Healing and Emotional Detachment

Hmm...not really sure how to say this. I am realizing that I need to have a healthy emotional detachment from others. I notice this the most with the one person I am closest to, but it applies to others, too. I tend to feel guilty at times about how others are effected by my issues. It is OK to feel sad about it...but it is not OK to feel bad about myself because of it. Feeling bad about myself helps me to spiral downward. Feeling sad does not.

I can feel sad that my brokenness effects others without feeling badly about myself. There is only so much I can do. If I cannot do, or be, what someone else needs me to do, or be, that does not make me a bad person...even if they have every "right" to want me do it. I don't need to beat myself up, or be miserable, just because someone else is miserable or unhappy about how my issues effect them. I can be empathetic. I can care. I can do my best to work on my healing; but I do not have to push heaven and hell to try to change something that I have no control over. That just sets me up for failure and I start to crash.

If someone is struggling with something about me that I have no control over I need to let them face that and work out how to deal with it. Yes, I do need to keep working on my healing...and, hopefully, I will be changed in that process. But the results are not up to me. Neither is how someone else handles those results. That is something that person has to work out.

I can do the footwork, but Yahweh God has to do the healing. He has to change me. I cannot force change. I can change my behavior...to a certain extent. However, I cannot change my triggers. Shoot, a lot of the time I am still trying to figure what the triggers precisely are and why they even trigger me! I can work on those things, but I cannot force myself to not be triggered.

Another thing I struggle with is that, acceptance of myself as I am right where I am at, can look like I am giving up to someone else. It can appear that I don't care and am not really "working" on something anymore. That is not the case, though. To me, acceptance of where I am at simply means trusting that God will do what is needed without my having to be constantly striving and then feeling awful because, in spite of all my hard work and striving, I am still being triggered...or still failing. It means that I can continue to do what I can and trust Him for the results.

Sometimes, if it is someone really close to me, I find that the other person's struggle with me and resulting unhappiness causes me to feel bad about myself. The feelings of worthlessness start to kick in, along with thoughts of them being better off without me. I start to spiral downward and that is not good. I am realizing that my feeling that way means that I am sort of taking responsibility for how they feel. It is harder to see it that way because it happens in such a roundabout way. Nonetheless, it is real...and it is not healthy...for them or me.

There is nothing like feeling helpless to start a round of depression. It works so well. I need to be on guard for that and practice taking good care of myself. It is my responsibility to take good care of my emotional and mental health, just as it is for me to take good care of my physical health.

Life

Life has definitely been a challenge and a struggle. I have to admit that there are times when I sure don't understand what God is doing...or not doing, as the case may be.

I have been writing poetry and having double sessions. I am so grateful to be able to have those double sessions. I seem to be able to get in touch with a lot more than I can in the singles. Singles are better than nothing and it is not like they are unproductive, but I seem to be able to get much farther with the doubles.

My therapist asked me on yesterday...on a scale of 0 - 100, with 0 being "in a hospital" and 100 being "like someone I truly admire for their faith...someone who represents to me the best way to live in faith" (or something along those lines)...where was I two years ago, one year ago and now.

That kind of question is always hard for me to answer. I always see too many variables. Plus, never having been in a mental health hospital and not knowing what it would really be like...and having heard both horror stories and yay stories about hospitals...did not help. However, I took a stab at it.

I thought back to what I was going through and experiencing two years ago and one year ago. I guessed somewhere in the middle...40-50? Then 30-40? Now...0-15/20?

It is hard when I just don't see myself really doing much better. Now, to be fair, I have been hit with some really hard things in the last 8 years...really hard. Our living environment is not helping...nor is a lack of hands on in person "church" support. I also have to take into consideration how well I actually AM doing, in spite of all those things.

Still, it feels like I am drowning. I have been feeling overwhelmed. I don't really know what to do other than to just keep on plugging along...pushing ahead...one foot in front of the other.

Losses and Grieving

The last few weeks I have been doing some grieving. I am not sure that I even recognized it consciously as that. The last week and a half, however, it has reached such a level that I can no longer deny that it is grief.

It has been slowly building and it now feels as if it is coming to a head. Or perhaps I should write that it IS at a head. My heart feels strained and the last few days have been ones of wanting to cry...a lot.

