I have figured out that many people are only going to believe whatever they want to believe. The truth may or may not be relevant to them.
There are those who are genuinely interested in the truth. There are those who want only the surface truth...but nothing deep. There are those who simply don't want the truth on any level...especially if challenges them to have to change in any way.
I have a feeling that the actual number of people that are really looking for the truth...the deep truth...is smaller than I thought. I suspect that there are far more people who are just looking for whatever will make them feel good. They will believe whatever is convenient...about the world...about God...about themselves...about others...and yes, that means even about me. I hope I am wrong!
I wonder how many times I have passed up the truth, even while actively looking for it? How many times did I "miss" it, or refuse to see it because it was not convenient for me to believe? Or because it did not fit what I wanted to believe was true? Hmmm...something to think about!
The bible tells us that, in the end times, people will no longer endure sound teaching, but instead, will gather to themselves teachers who will tickle their ears. I hope and pray that I never fall into that category. May I always accept Yahweh's truth...no matter how hard it may be for me to face.
I HATE double standards! I am sure I have been guilty of using them at times myself. Is anyone immune to them? I doubt it...no matter how hard we try. I think there will always be times when we see ourselves as right and yet, when another person does the exact same thing...they are wrong! Double standard. Whether it is something we get hit with or something we hit others with...it happens.
What I hate even more is being accused of saying and believing things I did not say and believe...or doing things I did not do...simply because someone is angry at me. What is even harder is when all the things I am accused of doing, etc. are actually being done by the accuser! Double standard!
I don't like being on either end of the double standard thing. I don't like having it done to me...nor do I like doing it to others. And yet, until Yeshua comes back and makes all things right again...I am sure that I will stumble into both ends of it again. I will be hit with it myself by others...and I will hit others with it myself.
I pray that I will, at least, not do it to others...even subtly. Yet, I know how imperfect I am and what the likelihood is of my doing it on some level. I also pray that I will not get hit with it again from others. Again, though, we are all imperfect and the likelihood that I will get hit again is very high. Such is life.
I really don't know what to think. During some recent events, I had someone that I had previously trusted very deeply write some things to me that really caught my attention. There was something about the wording that "felt" almost as if this person were trying to tap into my programming on some level. I truly doubt that it was a conscious thing. Nonetheless, I kept getting that feeling.
As I looked at what was happening...the circumstances surrounding the "conversation"...there were things that just were not adding up. There were things that were not making sense. I am sure that it did not help that I got a dream later on where there was an element in the dream that seemed to relate a bit to what it felt like this person was trying to do.
I hate to think it, let alone write it, but I have to admit that I am a bit wary of that person now. It is someone I have loved for a long time...and considered to be a friend for a long time. I still love this person. That will not change. I would like to think that we are still friends, however, I would say that the nature of our relationship has changed to the degree that I am not sure that "friend" is a label that still applies. That would have to come from both sides and since there is no communication going on right now...well, that does make it kind of difficult for it to be anything.
I guess you could say that I am going through a kind of grieving right now. There are huge changes in the air and I am facing even more "losses". So, I am feeling the loss of what I thought was a friendship, as well as some possible future losses.
In reality, I really should think of it just as changes...not losses. However, it "feels" like losses. Life always brings changes...all kinds of changes...including changes in our connections with others. New ones come in...old ones move on. My connections with more than one person have changed recently...for different reasons. Some of it is just the natural course of life. Some of it is from choices...theirs or mine or both. Some of it is necessary. *sigh*
One thing never changes...Yahweh. His love is constant. His presence is constant. I cannot hide from Him...nor can anyone else hide me from Him. He is always there...loving me...even when I struggle to love myself...even when I struggle to receive love from others...even when others struggle to give love to me. He is always there.
I have been battling depression for a bit now. Continuing to battle it. I don't know how long it will last...but I will not give up. I will not give in.
Actually, the last couple of days have been better. I will choose to keep my focus on my heavenly Abba/Father. He is the One who brings healing Shalom.
Thank You, Abba, for being here with me. Thank You for faithful friends who love and accept me as I am. Thank You for being here even when others abandon me...or even attack me. I am so imperfect. Yet, You find ways to use me to encourage others. I thank You for that. I am amazed at that, too. Wow! I am nothing. You are everything...Creator of the universe and deserving of all my love and praise. Thank You for loving me so much!
One thing I know...there is a God...and I am not Him. Boy...aren't you glad about that!? I would make a very poor god with all my imperfections. By definition...God has to be perfect! I mean...hey...He would not be much of a god if He were not, right?
Well, I guess I do know more than one thing. I also know that His name is Yahweh and that He has revealed Himself to us in many ways...through His creation...through His written word...through His people...through His Son, Yeshua/Jesus.
I also know that He sent His Spirit to dwell within those who desire to be His sons and daughters...those who accept what Yeshua did to help us to regain a heart connection with Him that was lost through what Adam and Eve did in the beginning.
