PLEASE READ WARNING TO YOUR LOWER LEFT!! I have survived SRA. I have PTSD and partial amnesia. These are my thoughts on spirituality, healing and abuse. As I have shared my thoughts over the years others have encouraged me to look into publishing. Perhaps this is the first step? :) I do not know how you found my link, but however you found it, I hope it blesses and encourages you.
I saw a rainbow the other day. It was actually a double, although the second one was very faint. It was a nice reminder of His promises to us. I guess I really kind of needed to see it.
Thankfully, the group call back is lessening. I know that I am growing ever stronger, even though there are many days when I don't feel it. My walk with Yahweh is growing deeper. I have His protection. I have seen it. Others have seen it. Why me? Why not some of my friends? That is what I ask. Yet, I know that He is protecting them, too, in ways that none of us can see yet.
I know that, when I look back, there are things He had to lead me out of a bit at a time. The free will of others was involved, too, as well as my own. I did not even know what was really going on. I did not know about the accessing. I did not know about the cult group. It was all dissociated away, buried somewhere inside, along with the memories of my sister. Yep, I still don't remember much of anything about growing up with her. Maybe it is better that way, given the few things I have started to remember. *sigh* I can live with not remembering. Yes, I can.
Hey, wanna see a pic of the rainbows? I will try to get one up here.
I had a really good day today! I went to my therapist and to the library. I did some Bible study and book reading. I also watched some youtube vids. Yep...it was a good day, all in all. And it feels really nice to have a good day. I did get hit with some stuff on the way home, but it was fairly minor. It was OK.
I don't know what the future holds for me. We will have to wait and see.
This is something I have pondered for some time. I mean, when someone is accused of something, they have a "defense" attorney. They are given the opportunity to "defend" themselves...to explain their part, or lack of it, regarding what happened. This is considered a good thing...to be able to defend oneself. In fact, we would cry "foul" if such an opportunity were not given!
Hmmm. Those definitions sound pretty good to me. Naturally, we want to protect ourselves, to resist aggression or attack. So...at what point does being defensive in the good way become "being defensive" (with a negative connotation)? My observation is this.
Defending oneself is a good thing. Everyone does it. When "being defensive" becomes an accusation, it usually means the accuser is very triggered and/or running from facing up to the truth. I will explain. If a person is behaving "defensively", it is logical to assume that they are feeling under attack. I believe it is appropriate to ask them if that is the case, particularly if no attack is intended. It may be they are misinterpreting the words or actions being directed at them. This is a legitimate use of the word and can be helpful in communication, especially if there is a misunderstanding taking place.
An example of this would be: One person (John) will approach another (Mark) about something Mark said or did. John will share what was said/done and how it effected him, how it made him feel, etc. The idea being to invite dialog. At that point, Mark can enter into open dialog. He may explain what he said/did. He may even realize that he was in error and apologize. OR, Mark may go off the deep end and act as if he is being attacked and refuse to listen to what John has said. Mark is then being defensive, even though he is not under attack and, therefore, has no need to be. This is considered a negative form of "being defensive".
Why would Mark think he is being attacked? Well, one possible reason might be if he was raised in an environment where being "wrong" about something was a dangerous thing. Sometimes, especially when dealing with survivors, being "wrong" meant severe and abusive punishment. It could even mean the threat of death, either to them or to another person.
Suppose Mark has that kind of background. For him, being caught at doing something "wrong" triggers desperation. It can even cause him to refuse to actually respond to what John has said. He may throw up smokescreen attacks against John in an effort to draw the attention off of what he has done. He is being "defensive", even when there is no longer any real need to do so.
Then John finds himself truly being attacked by Mark as part of Mark's "defensiveness". John, like Mark, can respond in different ways. He can ask Mark if he feels attacked and try to talk to him about it; although Mark may not be able to clearly look at that. He can lash back out at Mark, and truly start to attack him...or, he can try to reason with Mark and clarify what he is trying to say.
Even if John stays calm and just tries to explain, Mark (who is very triggered) will not be able to hear John. Interestingly, this is when John will be accused of "being defensive", even though he is actually not. He is merely trying to explain and resolve things.