I am grieving for friends who are going through health struggles, grieving for losses in friendships, grieving for losses in things I was hoping I could do, grieving for those I love who have been hurt and betrayed by those they (and I) love, grieving over incidents past and present, etc. The list just goes on.

Sometimes, it is really hard to know what to do with all the grief. It seems like it is just one more thing on top of another. I cannot handle it all. I have to give it to the One who can...my heavenly Abba. He is helping me to get my priorities straight...and to know what to hang onto and what to let go of. He is helping me to learn how to grieve...in a healthy way.

I always struggle with letting some things out...especially anger. I am angry over some of the things that are causing me grief. This is especially the case when the things that have happened are senseless...when there is no reason they should have happened other than someone was being heartless or insensitive. Then again, how many times have I been insensitive? If I want others to be forgiving of me, I must be forgiving of them.

Sometimes, though, things happen simply out of meanness or selfishness. Those are harder for me to deal with...and, ironically, harder to express anger over. I feel so helpless sometimes when I see what happens to others...and to me...and I feel helpless to do a darn thing about it. I think helplessness, perhaps, makes me feel the angriest.

I feel so powerless to do anything to change anything. People are hurt. They even die...and I can do nothing to make it any better. That is what it feels like anyway.

I think I am rambling here, so I am going to bring this post to a close.

Processing - What Is Next?

This guy being gone is having an effect on me. I had told my therapist that I did not think I would really be able to totally process what happened until we moved away. Or at least until my friend no longer worked there. The last thing I expected was for this guy to no longer be there.

Now I find myself thinking of his office. I can see him sitting across from his desk...asking me questions and taking notes. I can hear him challenging me to tell him everything and not hold anything back...as if I was hiding something. I remember him telling me that "they" had been upfront and trusted me...which actually was a lie...and now I should trust them and tell them everything. What was I supposed to tell them? There was nothing to tell. There was nothing in my background, or in my present, that posed any kind of threat to the group.

He said that something had come up in my background check relating to a cult...but he did not tell me what. He was actually "fishing", I realized later. Dummy me, I acknowledged it without first finding out for sure just what it was he heard. I had wondered if something would show up. Now...I don't think it did. I think what he got was hearsay from someone else in the group that my friend had talked to. But there is no way to know for sure now.

He actually did not even have the complete background check back yet...which was a big no no on their part. They were not supposed to hire me without that coming back first. Another reason I think it came from within is because he kept asking me what employees I had told there about my background. He kept insisting I had talked to some of them.

Now, I find myself flashing on him and his office and the whole incident. I find the emotions coming up and I am rather weepy. Although, with several other things that have happened this week...maybe it is everything all rolled together. I don't really know.

It is going to be interesting to see how this turns out...for the group...and for me, personally.

Former Antagonist Is Gone!

Well, I recently got some interesting news. I wrote here about an incident that happened to me a couple of years ago that was very triggering and generated a lot of fear. It triggered my PTSD to sky high levels.

I recently found out that the guy is no longer there. The reasons why he is no longer there are not really important. They don't relate to what happened to me.

So, now I am thinking some things through. I will be able to visit there and know that I will no longer run into him. Will that make a difference? Will I be able to feel more comfortable? I know it won't take everything away. They still have a file on me and the woman is still there. However, I wonder how much of the decision to let me go was influenced by him? I wonder if she might actually harbor some doubt as to whether or not they should have done that? Or as to whether or not any part of the whole thing was even handled appropriately?

Of course, I don't ever expect any kind of apology. That would have to mean an admission that they blew it...in addition to the one thing they already did admit doing wrong. They might not understand that I am not a suing kind of person. I want to just live at peace with others. I wish they would apologize. I wish we could get it all out in the open. It would make it easier to extend forgiveness and move on.

I don't know who will take his place there. There is one person who would really do a good job...someone who this guy fired. He is also someone that quite a few people are hoping will come back, including me. I felt "safe" with that guy.

I don't know what is going to happen...but this I do believe...the group is better off without the one who is no longer there. And they will be even better off if they bring back the one who got fired.

Just my thoughts...for now.

Another Old Message and Therapy

Well, I am mixing two subjects here, although, perhaps they are actually related?

