I recently saw my ex and his wife, daughter and stepson. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I am still processing it and have already talked to my t about writing an email to him. In the email I will set a healthy boundary while still giving him the benefit of the doubt.
We had connected a little bit at the hotel...where he lied to me instead of just being real. *sigh* Then he did something to me at the end of the reception that was totally inappropriate, considering that he was an abuser. Although I doubt that he sees himself that way. He walked toward me quickly from behind someone else and before I had a possibility to react...or to refuse...he hugged me.
He gave me no options...no time to be able to react and make a decision as to whether or not I WANTED to be hugged! It was one of those things where I would have literally had to put my hands up and/or turn around quickly and go the other way, which would have been pretty difficult seeing as how I was walking in the direction he came from.
I cannot say what his motivation was. There are several possibilities that I can think of. That is one of the things I need to process and write in my journal about.
I really felt kind of sorry for him...in a way. He was not really a part of any of it. Yet, he made his bed...now he must lie in it. One of the things I thought of when I saw him was that loyalty comes with a price. So does disloyalty. I was loyal to my sons and I paid the price...then. He was disloyal to all of us and now he is paying the price. He is on the outside. Even if he ends up with wonderful relationships with his sons, he can never regain all the lost years. It really is sad.
I have always been known for my loyalty...although, perhaps I am too loyal. I don't know. I stayed with him for about 13 or so years...determined not to be a statistic. Yet, in the end, for the boys' sakes and my own, I had to separate. I always hoped that he would wake up and want to work on things, but he never did. He had made it clear for a long time that he did not want to be married to me.
Anyway, it was very interesting having all of them there. It was also very interesting having the 13 year old daughter and the stepson (who was about 23/24) observing me. I guess they were trying to reconcile all the horror stories they had heard about me at family gatherings with the happy woman they saw. The woman who was accepted and obviously cared about by her son, by his bride, both sides of the wedding party, the brides family, etc.
I had a blast at the wedding and I know that it showed. I was confident and knew that I was very loved. My son has married into a goodhearted family. I could not be more pleased with his choice of bride.
It is always hard to admit making mistakes. I know it is for me. As much as I want to think of myself as being very open...there are times when I still have to be convinced. But once I can see them...I do own them...at least as best I can. There is NO way that I am going to claim perfection in that...or in any other area!
One thing about mistakes is that I find it so easy to second guess things. I sometimes spend time wondering what I should have done or could have done. I know that many people say we should stay out of the "shoulda, coulda" thing. They call it "shoulding" on yourself. But, actually, I think some of that is healthy.
I believe that I need to look at my mistakes and try to figure out where I went awry. Where did I take that wrong turn? What could I have done differently that might have made it turn out better? I think that I need to look at what I should not have done, as well as what I should have done. In that sense, I believe I can learn from "coulda, shoulda" and do things differently next time.
I do agree that too much of it is unhealthy. It can become an obsession in trying to find answers that may never be able to be found. It can end up in beating myself up.
So many things in life turn out differently than we thought they would; and there are so many reasons for that. We may have misjudged a person...misjudged their character or how they would respond. Or we find ourselves being triggered in ways we did not expect. Or we find out that we don't know all the facts. Sometimes we are missing a very key bit of info that just totally changes things.
Sometimes, when we do get that bit of info...it is too late to change the situation. The ball is rolling and a course of action has been set in motion. I have had that happen to me...and then just not known how to stop the ball because it has rolled too far. *sigh*
There are times when I just feel really stupid. Over the years, I have had to learn to give myself a break. I grew up having to be "perfect". It was part of the training. Thankfully, I learned a long time ago to just accept imperfection. Sometimes, though, it can still rear its ugly head...that perfectionism. Then I have to watch out.
I am not perfect. In fact, I am woefully IMperfect. I have to accept that I am going to do and say things that are blow-its...and sometimes they are BIG blow-its! With that acceptance, comes the ability to show mercy to both myself and others. I have found that, when I can accept my own imperfectness, it is a whole lot easier to accept the imperfectness of others. I guess it levels the playing field a bit.
None of us is above or below another. We are all on this walk together. Hopefully, we can all travel arm in arm on this journey. As survivors we have tough issues that can make life really hard. I believe we really need to pull together and support one another. We need to learn from our mistakes and move on. I believe that we need to set healthy boundaries as best we can, while always giving grace to one another. I wish I was farther along in my ability to do this.
I recently went through a very difficult situation in which I learned some very hard lessons. In the process of learning them, I made some mistakes. Those lessons cause me to feel a need to set a firm boundary with everyone I come in contact with. Basically, it amounts to this:
Do NOT talk negatively to me about ANYone. If you have a problem with another person...take it up with THEM. Unless you are coming to me for some kind of counseling and seriously want help to work through the issues (which requires rigorous honesty and willingness to be self aware on your part)...do NOT tell me about it.
Do NOT try to get me to take sides in your squabble or dispute. Do NOT try to turn me against the other person.
This is ESPECIALLY the case if you are not willing to take responsibility for the words you share.
I do NOT want to hear gossip. If you gossip to me about another person, I will assume that are also spreading gossip about me to others.