When I look at the definitions of the word, being defensive is not a negative thing. In fact, it can be a very positive thing! The times I see it used in a accusatory way, as if it were a negative thing, it is usually when someone is trying to avoid the truth. In that instance, "explanations" becomes "defensiveness".
It is amazing to me how wild some conversations can become when someone is triggered like that. I have seen conversations where John will say something to Mark and Mark's response, due to being so triggered, does not even relate to what John said! Mark will totally duck the issue and hit John back with something unrelated. Then, when John tries to get things back on track, he is accused of "being defensive" and "attacking".
We really need to give each other a lot of grace in these things. We need to recognize our own triggers, as well as doing the best we can to be sensitive to the triggers of others!
So many times, life just does not turn out like we think it will. Or like we hope it will. Shoot, I found out that even my history is not what I thought it was. How bizarre is that? To realize that what I remember as my life was a farce...an implanted lie!
There is one thing, though, that I know is not a lie. My heart connection with Yahweh God. That has always been real and continues to be real. He has been with me throughout it all. He knows the truth and is able to show me what I need to know. He has guided me on my healing journey all of my life. I can look back and see His hand there, with me behind the scenes.
Without Him, I would not have been able to survive. Without Him, I could not do life today. It is that simple. I simply could not do it. He is good to me. I look forward to going home to be with Him forever. In the meantime, I will tough it out here in this life...with Yeshua/Jesus by my side and His Ruach/Spirit dwelling within me.
Life is good. Yahweh God is good. He is what makes life good. Otherwise, there really isn't much this world has to offer to me. I see what is happening all around me. Things are coming to a head and we had all better be ready. I mean ready in the spiritual sense because I really don't believe there is much we can do in the physical.
This world is running on a plan. Evil has a plan, and it will appear to work for awhile. Then it will fail. Yahweh God, who made all things, will always be the ultimate victor. He is more powerful than anyone, or anything, on this earth. Count on it! I eagerly await Yeshua/Jesus' return.
My family wants me to reconnect with them. Call "home". Check in. It is not going to happen. If it does, it will be on my terms, not theirs. Until Yahweh God makes it very clear that I am to call them, I won't. Period. End of subject.
I have just gone through about a month of reconnect programming being triggered with several days this week being the strongest. Well, it did not work. Yahweh God is protecting me. He has shown me His protection, even to the point of sending angels (seen by someone else).
The one time I did get accessed, by a local therapist, it was because I was confused about what I was hearing inside. I saw the danger signs but did not properly interpret them. Still, He was there with me. He allowed me to realize what happened and taught me through it. I am wiser now. He turned it around for my good. Nothing happens without His either causing it or allowing it. I choose to trust Him for whatever happens...good or bad.
Several times He has clearly given me directions to keep me safe. I will keep on listening to Him and learning to hear Him better. If I am taken, He will use it somehow for my ultimate good, like teaching me. He will show Himself strong in me.
I am not going to call back. Period. Not gonna happen. No way! I will not be re-entangled with the group. I belong to Yahweh. I am His...through His creating me. Through His Son Yeshua paying my price and taking my penalty. I am His through His Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit who lives within me and who gives me strength and comfort. I am Yahweh's and His alone.
I have not written here for a bit because I have been very busy. Part of that busyness has involved struggling. My family of origin apparently thinks it is time for me to contact them. Actually, I wish it were really so. However, it is not.
The time to contact them will come when they are able to face their stuff and work on their healing. It will come when they are able to break free from the group. That may never happen, although I truly hope that it does. I know that they were victimized just as they victimized others. I would really like to see them free. I would like to see all cult members free and healed.
So, I have spent some days dealing with my PTSD. I have spent some days struggling to function and deal with all the things on my plate. It is a one foot in front of the other time for me. It is a one day at a time or even one moment at a time season for me. I hope it is a very short season.
Today is a time of hurting. There are things I am thinking about...but I don't think that is what is causing the pain. I think it is just the flashbacks...again. Pain upon pain just wells up inside of me. My "heart" hurts. I am in emotional pain.
I called someone and asked him to pray for me as I went into the dentist. I am so thankful that I did. It actually went better than it has before. I also talked to my system and explained that all was OK. I am sure that probably helped, too.