Last night, I thought of another old message:

I am not worth spending money on.
Others, and their needs, are more important than me and mine.
I cannot justify spending money on my needs/wants, especially if we have debts.
I should not expect others to go out of their way to help me.
I am not deserving of any more help than any one else. If anything, I am less deserving...or even not deserving at all.
I should not expect that anyone will inconvenience him/herself for me.

Well...that was obviously more than one. More came to mind as I was writing.

Again, thankfully, I am pretty much past these now. However, I definitely do struggle with some of these. Of course, struggling does not mean giving in. It just means that I have to push through to get to the point of doing what I need to do, in spite of what may be going through my head.

I know that, when my therapy appointments are not covered by insurance, I do tend to struggle with the idea of spending that much money on me. That is one reason why the two subjects can be connected.

My therapist has to keep having phone sessions in order to keep my appointments coming. I see him every week. Since I also do double sessions a lot, my allotment of "approved" appointments runs out a lot faster. That means he has to call more often. I feel badly about that. I know he would probably say that I should not feel badly. It just is what it is. However, I DO feel badly. It is hard not to. He is already being nice about working with me in relation to my copay...why should he have to do anything more?

It is just like his reading up on anything related to me. On the one hand, I want him to read SOMEthing. On the other hand, I feel I should not expect him to read ANYthing! We both knew, going into it, that he did not have experience in my areas. Yet, I don't really have any other options. There is no one in this area who really does. In addition to that, he is a follower of Yeshua/Jesus...a real one...and that is important to me. I need someone who can relate to, and understand, that part of my life.

I also need someone who really cares. Hmmm...that is also where it gets a bit tricky. To me, if someone really cares, they will do at least something to try to understand more about his client. Yet, the fact that he is willing to see someone like me shows he cares. He could have said "no". Someone else did. So, how does one "measure" caring? The lines seem to blur for me. His seeing me shows me he cares. His willingness to work out my copays with me shows me he cares.

He has stuck with me at times when I know he was scratching his head and wondering if I would ever be able to move forward. He has helped me a lot, actually, even if not always in the ways that I wanted. He really does try and he does not pretend to know things. He is honest about his "ignorance" of some things. I appreciate that. At least, I have some idea of what I am working with. I can't say that about my previous therapist. But then, he was a horse of a different color and a subject for a different post.

Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity

There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable...so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.

I hate feeling like I must read it...when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.

I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside...settled and stabilized...and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist...always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don't know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don't know.

My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?

I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak...OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner...OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch...I can live with that. What I am only matters in God's heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop...and I don't want to med up.

I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try...there are some things I just cannot fix...and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away...for everyone's good. I don't want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.

I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace...even if that peace means separation.

I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes...the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*

Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don't know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You...the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty...and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is...and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

More Old Messages

More old messages that are coming to mind.

You will never belong.
No one will understand you.
People will think you are crazy.
You must hide what you are really like.
You must hide what you really think.
You must hide what you really feel.
You must hide what you really experience.
People are only nice out of a sense of duty or "Christian" obligation.
People are only nice because they feel sorry for you.
People see you as a "project".
You can never trust your senses.
You deserve everything that happens to you.
Negative things are your lot in life...your destiny.
You must fulfill your destiny.
You must become what we want you to become.
If you are not OK, I am not OK.
You must be perfect so that others will think I am a great mother.
You must be perfect so that others will think our family is OK.
Our family IS OK.
Our family is normal.
Other families have problems.
You must always know what to do and how to behave.
You must always behave perfectly.
You must excell at whatever you do.
You must fulfill our plans for you.
You owe us.
You are obligated to us.
Your life if not your own.

So many messages so subtly woven throughout my psyche...and some not so subtly woven. Some I have moved beyond. Some I still struggle with in current day life.

Feeling Positive

I am approaching a time of year when it is typically more difficult for me, due to being a cult survivor. Yet, I am also growing. Yes, I sense the struggle beginning to take place within. However, this time of year is only one part of my life. It is NOT my whole life! I refuse to let it be my whole life!

I am choosing to make sure that my focus is not so totally on what is starting to happen that I neglect to feel good and positive about other areas of my life. I am moving forward in some areas. That is exciting.