If you do share something with me and I believe it to be serious, especially if it causes me concern for that other person's well-being...whether it be their physical well-being or their emotional and mental well-being...I WILL share it with him/her.
For those who are not sure what I mean...I will give an example. If you tell me that someone's confidentiality has been broken by one of their key support people...I DO consider that a serious issue of emotional safety for that person. As a result I WILL make sure that the person learns about what you shared so that they can protect themselves. I WILL give you the opportunity to share it with them yourself...but bear in mind...it WILL be shared...either by you or by me.
I will not play games. I will not waste my time and energy on diversionary tactics -- like responses that don't even relate to the issue brought up. I am just not going there.
I am going to do my best to make sure I do the same thing for others that I am asking them to do for me. I know that we are all human and we will all make mistakes. We DO need to show one another grace. But there are some things that do cross a line, things that are serious. Things that...once shared...just cannot be swept under the rug.
I want to go home! I just returned from a trip home from visiting family and friends and I miss them all. In some ways, I don't think I really appreciated how physically close I was to them until God moved us out here.
We are praying about what to do now. We do believe that Yahweh/God has moved us out here and we have grown in many ways. However, we are thinking that maybe our time here is done. Hubby is looking for a job back home. We have family and friends out there that need us...and we need them. I am hoping that it is time to go back home...even though it probably won't be to the same area we left. Still, it will be closer than we are here...no matter where we go. It feels as if we cannot really get much farther away than we are now.
We don't really have the resources to make this place work well...and yet, neither do we have the resources to move. But one thing I know...God is more than able to open and close all the doors necessary...according to what is best. I will continue to trust Him to lead us and guide us.
Sometimes things happen in life that just catch us by surprise. We might have an inkling of there being something there, but only an inkling. I was recently blindsided by some things. Yet, there are things that I was noticing beforehand...things that I just filed away in the back of my mind. Isn't life a lot like that? We see things and we file them away somewhere. Sometimes it is because we don't want to believe that we are seeing what we think we might be seeing. It might be perceived as being possibly unpleasant...or even scary. It might have to do with us and we don't want to see something about ourselves. It might have to do with others and, again, we don't want to see it. It could also be simply that we don't know what to make of what we see and so we wait it out looking for new/more information. There can be many reasons for filing things away instead of facing them.We can also find ourselves in a position where we feel that we must do something. We can even seek wise counsel as to whether we are right in our thinking, or not. And even with prayer and thought and wise counsel...we can be wrong in our decision. Then again...we just might be right.Opposition does not mean that we are wrong. In fact, in many instances it can be evidence that we are right! But how does one know? Opposition can come from those who do not want their covers pulled...to borrow a recovery phrase. Or it can come from those who truly are right and who are trying to show you that you are wrong. It can also come from the spiritual realm...which is where Yeshua/Jesus said that our true enemies are. So, how do we know which is which? That can be so tricky. Open communication can really help, but sometimes, not everyone wants to be open. That could be a sign...but it isn't necessarily. It can be so hard to know. That is why it is so important to show grace and mercy to one another. It is also why I keep praying for wisdom!
This is one of those days when I just want to cry. There are people I love...but I don't think they will ever know it. They will never see the tears I shed over them. They will never see how my heart breaks over their woundedness and how much I care about them.
I had a friend recently point out to me that loving someone has nothing to do with agreeing with them. Loving someone does not mean that you do not say hard things to them. That friend was so right.
Oh, how I have wrestled with not wanting to say hard things to those I love...and yet, sometimes I simply must. I simply have no choice. And saying those hard things does not mean that I do not love them. In fact, sometimes I say the hard things because I love them!
I wish that I was perfect...that I could do and say everything perfectly! I wish that all my interactions could be done well...with just the right words. And how I fail so miserably! I am feeling that failure now. And I want to cry.
It almost seems as if I don't know how to convey my heart anymore. Although, if I listen to one person...I get the idea that I have not been conveying my heart very well for a while. I don't want to hurt anyone. I certainly never set out to hurt anyone. But, I do hurt others. In my own woundedness...in my own humanness, yes, I can hurt others. But it is NEVER my intention to do so.
I am faced with trying to think my way through whether or not I should just shut up entirely. But, somehow, keeping my relationships on a superficial level is just not for me. If I am going to do that...why have them at all? I want deep friendships! Friends who will say hard things and hear hard things. It does go both ways.
But, above all, I want friends who love. Sometimes love is really hard to hear...difficult to convey...especially in the written word. I wish I was better at it. The messages I have been getting lately cause me to wonder. They are mixed. Some really get the love I have for them. Others are saying the opposite. So, I wonder, what is truth? Maybe both are! Maybe it has to do with how others "hear" me. Or it has to do with different personality mixes. I don't know.
I just know that this is one of those days when I want to cry.
Today is a day of trying to recoup. I was handed something that ended up becoming very triggering. So, I am, with the help of some friends, trying to figure what all got triggered. It has been an interesting time. It was actually yesterday evening that I realized how hit I was. What started coming up was amazing. So many old messages. Shut up messages. Don't talk messages. And oh, so many others. Wow!
