints others, either. Realistically, though, that is going to happen...the disappointment anyway. I certainly don't set out to tear anyone, although, that does not mean that someone cannot "perceive" it that way.
I only have so much time and energy and I am realizing that I am not spending enough of what I do have with the One person who means the absolute most to me...or who should mean the most anyway. If time spent is an indication of priorities, then this One does not have the right priority in my life.
That is a lot of what I am working on right now. I have to spend time doing life. There is no way around that. However, I also need to take time with my Creator...Yeshua/Jesus. The more I do that, the easier it gets to make it through life. Notice...I did NOT write "easy". Nope, life is very difficult for me, especially with my living situation. I just know that, without Him, I am dust. I just cannot do this life. It keeps throwing me too many curve balls and those closest to me are simply not enough to keep me going...not in this situation.
So...back to friendships...to heart connections. Who tears me down? Who lifts me up? Am I tearing anyone down, however subtly or inadvertantly? Am I lifting others up? Who gives me strength? Who drains me? Is there anyone I should try to reconnect with? Is there anyone I should let go of? Who can I best support? Who should I not try to support? Who helps me grow? Who hinders my growth? Who can I help grow? Whose growth do I hinder?
These are some of the questions I am asking the Holy Spirit to show me the answers to. They are too big for me to answer myself, however, I need to be open to receive the answers. I need to be open to whatever those answers are. Perhaps, some of those answers may help to make life less overwhelming?
I was asked about the verse I referred to in the previous post, so I just figured I would put it here.
Psa 119:103 How sweet are your promises to my taste, more than honey to my mouth!
I have found this to be true. God's Words are sweet to my spirit just as honey is to my taste. They are refreshing to me.
I have read that honey has been discovered to have many healing properties, especially raw honey. It is a natural antibiotic to some germs and can help with allergies if you get it from a local source.
God's word helps to kill the lies that infect my mind and spirit. They also help to protect me from the things that want to overwhelm my spiritual immune system, just like allergies do my physical immune system.
What a sweet time of fellowship I have when I take the time to sit in His presence and rest in Him.
Well, I know it probably looks as if I dropped off the face of the planet...but I did not. :-) I have been doing a lot of thinking, though, and praying. Praying about what I should be doing with my life...where my focus should be...where I should be spending my energy...and on whom.
I don't believe that I am spending anywhere near enough time with my Creator. That is just plain dumb!! The One who made me...Yahweh God...is the One who knows me best...and who loves me the most! When I spend time with Him, it is a sweet time of fellowship.
There is a verse about God's word being sweeter than honeycomb...or is it honey. Shoot...I really need to look that up! I should KNOW these things. See...evidence that I am not spending enough time with Him and His word!
Anyway, the idea is that God's word is good to eat with the spirit and the heart, just like honey is good to eat with the mouth. I have found that to be so true! It is what sustains me in the hard times...and in the good ones, too; for I have found that, being a survivor, even the good times are fraught with hard things.
This is a difficult time...solstice and my father's birthday. Yet, I know that God is with me. Nothing can happen that He does not allow or cause. Either way, He will turn it for my good. He will redeem it somehow. I will be able to use it to help someone else who has gone through things...or who is going through it now. Like my being accessed by my former t, I have learned good things from it...as hard as it was to go through.
No matter what happens, I know that He loves me. Ultimately, this world will fall away and I will be with Him forever. There will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death and suffering. While I am still here, I want to serve Him and others as best I can. I want to be an instrument of healing to others...if I can get my own stuff out of the way. He can change me...and He is. He can make me a better servant...and daughter for Him.
I am His joy. He showed me years ago that He is joyful when He sees me. I am both the Father's joy (Abba's joy)...and a source of joy. That makes my heart glad!
I hope to be writing here more soon. Many things have kept me away, but I am trying to reprioritize my life. Why am I here? What do I want to accomplish? What is God's plan for me? I know His ultimate plan...but what is His shorter term plan...while I am still here? That is what I am seeking to know...what He wants me to do in this life here!
Life can be very stretching. I simply cannot do it without the help of my Creator. I can't. If that makes me "weak" in some people's eyes...oh well. I think the strongest people are the ones who are able to admit their weakness. I am weak. I am fragile. I am learning how to take better care of myself.
I am learning how to let go of things...and yes, even people...when trying to hang onto them results in my becoming even more fragile. When I see myself becoming less functioning, when I see my PTSD rising, I need to pay attention. I used to think so many things and people were worth fighting for. Now, I am learning to choose my battles more wisely. I am learning to entrust things and people more into Yahweh God's hands. I am learning.
My whole life I have been paying the price for other people's actions...for their cruelty and their abuse. Although no one is abusing me now, I am still fragile enough that I can end up paying the price for the things others do and say. I am learning how to take better care of myself...not in anger...but actually in love. Love for myself and for the other person. Above all...love for the One who made me.
Many years ago, God strongly impressed upon me that He has given me a gift...it is the gift of who I am in Him. I am responsible for taking good care of that gift. I am learning how to better do that. At that time, it meant setting a boundary that would have long lasting consequences. Today, it means continuing to learn what boundaries I need to set and how to keep them.
It also means learning what I can and cannot do. Sometimes, my expectations of myself are not realistic. I need to learn how to know what God's expectations are of me...not my own...and certainly not others'. I answer to God alone...as will each of us. I am not here to judge another...nor are they here to judge me.