So, regardless of what this time of year brings...I am looking up! I am moving forward. I am not going to let my upcoming struggles keep me in the dark. Even when I find myself reeling under the enormity of things, I will also keep my eyes on the positive steps I am taking in my life!

Where Should My Focus Be?

There is something about myself that I have been working on changing for about the last year now. Recently, I was hit with the realization that I am definitely not there yet. I am much closer than I think I have ever been...but still not there.

What really brought it home for me just recently is that there was something very significant and very important happening to a very dear friend...and I spaced on it. It was not that I totally forgot about it, but I really believe it should have been more in the front of my mind. I was distracted away from it. When this friend brought it up, I had to ask about it because I had spaced on it. That did not feel good...or right. It really pulled me up short.

There are people that Yahweh God has brought into my life. These are people who consider me to be a good friend. They feel close to me. I don't know why. I feel so messed up and so broken that it is difficult for me to fathom this, but they do. They see my heart. They KNOW me! Sometimes it really amazes me how well they know me.

These are ones I know my heart is safe with. I know that, no matter what I say or do, they will not trample on my heart. They will hang in there and help me to work through whatever is going on...and I think, I hope, they know their hearts are safe with me.

These are the ones who see the shades of gray and are able to ask me questions about myself to help me see more clearly the things I need to see. We are both iron sharpening iron and loving support for one another. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Soooooo, why am I "neglecting", for lack of a better word, to invest more time and emotional energy to build up these friendships than I am? That is what I have been looking at for quite a while now. Granted, I have my own life struggles that interfere. They know that. They have their own struggles that they are dealing with, so they understand that. Sure, I do need to push through my own stuff...my own abuse background that tends to interfere with my having trusting close friendships.

However, it is more than that. I believe that I have allowed myself to be distracted away through investing time and emotional energy where I should not have been. It is not that I never should have been. I don't believe that for one minute. Yet, there can come a time when it is appropriate, and even necessary, to move on...to step away, at least for a bit.

I have been spinning my wheels, as it were, and being drained and distracted. As a result, I have not been investing enough in the very friendships that most benefit from that investment! Shame on me for that. Yes...shame. I looked up the definition. There is nothing wrong with feeling ashamed of our shortcomings and faults. It means that we feel the painful emotion of recognizing that we have blown it. Shame can motivate us to change for the good...and that is what I am working on.

I am going to continue to let go of those things which are distractions that draw me away from the people I should be focused on. I feel good about that. I feel good about the fact that I am so much closer to this goal than I was before. I feel good about the fact that I am able to see it even more clearly now...and that I am able to put more actions to the desire to change. I feel good about the fact that I can have confidence in knowing that my heavenly Abba has been helping me and that He will continue to help me.

It always feels good to know that I am moving in the right direction. I have some art ideas to work on to help me concretely move forward.

Old Messages

I am realizing that there old abuse messages that can be triggered in current life. When they are triggered, it can be very difficult to see clearly what is really going on in the present. The past and the present can become all mixed together.

I figured it might be helpful to identify some of those messages from my own life. Messages I somehow got growing up...and some even into adulthood...written as if they are being spoken to me:

Good girls do what they are told.
...because I'm right.
...because I know.
Never challenge authority.
Never question authority.
Always obey authority.
You are not authority.
You are stupid.
You are smart...you should know.
You don't know...we do.
If you...(fill in the blank) you will be love.
If you...(fill in the blank) you will be accepted.
You must do things the right way only. (Perfectionism)
If I am unhappy, it is your fault.
If I go crazy, it will be your fault.
If your sister turns out poorly, it will be your fault because you are a bad example.
Doing a poor job is deserving of criticism.
Doing a good job is simply expected and not deserving of praise or gratitude.
Do it again...and again...the whole thing...until you do it right.
Do NOT defend yourself.
Do not try to explain.
Do not tell me I am wrong.
I know you better than you know yourself.
I know what you think and feel...do not try to correct me.
You cannot hide from me.
I will always know the truth.
You cannot keep anything from me.
You must answer every question...completely...and precisely. (wow...I wonder if this has anything to do with my tendency to freak out over filling out forms?)
You must never hide anything from us.
Obedience must be immediate...and without question.
Never share anything negative about the family with anyone for any reason.
Image is everything.
What other people think of you is all important.
You must hide your true feelings.
No one will accept the real you.
Being accepted is everything.
It does not matter if nine out of ten like you if the tenth one does not. You must win the tenth one over.
You must do whatever is expected of you, regardless of how it effects you...or makes you feel.
If you are not right all the time, there is something wrong with you.
If you disagree with someone, one of you is wrong. It is your responsibility to change their thinking...or change yours.
If you are wrong, it is shameful.
If you are wrong...people will think you are stupid.
If you don't know something...people will think you are stupid.
You must be all things to all people.
You must never do anything wrong.
You must be a sexual person.
Being a sexual person makes you a ... (fill in the blank).
You must tell us everything we want to know.
It is OK for me to be angry with you and take that anger out on you. It is not OK for you to be angry with us.
It is OK for me to "discipline" you until my anger is spent, but it is not OK for you to cry out, or yell, or duck, or hide, or resist in any way.
You are to know what I mean, regardless of what I say.
You are to anticipate what I need...and meet that need.