I know that Yeshua taught that He was the only way to our heavenly Abba/Father. The ONLY way! It is not a teaching of Christianity...which is mere religion. It is a teaching by Yeshua Himself. You cannot have a better authority on Yeshua than Yeshua...unless, of course, it is His Father. His Father did say in a voice that we humans could hear that Yeshua was His Son and that He was very pleased with Him. I sure don't think He would be pleased if Yeshua lied about His purpose. Besides, if there are other ways to the Abba/Father, then His suffering and death were a total waste...which would basically make Yeshua quite the loser! He certainly would not be someone to follow or emulate.
I know...there are those who claim the bible has been adulterated...changed. I won't deny that attempts have been made. However, too many scholars over too many years have been keeping a close eye on it. Plus, God...the author of the book...is certainly big enough to make sure that His word is preserved enough for us to have the truth. You would have to change a huge amount of it to nullify its message...a message which actually starts back in the very first book...Genesis.
When you are dealing with the old portion of the book...the Old Testament, the Old Covenant...then you are also dealing with a culture of people who were so methodical about preserving the integrity of the book that they actually threw away and destroyed any copies that were not perfectly copied. They even checked to make sure there were the same number of words on a page and the same number of letters! Making sure that the copies were preserved was a sacred responsibility that they took VERY seriously!
No, there is truth in the Bible. There is truth in Yeshua's claim to be the only way. If I am wrong, I lose nothing in the end. But if I am right...those who refuse to believe will be in a bit of a spot. We are talking about an eternal destination here. Those who accept who He is and what He has done and live by His Spirit will be with Him forever. Those who reject that...well, He tells us about that, too.
We each make the choice...to accept or reject. I have made my choice. No one sends anyone to heaven or hell. It is the result of the choice WE each make regarding the Son of God...Yeshua/Jesus. We choose.
There are times when I feel such a deep ache...an abiding sadness. It seems to go all through me to the depths of my being. It is in those times that I find myself wanting to cry. It is not really a feeling of despair as it is simply...sadness.
I am not totally sure where it comes from...or why it is there. I only know that it comes...a lot. Perhaps...it is from a loss of dreams? Perhaps...I had the wrong dreams to begin with? I don't know.
I find myself yearning...longing, but for what? I want to want to love Yahweh God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. Yet, I know that I don't. I find myself battling the wanting to love Him with all I am and have and wanting to only love Him partially. I need Him to change me. I feel so inadequate in both areas of loving...so far away from where I want to be...where I need to be.
Yet, if I truly trust Him for my wellbeing, then I guess I have to accept that I am right where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be right here...with my deep, abiding sadness...and with my yearning and longing...and with my inner battle.
Is this what the rest of life is meant to be for me? I don't know. I have had times of wonder and joy...and I still do...at times. I like to believe that this is temporary and that, at some point this side of heaven, I will again experience more of that. For now, though, I sit here in my sadness...wondering...seeking...reaching out to Him.
It can really be hard to let a friend go. But, sometimes, that is exactly what we need to do. Let them go, trusting that, maybe...someday...they will return to us.
True friends love through thick and thin. They don't let conflict destroy the friendship, even though they may need to part for a time. I continue to love and hold in my heart friends that I am separated from. I pray for them.
The separations are due to a variety of reasons. With some of them it is because of their cult connections. They are simply not safe for me to be in contact with. Yet, my heart grieves for them and longs for them. I want to call them or try to contact them. I have at least one sister-friend who I don't know for sure is cult connected, but something in my spirit keeps telling me to stay away...keeps saying that she most likely is. *sigh*
That is so like the cult...to make sure your closest friends are part of it. It keeps you connected and in contact. Yet, I love them all. I miss them. I know their struggles. I have shared some of their struggles...walked with them...arm in arm. They are my sister-friends and I miss them so much. *tears* One even triggered suicide programming. I think it was an alter that did it, not the host, but even so, I had to separate from her as I was spiraling out of control in my friendship with her.
I do have some friends I am separated from due to conflict...but I will always love them. I will hope and pray that enough healing comes for a reconciliation. But if not, that is OK. I do not consider them to be enemies. I know who the true enemy is...and it is not human.
I am known for my loyalty. Perhaps I am, at times, too loyal for my own good. I don't walk away from a true friend easily. I can leave an acquaintance and not look back even once; but a true friend...no, that is not so easily accomplished. But I let them go when they need to be let go...with a grieving, yet hopeful, heart.
I do not connect easily, but once I do...it is usually a deeper connection. I think that is one reason that phone connections are harder than online ones. It is easier to go deeper in friendships when there is an in person, or at least a voice, connection. When it is just the written word, it is easier to think in terms of black words on a white page rather than skin tones and warm hands.
Real friendships are ones where we can share the things that bother us...the things that hurt us...even when it is the other one causing it. Real friends listen and weigh things out. They seek to believe the best about one another and don't presume motive. They ask questions and listen for answers...with open hearts. I value the real friendships I have. They are iron sharpening iron...unafraid to be challenged and not wanting to be flattered. True friends will tell the truth, in love. As one person shared with me...they will put your tag back inside the back of your blouse...the same tag that everyone noticed, but did nothing about.
I find that I really need to live simply. Too many commitments...too many relationships...too much complication...contributes to my life being unmanageable.
