Deep, Abiding Sadness

There are times when I feel such a deep ache...an abiding sadness. It seems to go all through me to the depths of my being. It is in those times that I find myself wanting to cry. It is not really a feeling of despair as it is simply...sadness.

I am not totally sure where it comes from...or why it is there. I only know that it comes...a lot. Perhaps...it is from a loss of dreams? Perhaps...I had the wrong dreams to begin with? I don't know.

I find myself yearning...longing, but for what? I want to want to love Yahweh God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. Yet, I know that I don't. I find myself battling the wanting to love Him with all I am and have and wanting to only love Him partially. I need Him to change me. I feel so inadequate in both areas of loving...so far away from where I want to be...where I need to be.

Yet, if I truly trust Him for my wellbeing, then I guess I have to accept that I am right where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be right here...with my deep, abiding sadness...and with my yearning and longing...and with my inner battle.

Is this what the rest of life is meant to be for me? I don't know. I have had times of wonder and joy...and I still do...at times. I like to believe that this is temporary and that, at some point this side of heaven, I will again experience more of that. For now, though, I sit here in my sadness...wondering...seeking...reaching out to Him.