There are other messages, too. But this is all I am going to list at the moment. There is already plenty here. Wow! As I look over this list, I am amazed at how many of these messages I had forgotten because I simply do not live by them anymore. Way cool! It feels good to be free from them.

Some of them, however, I find can still get triggered, even if only subtly, still today. I need to watch out for that. It really feels good, though, to see how much I have actually grown. I will keep on working on that.

Disappointment in Childhood Heroes

Today is good. However, on the flip side of things, I have been bitterly disappointed to find out some things about some of my childhood heroes. One especially. There is someone I always looked up to growing up and my son is following in my footsteps with that. I always admired this guy...and others with him. Now, I will never look at him, or them, the same again.

I was reading this guy's bio to my son and started to fight tears when I came to the part about his being a Mason, a Shriner, a Knight Templar and member of a Masonic temple...in addition to his "christian" persona. My son asked me what was wrong. I did not tell him. Because this guy's public persona seems to be so "right on", I am not going to steal one of his heroes away from him. When he is older, it is time enough for him to know the truth.

It started me doing some research, though. In the process of researching the one, I uncovered a number of people with similar backgrounds that I had looked at as "heroes". I know that a lot of people don't see anything wrong with the Masons. So be it. I won't argue with them. I am sure we won't be able to convince each other to think differently. That's OK.

It is sad, but it also points out again a very real truth...people are not always what they seem to be. They can have more than one persona. I mean...all of us do to some extent. We are mothers, wives, teachers, cleaners, counselors, etc. Those personas all kind of run together and overlap.

Sometimes, though, there can be personas that are drastically different. Sometimes, that difference includes acting for good or for evil. How many people have murdered someone and the neighbors said they thought the person was really nice, quiet, good neighbor, etc.? How many molesters walk around looking like "molesters"? What does a molester look like?

Truth is, people can have a darker side that only those who are very close to him or her can see. When all you know about someone is what you see on the silver screen and in media and in the public eye...well, you just don't really know the person. It is the spouse, the children, those who live with a person who get a really good idea of what a person is like.

I am disappointed. I will get over it. *sigh*

Weight Lifting

Today has been a good day. The sun is out. I made it to church and really enjoyed it. My spirits are better than they have been for awhile. I have really been struggling and wrestling with some things lately.

I am not sure I can adequately describe it, but I have been starting to feel almost as if a weight is lifting off my heart and off my soul. I am starting to feel lighter somehow.

Perhaps it is because I am finally coming to the point of letting some things go. I am taking them...and in my mind...I am picturing myself holding them in my hand. I reach my hands out to my heavenly Daddy and give them to Him. I know that He will take very good care of them. I find that thought very comforting.

Slowly, but surely, Yahweh God is moving me forward...one foot in front of the other. One heartbeat after another. I have been seeking Him more and really trying to listen for His voice...trying to understand His ways and what He is saying to my heart. I am grateful that He is always there for me. I love Him.

Trying to See

I have been doing a lot of thinking...a lot of soul searching...and a lot of praying. It has caused me to look back over the last few months of posts I have made here...trying to see what I wrote with new eyes. I have become aware of the fact that a couple of persons are upset about some things I have written...persons that, as far as I knew, were no longer reading here. It was not my intent to upset anyone.