As much as is possible, I want to live in peace with all. However, sometimes it is not possible...and it is OK to acknowledge that. God tells us to live in peace with all so much as it is in our power to do so. I have learned that it is not in my power to live in peace with all. I can be OK with that.
I have been stuffing things inside for too long, too. Being very busy not only encourages that, but it also makes it harder to do. I know...that sounds contradictory. It takes a lot of energy to stuff. Busyness also takes a lot of energy.
So, busyness encourages stuffing because there is no time to deal with things. Yet, it also drains me to the point that it makes stuffing much more difficult. So, as soon as things let up...like at night...boy do I feel all the stuff that I have been trying to stuff surging up to the surface.
I have been "seeing" more in the sense of visual flashbacks. I have been starting to get hit with emotional pain a bit more...although not nearly to the degree I would expect. At night I find myself tending to feel more and more little. I have no real outlet for the little side of me. So, that side of me pushes it way out when it can.
Stuffing may keep me going for awhile...but I am not "going" very well. It is harder to think straight if I am stuffing. It is more difficult to function...even though I am not coming to a screeching halt. I find that I am fighting to keep from shutting down. There are times when I just want to sit and do nothing. I want to be alone...with my thoughts...and my feelings...and yes, with my flashbacks. I want to be able to process them and work through them and let them out. Alas, there is no time...but more importantly...there is no place.
This is one of those days for me. You know the kind...or maybe you don't. I have this impending sense of "something". My gut is churning. I don't feel all that great. It is like I am shaky inside, but not quite sure why.
Well, maybe I have a clue as to why. Yesterday, I was in an email dialog that was a bit taxing, but it was amicable. At least, I think it was. It was from my end. I can't be sure about the other person. We simply had different viewpoints about the upcoming election and neither of us was going to change the other's mind. I am OK with that.
So, maybe it was not that. Although, it does not take much stress to overwhelm me...even stress from good things...or simple things.
There was also a post I made explaining our living situation. I was a bit uncertain how others might respond to that. I did feel a bit stressed when I posted it. However, I am pretty much OK with it. I had the wording checked by another couple other than my husband and I and they felt it was fine.
Again, though, it does not take much. This has been a very long week filled with too many things. I have been feeling overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed, it does not take much for me to feel like I am being pushed over the top a bit.
So, maybe I am just feeling the accumulation of things from a long week.
I have not been able to come and write here for a bit. I have had so many things on my plate that it feels overwhelming. It does not help that we are going into a time of year that tends to be difficult for me. September and October are selection and preparation months in the cult for what happens at the end of October.
My mind and heart are just filled with things I need to get out, but I will probably just be ramblings. Writing as it comes to me.
I am grieving over so many things right now. Dreams we had when we moved here that have been dashed and shattered. Struggling to improve our living situation to no avail. Friendships I have had to walk away from due to communication that just seems to fail over and over.
There are times when I feel very alone. I know I am not. I have Yahweh God first and foremost and I have my husband and son. The rest of my family lives very far away. The cost of gas and the time involved with trying to improve our living situation has effectively isolated us from being able to invest in any real friendships...not that I connect very easily to others anyway. Everyone lives so far away. I long for an in person friend to do things with...another couple to get together with. Being forbidden to openly share with some people about our lives and about my past has also hindered us a lot.
We have been deeply wounded since moving here...in ways we would have never imagined. It has also come from sources we would never have dreamed. This is the time of year that I was seeing a therapist two years ago who accessed my programming and used me. Boy did I learn a lot from that one.
The days are getting shorter. There is so much I want to do...and so much I need to do...and I feel so hindered. I miss having a table on which to spread things out to work on. I miss having a bedroom. I miss having a bed that is not also my couch. I don't mind sleeping on a couch, but this couch has to be folded out into a bed for two...much more awkward. Plus, I have to roll up our bedding every morning to make it back into a couch. So there is the hassle at night when I am already tired and cannot just fall into bed. I also cannot get up in the morning and just go sit in a chair somewhere.
I have always struggled with sleeping on a bed in the daytime and now the bedroom and living room area boundaries are blurred. I am sure that is not helping my PTSD. Neither is the lack of privacy. I miss having the privacy for adult conversations and other adult stuff.
I miss having some kind of room that I can go into when I need to cry...or for a phone call...or to do art work (especially much needed therapeutic artwork). I am constantly stuffing my emotions and hiding what I am really feeling and how I am really doing. It is very draining.
I miss being able to ride my motorcycle. Someone actually asked to buy it and I just cried. I am not selling it at this point. Selling it would mean another lost dream...two, actually. The dream of being able to ride again and the dream of being able to afford for us to go places and have fun on the motorcycles, since it is less expensive. Even if we cannot afford to go do something, the rides alone are great therapy and great fun. I have missed them. This is especially hard when there are soooooooo many motorcyclists around here.
I even miss being able to call my parents to ask them things...or see how they are doing. But that is just not safe to do. I have received no indication that anything has changed in regards to how they perceive me.
I am fighting tears even as I write this. I know that I can trust Yahweh. He never said life would easy. In fact, Yeshua/Jesus said the opposite. I have run into opposition for many things...some of it simply my own humanness...and some of it more sinister. I choose to keep serving and loving Yahweh...there is no other. He is the One True God...the Creator of everything. It is to Him that I take my tears and my heartaches. It is from Him that I receive some comfort and solace.
Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. I will come back when I can. I hope this feeling of being overwhelmed stops soon.
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