Yahweh God is there for me. He always has been, although I have not always been able to see it until afterward.
Which brings me to something else. He has been showing me some things lately. One of the things which He has shown me from time to time is that there are people who are praying against me. The cult is very diligent in praying for its enemies...probably way more diligent than Yahweh's people are about praying for ours. It will not work to pray against me. That is not a challenge...it is simply a statement of fact.
Prayers against someone are basically curses. It says in God's Word that an undeserved curse is like a bird flitting around that cannot come to rest. I try to live at peace with others...to do nothing that would cause me to deserve a curse. However, all of us, because of the wickedness in our own hearts, deserves to be ultimately cursed. None of us can claim perfect goodness. All we can claim is that we are "better than" this one or that one. Yet, we are all wicked on some level...even if it is hidden in our hearts and not seen in our actions.
That is one reason that I am so grateful for what Yeshua/Jesus already did for me. He suffered and died for all of the wicked things I have ever done or ever will do. He became cursed for me. All of the curses that I deserve He took. Wow!
So, the upshot is this. I am His and no one can cause a curse to come upon me or upon my family. The next part is also important. Whenever I become aware of prayers being offered up against me or against my family I pray for the people doing the praying. I pray for their eyes to be opened to the truth. I pray for the Adversary to be bound up away from them. I pray for them to become free!
I see the dentist today. I hate going because I have to have two fillings done. I just don't like people working in my mouth. I can handle it in little doses...but extensive stuff is really hard.
I am also very tired, which does not help. Between being tired and the upcoming appointment I am pretty spaced. I hate to take something to "calm" me down when I am this tired. Argggg! Wouldn't you know? The times when I most need a little something, I am too tired to take anything!!! What is up with this?
To top it off...I don't feel all that great. Of course, it could just be from the anxiousness of the appointment coupled with being very tired. I don't know. I just wish I could call the whole thing off and stay home...but that is not a practical option. I don't always have a vehicle to get me to the dentist and, if I don't go today, it could be a month or more before I get back in. I have already put it off for a long time.
It feels good to move forward...to take positive steps for myself.
It feels good to know that I am growing inside.
It feels good to know that I can set healthy boundaries...and still love the ones I am setting them with.
It also feels good to feel stronger. Each step I take forward makes me stronger. And I know Who it is that helps me do that. I know that I cannot do it on my own.
It feels good to be able to give and receive support.
It feels good to know that I am loved and cared for.
It feels good to be able to love and care for others.
It feels good to be able to keep on facing the past without letting it hold me back from the future.
It feels good to be able to write things that others actually enjoy reading.
In fact, it feels good to be able to write things that I enjoy reading! Like my poetry!
It feels good to know that I am not alone...even though there are times when I still find myself feeling very isolated and alone.
It feels good to know that I do not have to live by feelings even though I am sometimes overwhelmed to the point of feeling incapacitated by them.
I know that all things eventually pass. Life is up and down. There will be good days and bad days. Up days and down days. I won't have all good days, but neither will I have all bad days!
It feels good to be able to face life, knowing that Yahweh God has all things in His hands. He is allowing things in my life to help me grow strong. He is bringing people into my life to help me...and people for me to help. And that, too, feels really good!
I hate doing hard things. But I am willing to do them and, with Yahweh God's help, I do actually do them. Some seem to think, though, that my doing of hard things must mean that I have a heart of stone. That I have no feelings. Or that I do not care about others.
Well, one thing I have learned is that I cannot change others' perspectives. Nope. It is just not possible. I can speak the truth as best I can; but ultimately, they will believe what they choose to believe. Sadly, that may be based more upon what is convenient and less upon the actual truth.
Truthfully, that hurts! It hurts to be shut out by those I love. It hurts to be pushed away from someone I was loyal to...someone I defended...someone I stood up for.
It also hurts to try and communicate with someone and have them respond to things I never wrote while ignoring some of the things I did write. It hurts to be accused of doing the very things that person is doing to me. It also hurts to have someone I trust write things to me that seem almost as if they are deliberately trying to trigger me. And it hurts to be pushed away by someone I stood up for and remained loyal to.