Something happened a couple of months or so ago that I have written about here...without naming names or places or giving any identifying information. I have written some of my thoughts and feelings and perspectives on it...just as I write my thoughts and feelings about all sorts of things that have happened in my life.

Since I have become aware that at least one of these persons has been continuing to read, and of the resulting feelings of upset, I figured that I really should take a look at what all I have written here since the whole thing happened.

Was what I wrote inappropriate? I don't know...I don't think so. If I had identified the persons involved, or made it obvious to others who they were, then yes, most definitely it would have been wrong. Still...if someone is that upset...I need to take a look at it. One can be "technically" right and yet "morally" wrong.

There are almost 50 posts that have been made since it happened. Of those posts, I could only find direct references to what happened in about a half dozen posts. I have not deleted any.

There are about a dozen other posts addressing some other topics. When I wrote about those topics, I drew from all sorts of things I have experienced over the years, including the incident these persons are referring to. So, yes, there are some references, most pretty vague, that consist of anywhere from one sentence to a handful of sentences, within these other topic posts. Even as I reread them, they did not bring the incident to mind for me...other than the few sentences here and there. I know that the incident was not foremost in my mind at the time that I wrote them.

Until the other day, I had not written directly about it for over a month and indirectly only once that I can find. I am saddened that anyone is upset by what I write...especially when I actually wrote so little about it. Unless something happens to trigger my thoughts and feelings in that direction, I see no reason to write about it specifically any more.

That does not mean that there may not be aspects of it that won't get written about simply because life is like that. One thing overflows into another. There are many common experiences and feelings among people in general and among survivors in particular. It would be difficult to write about much of anything without someone seeing themselves in it somewhere. I often see myself in what others write.

I don't really know what more I can do.

I am soooooooo tired.

Tears

Tears can be good. At least, I sure hope so, because they are starting to fall. That is all I want to say right now.

Victims and Letting Go

I am not sure where this is going to go. I am puzzled by something and am not sure how to express it. It has to do with being hurt...and expressing that hurt. It seems that, to some, if you express hurt, it automatically means that you are "acting like a victim". I guess I just don't get that.

I mean...can't one be hurt without being a "victim"? Hmmm...I think I will go look up the word and see what good old Webster's has to say about it. This is what it says at the online Merriam-Webster dictionary site:
victim

Main Entry:

vic·tim

Pronunciation:

\ˈvik-təm\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Latin victima; perhaps akin to Old High German wīh holy

Date:

15th century

1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent (the schools are victims of the social system): as a (1): one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer) (a victim of the auto crash) (a murder victim) (2): one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment (a frequent victim of political attacks) b: one that is tricked or duped (a con man's victim)

Hmm...I guess that, technically, if someone experiences hurt from some source, that makes them a victim. However, I also notice that the examples given here seem to be pretty serious. So, maybe, it does not really apply to smaller hurts? I don't know.

I guess another question is...is being a "victim" a bad thing? Hmm...let me restate that another way. Obviously, no one would say that being hurt is a good thing! I guess what I am asking is this:
If a person is hurt...and expresses that hurt...is that bad? Is that playing the victim role? Or is it simply expressing a truth about how/what they are feeling? Expressing their perspective? Is there a "right" or "wrong" in this? Feelings are what they are. Perspectives are what they are. Isn't it possible for people to have differing perspectives and feelings and yet both be "right"? Or even both be "wrong"?

I guess another related question would be this:
If more than one person is hurt...and they all express their hurt...is only one being a "victim"? Does only one person have the "right" to be a "victim"?

Oy vey, this is getting complicated. I guess it would help to explain what has triggered this pondering. I had someone say that I was acting "like a victim" in regards to something. I am not quite sure I understand what this person means. If we follow the definition of being adversely effected, perhaps everyone involved could be considered a victim? So, if this person expresses hurt...isn't that also acting "like a victim"? I have to admit that I am a bit confused by all this.

Oh, well. There are some things that I may never understand...and I really don't think I need to understand everything in order to live a somewhat emotionally healthy life. I think it is important to know what to let go of and what to hold on to. I am choosing to let go of this one. It is too complicated for me.