I think of the recovery phrase: KISS
Keep
It
Simple
Silly (I prefer "simple" to "stupid".)
I need to remember that. I cannot schedule too many things in one day...or things on too many days in a row. Of course, with gas prices so high, it is not like I can go out many days anyway!
I need to know my limits and live within them. That is part of good self care. Yet, on the other hand, I also need to not run from being stretched. It is in being stretched that I can grow.
Sometimes, being stretched means being confronted by things about myself that I need to face. In facing those things, and in owning what is mine to own, I grow. Each time I can acknowledge my own weaknesses and foibles and work with them and through them, I grow.
Sometimes growth is also not allowing others to put things on me that are not mine to own. That, too, is a sign of growth.
Growth can be very hard. Yet, on some levels, it can be fun, too. As I face challenges and see how my responses to them are changing...how I am actually working through them...I can have a sense of victory in my life.
It feels good to see myself responding to things differently than I used to. Even when I am still not doing it the best, I am at least moving in the right direction. And that feels good!
Healing is a process. There are times when it is an event...but mostly it is a process. I like another phrase...progress, not perfection. I will continue to be a very imperfect person, but at least I am making progress!
I feel like I am being stretched in so many ways. Things in life change. People change. Situations change. The weather changes!
It makes me so grateful to know that there is one thing that never changes...Yahweh God. My understanding of Him may change, but even that is directed largely by His Spirit...which never changes. I just don't know what I would do if I could not count on His unchangeableness.
Some changes I really want. Like our living situation. I really WANT that to change! I am ready!! I feel so drained right now. I would really like to be able to just take some time and space to sort of shut down for a bit. But there is no way to be able to do that here. So, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and fighting to keep going.
I had a really intense dream the other night. I think it is revelatory...in the sense that I believe it is telling me something about my system. I have been praying for understanding and I think I am getting it. I am waiting for one of my t's to call me. She may have some insight on it, having worked with survivors for so long. It was a very real dream.
I am struggling to rest when I sleep. I do sleep, but I don't awaken feeling rested. It may the "bed" we sleep on. I don't know. I just hope it gets better.
I read a blog today by a friend of mine. She asked the question I have asked myself. Why keep working on healing hard things when it seems like the pain will never really go away. OK...that is MY wording. She asked it differently, but I think she meant pretty much the same thing. Why keep at it when it seems like there may never be full healing in this life?
There are days I truly don't know what to say other than there are others who need me. If I can heal even a little bit, it will be worth it for them...won't it? I sure hope so.
I did something totally out of character for me the other day. Well, actually, I did more than one out of character thing in the span of a few days.
Unread spam I can ditch with no problem. Personal emails are a different story. Even if they are from someone I am in a conflict with, this persistent optimist always hopes there's a way we can work things out.
All personal emails I read...eventually. Until the other day. That is when I realized I needed to do something different.
I thought a conflict situation was over...not healed...just over. Then I received an email from someone letting me know that she had been told something negative about me relating to the conflict situation. What she was told was true. I had blown it. So I emailed her back, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I had also been accused to trying to do certain things that I had not tried to do, so I also tried...again...to explain what my true motivations were.
She had heard more facts about the situation, so I wrote her the rest of the story. I figured...might as well get it all out in the open so it could be finally layed to rest. That is why I cc'd the person she' cc'd, plus the person who had told her more facts. Might as well finishing dealing with it all now...once and for all. I wrote that I hoped it was the last email, but that if she really felt she needed to discuss it further, I would.
My email bounced back with a notice from her ISP saying that she had blocked my address. So, the email that I had hoped would bring final closure...she never got. (I like the fact that her ISP let me know I was blocked, so that I would know why it bounced back.) I was uncertain what to do. I did not want to appear to be hounding her, yet I did believe she should have the rest of the facts.
I finally decided to just let it go. I figured that, if God wanted her to see the email, He could make it happen. Since she had blocked my email before, I figured that was the end of things. Clearly, she did not want to discuss it further and I was OK with that. I really wanted it to be over.
Then I got three more emails from this person. I see no point in reading emails from someone who has blocked my address. Her responses prior felt very negative to me and I also did not want to subject myself to more of the same. Yet...what if she did see my email and had accepted my apology? What if she truly wanted to let it go...or wanted a real dialog? I debated in my mind what to do. In the meantime, there they sat in my inbox...unread. Very out of character for me.
I finally asked my hubby, who knew of the situation in general, to read them for me and tell me what the tone of each was. His take on them was that she was still very upset with me and did not want to dialog. So, I did something very uncharacteristic of me. I did NOT read them. In fact, I even took it a step further and asked him to delete them and then empty my trash folder so that I would not be tempted to read them later.
Then I did something else uncharacteristic for me. Since she had written to me after she blocked my address, and since she was not wanting to dialog, I blocked her address. My ISP won't send her a bounceback, though.
Anyway...very uncharacteristic behavior on my part...to delete unread personal emails and to block someone's email addy. I still don't like having done it; but I guess I just have to accept that, sometimes, I need to expand my definition of self care.
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