Why do all these things hurt? Well...some of it is how I feel myself. I won't deny that. However, there is something much bigger going on. Each one's behavior reflects things they are experiencing and going through. So, I also hurt for them. Yeah, there is a part of me that wants to be angry for myself...oh poor me. But what I am experiencing is nothing compared to what they must be having to live with.
Each one of us is the way we are for a reason. Good things have happened. Bad things have happened. They all impact us. They all contribute to us being the way we are...to our reacting to things the way we react. So...are we just automatons? Is there no hope of being changed? Of being able to see truth and learn new ways to respond to things? I believe there IS hope.
For me, the key to being changed is to allow Yahweh God to change me. I cannot change myself. I can make decisions to change. I can take steps in that direction. I can even accomplish quite a bit at times. However, there are some things that I simply cannot change.
The really deep, hard things...I must have help with. I must have Yahweh's help. He sent me His Son, Yeshua/Jesus, as my first line of help. Then He sent His Spirit to live within me as another help...a huge help. He also sends me the information I need and the people to walk alongside of me...to help support me.
Ultimately, though, He is the One who changes me. I must co-operate...but He does the changing. He does for me what I am unable to do for myself. He is the helper of the helpless and there are so many areas in which I am helpless.
I have been rather triggered lately. There have been some interesting things happening in my life. They include odd behaviour and wording from someone I was close to; someone's possible relocation; a dream that was revelatory and, perhaps, a "heads up"; a phone message from one family member to another; a sensing of information from inside; triggering bug bites; triggered programming and some very interesting reading online.
All in all, I am doing OK. I am watching and I am wary. I am also trusting in the One who knows all things and who is more than able to protect me and to protect my family.
I am getting bit by bugs really badly. It is to the point that I am fighting being triggered by it. All bites are allergic reactions, but mine are more than the typical small, itchy bump. I get larger red patches and instead of lasting for a few days, mine tend to last for a couple of weeks. It is really wierd, but the places that are getting are the most covered places! I am almost beginning to wonder if there is some kind of spiritual component to this.
Last night, I had a difficult time getting to sleep. I had to keep fighting off panic as I kept thinking I could feel something on me. Hubby is in the same bed. He is not getting bit. I cannot even figure out exactly when the bites are happening. I don't seem to react immediately...even though I do react severely. So, if I see more bites in the morning...was I bitten during the night? Or did it just not show up until the next day?
I am going to try to find long pants to wear to bed. I hate to always have to have the door shut and the A/C on, but the screen door does not totally seal. I am leery of putting something on my skin that says "do not use for any longer than necessary and immediately wash off with soap and water." I cannot use DEET 24/7. Plus, you cannot put it on any areas with irritations, etc. Well...that means that I cannot use it on the places where I am most getting bit! Not until the bites clear up...which they have no appearance of doing at the rate at which I am being bitten.
I am trying some natural stuff. This time I am being very diligent to keep applying it. I hope that works. I was also not showering every single day...not unless I did something that really warranted it. Now, I am going to go back to a daily routine just in case they are somehow being drawn by something on my body. But it just does not make sense. My arms are not being bit...nor my face or neck. Why are the exposed parts of my body being bit so much less than the very covered parts? The only exposed parts getting bit are the backs of my knees...of all places! I only have three or four bites in exposed areas...with a couple dozen in covered areas. Go figure!
So, this has become rather triggering. Last night, I was fighting tears and panic to get to sleep. On the way home from work, hubby is going to buy some Cutter Bugfree Yard spray if he can find it. He will have to clear some stuff out in order to spray it...but we have got to do something!
WARNING! Some of what I write might be triggering for survivors. I will try to remember to put MT on subject lines of posts that might trigger, but everyone is different. I cannot guarantee that I will get it right for you. Please read with caution!
My True Identity
What I have been through and done is NOT who I am! I am a beloved daughter of the Most High God...I am a bat-El 'Elyon!
I have not had the time to check out every single page on each site. However, what I have checked out seems to be pretty good. Always read with a discerning heart. Ask the One True God to show you what is from Him and what is not.
The Greatest Gift of All
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Abba, during this time of year we are reminded of the leaven of sin in our
lives. We all have it and we must all work to clean it out…and keep it out.
We k...
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