Therapy and Moving On

T went really well today. I feel like I accomplished more than I have for awhile. I got in touch with some feelings that I have been needing to get in touch with. He gave me an assignment. I have to answer a question. I have no idea what I will answer. It is one of those things where you have to seek the answer...as in I need to pray and ask for help.

I think I also made a decision today...to find a way to get out of here. Being in this place is holding me back in some things...and not just me. It is time. We did what we came here to do. It is time to move on...or perhaps...to move back. I don't know. Where are we supposed to be? We are praying for wisdom on that one.

I want to be in a place where I don't have to couch what I say to others. Where I don't have to be concerned about someone else's job...although he says not to be concerned. He says to be me. Yet, that is hard. I don't really feel much freedom to be "me"...not here...and maybe not anywhere. Well, there is one place where I think I would feel it...but he does not want to go there. It would take an act of God...literally. So, I must let go of that desire. Although, I still hope it will happen...but I must not set my heart upon it. I must let go of that dream. If it is meant to be...He will bring it back...in reality instead of in my heart.

Determination and Lies

There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?

I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it...or that it was my lot in life...my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries...OK to say "no".

Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things...of Yahweh showing me what I had to do...every little step of the way...for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me...showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.

I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.

I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things...continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward...not backward.

The Human Spirit

I am amazed at the human spirit. We just keep pushing on and pushing on, determined to get where we are going. Why? What drives us? I am not always even sure what drives me. I know I want to be free. I want to be all that I was created to be. Then, too, I hate the idea that the perps get to win. I think that is part of what drives me when nothing else will. I refuse to give them anything!

I know they lose in the end...but I want them to lose NOW! I want them to see me walking in freedom...unafraid...unencumbered by all that they did to me! I may not get totally there, but I sure am going to work on it until the day I die!

They will NOT win! They have NOT won! They have already lost...whether they know it or not! I was created with a purpose. The Creator of the universe gave me that purpose and He is fully able to help me to walk in it...whether I totally understand it or not.

I am very grateful for His protection and for His love toward me. He has brought me through many things...many things. He continues to do so. Life is full of life lessons...things to learn about myself, about Yahweh, about others. I will keep on learning.

More on Anger

Well...it is t day today. I spoke to him on the phone this morning. I told him that I need him to push me. I have emotions under the surface. Like a wound that is infected that we need a doctor to lance, or cut into, to release all the gunk, I need him to lance through the protective layers I have covering my anger and emotions. I really need him to push on me.

I can get in touch with some of my anger, but not when I can really let it out and process it. I think to myself...OK, I'll do it in t. I even kind of run it through my head...how I'll do it. Then I get to t and the anger is miles away from me. I don't want another t appointment talking about superficial stuff. That is not to say that t has not been helpful... or that it has all been superficial. Au contraire...it HAS been helpful...but I really need to get to this stuff.

I know that he is concerned about triggering me...but then...what better place to be in if I am triggered? It is a safe place to work through that...to let myself experience it...walk through it. This is especially true during double sessions when there is more time to recupe.

I think he is, perhaps, a bit nervous about treading into territory that is unfamiliar to him. He does not typically work with survivors like myself. I got triggered once before in his office. It was the first time I was ever able to just allow it to happen in front of someone. Typically, I would do everything in my power to try and hide it.

I need that freedom. I need him to not be concerned about it happening. I don't need him to fix it. I just need him to learn about how to help me be grounded and walk through it. I don't think it is all that complicated. Just be there. Don't give pat answers. Talk to me...be with me. I don't know. I just know that I believe we can do this. I really NEED for him to do this with me. I am determined to push through and not be held back. I will keep working on freedom.

A Phone Call and Uncertainty

I got a call from someone yesterday. I'm still figuring out how I feel about it. It was one of those calls that I had kind of hoped would eventually come...and yet, at the same time, was not sure if I really wanted. I guess I should explain.

I had a friend pull away from me a while back. It hurt. After getting hit with several things from some that I had considered friends, it felt like a really low blow. This was a friend that I had defended when she was being disparaged.

I believe that true friends can be open and honest with one another. That is what I tried to do, however imperfectly. I do not believe in deceitfulness or hiding or backstabbing. When I acted upon that belief, I was pulled away from. I was also told by someone else that I had hurt her, along with three others. I don't rightly know if I hurt her or not. I do know that I apologized for hurting her and she said she forgave me. (Why two of the three would be hurt, I have no idea, as it really did not involve them directly. The third one...well, she is the one who was doing the disparaging and ducking around talking about it.)

We talked openly when she called. She told me that her pulling away had nothing to do with me, that it was all her. She had needed to pull away and try to sort through some things...my wording. She asked if she had hurt me. With her encouragement, I admitted that she had. I told her how I felt that I had been slammed for being loyal and having integrity.

She asked about the possibility of our trying to take baby steps to restore the friendship. I told her that I am very open to that...but I also told her that, as a result of several things that also happened right before she pulled away, that my walls are high and my trust level is low.

I guess I am wondering, too, about something else. I can appreciate that someone can need space for awhile. However, how am I going to know if she is going to pull away again? I guess it is a risk. But then, aren't there always risks in friendships? How much is a friend worth?

I am known for my loyalty to friends. I have welcomed back friends who have hurt me deeply. A lot of that has to do with the motivations behind the hurts. There is a big difference between being hurt by someone who was deceived and who believed lies about me versus someone who is just plain malicious or mean. I have forgiven much, especially when I believed I saw true sorrow in the person who had hurt me.

There are some, though, who I would only offer forgiveness to. Trusting them again is a totally different matter. There is a line that a person can cross that would cause it to be impossible to earn my complete trust...outside of Yahweh really showing me that I should give it to them. This person does not fit into that category.

I am willing to receive phone calls and emails. I am willing to try and be as open as I can. That is all that I can do at this point. I am tired of complicated relationships. I can only handle so many of them at a time. I will give my energies to those who are willing to be open and honest and stick it out without running, ducking or dodging. I guess that pretty much eliminates the possibilities of some people becoming friends with me again...not unless one of us changes.

I guess only time will tell in this friendship. Yes, I still consider it to be a friendship. I am just not sure what state it is in, exactly. It was in a state of distance. Maybe, now, we can draw closer again. How close? I have no idea. As I told her...my walls are up and my trust level is low. However, the fact that I could openly tell her that and she could receive it is, I think, a very good sign. There are no real expectations on either side. What will be will be. I am guarding my heart.

I guess we are sort of starting over...and that is not a bad place to be.

Disappointments & Perspective

Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.

I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else...in fact many someone elses...have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don't know.

I do know that there can be many things that we don't see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend...or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one...but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are "older". Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.

I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten...currently. I am fairly healthy...as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving...I have food to eat. I have shelter...I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass...or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm...maybe I don't have it so bad after all?

There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don't know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor...or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.

I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don't know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.

However, I won't give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside...bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don't want to hate...yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say "I hate". I really don't want to go there. I want my heart to be free...not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.

Nope...I don't want to go there. I must find a way to work through...and truly forgive.

Anger, Anger, Anger!

I hate being treated like a criminal...like I've done something wrong, when I have not.

I hate it when someone starts asking questions and fishing instead of just coming out and sharing what they know and giving me a chance to respond to it.

I hate it when someone says that I told someone else something about myself, but they won't tell me who I supposedly said it to or exactly what was said, so that I can have some sort of context and be able to clear it up.

I hate being treated as if I am hiding something when I am not...or as if I am being dishonest, when I am not.

I hate it when people get on power trips and treat others like they are insignificant and unimportant. We are ALL important in Yahweh/God's eyes...and should be to each other.

I hate being pitied.

I hate being looked down on.

I hate being considered "less than".

I hate it when someone behaves like a jerk.

I hate it when, instead of having a dialog, I am interrogated...with many obvious tactics.

I hate being treated like dirt.

I hated being raped and used.

I hated being treated like an object.

I hated being forced into doing things I did not want to do.

I hate...

Expressing Anger

It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?

I would really love to hear others' thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.

I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.

It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion...not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles...all very innocuous...as if nothing had happened.

I am pretty sure that they...both him and her...were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.

Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.

Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think...that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously...that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!

The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we "hiding"? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing...all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.

I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don't like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.

I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again..."I choose to forgive him/them." It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.

Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don't want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone...other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.

So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.