But like anything else in life...all things work out eventually. I will work through this just I do everything else. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. *smile* Life IS doable, after all! It is really nice when you have real friends who are not afraid of the triggers who are there to try and help you to sort it out. I don't know what I would do without them. Well, yes I would. I would still continue to trust that Yahweh will provide for me. I am grateful for His provision of friends!
I feel very broken and very unlovable. *tears*
I feel very stupid...very naive...very dumb.
I feel like a big blow it...and undeserving of any good thing.
Yet, I will cling to the fact that my Abba loves me...anyway.
He sees my heart...and loves me anyway.
I am His daughter, no matter how imperfect I am.
We are all broken in some way. Sometimes I am keenly aware of my brokenness and other times I am able to kind of push it away and focus on other things. It is not that I pretend I am not broken...I just don't dwell on it and beat myself up over it.
Then something happens that slams it in my face again. I get reminded of how broken I really am. And of how easily my brokenness can effect others. I have to be careful not to start beating myself up over it.
Conflict is one of those things. I HATE conflict. I especially hate confrontation. I do everything I can to avoid them until I feel I have no choice. I don't have a lot of experience with confrontation and conflict resolution, but I have done it. Sometimes it turns out really well, with both sides gaining a greater understanding and appreciation for each other. Sometimes it does not turn out so well.
Besides a lack of experience, it seems as if each time it is different anyway. You have different personalities involved, each with their own histories coming into play. When both sides are coming from a place of deep woundedness on top of the wounding within the current conflict...well, that just makes things all the more difficult. Or, it can anyway. It does not have to. I guess a lot of it depends on how willing...and on how able...all sides are to tough it out and work through things.
Sometimes one, or more (or even both/all), of the persons involved is coming from a place of such deep woundedness that they just cannot handle it. Or they are coming from a place of healing and strength and simply choosing to walk away. They withdraw...for their own sake. Hopefully, at some point, they can reach a point of being able to revisit it. But that may not happen. It may just become one of those never resolved things in life...a loose end.
It think it takes a lot of bravery for a broken person to enter into an arena where conflict might take place. I also think that it is smart for all involved to know when they need to take a break...or even to walk away for good. That is not always easy to determine...or easy to accept.
I find it ironic that I was recently told that two people had blocked my email address because of my refusal to let something drop. The reason I say it is ironic is because I had no idea that the one person had blocked it. Why did I not know? Because I had dropped the conversation and never emailed her again! I got no notice of blocking!
As for the other one...I did know, but it happened after only a few emails. I do recognize that I blew it big time in that conversation. My own humanness and brokenness comes in a lot with that. I really needed to keep two issues separate...and I failed horribly. I got them mixed together. When she started to withdraw, I pushed, which was another big mistake...again...due to the mixing of two issues. And, of course, mixing them also gave the wrong impression as to my motives. *sigh*
Oh, well. One can only do the best they can and then learn from their mistakes. The sad thing is, whenever one closes a door, it makes it kind of difficult to work things out. Well, actually, without communication, it makes it impossible.
Anyway, those are my thoughts at the moment on brokenness and conflict.
I am also working through a situation right now for which I have sought the advice of more than one pastor. What they told me, in unison, has caused me to now ask a lawyer/judge for his thoughts on it. Oy vey! That is one thing about seeking counsel. Sometimes you are told more than you really wanted to know. But once you know...what do you do? You cannot just ignore it...especially if it has legal ramifications on top of the moral ramifications. There is nothing like being between a rock and a hard place!
This is typically a difficult day for me. There are several reasons. I know it is difficult for many others, too. My mother's birthday is close to this day and on some years, even falls upon this day. I love my mother. I wish we could be close...but that is just not possible. She is not emotionally safe for me. Neither is my father. And they may not be physically safe, either. I don't really know. But now that I know what I know...I may be considered a threat to them...at least in their eyes. I wish them no harm. I just want to live in peace with others so much as it is in my power to do so.
In fact, my desire to live in peace is causing me to think about making some changes in my life. I have been sensing that Yahweh has been calling me to do this and I have been dragging my feet. Oh, there is always something that comes up that seems like a good reason to wait. But now I am seeing the folly of waiting. If I am supposed to change something...it is best to do it right away. Otherwise...there just might be some consequences as Yahweh allows some things to happen to nudge me in the direction He wants me to go.
I love true friendships.
You know the kind...where iron can sharpen iron.
The kind where love, however imperfect, is the foundation.
The kind of friendships where the dialog can be open...can even be hard...yet you can remain secure in the love of the other person.
The kind where you know they won't shut you down or close you off.
The kind where there is a freedom to express differences of thought and opinion and there is acceptance anyway.
The kind where it is OK to not always like...or agree with...what the other one is saying.
The kind where there is a willingness to hear hard things...and forgiveness offered when one gets hurt. I say "when" because it is guaranteed...if the friendship is real...there will eventually be some hurts.
I guess that...maybe...the true test of a friendship is what happens when hard things ARE said. Will it survive? Or will it die? True friends work through things, no matter how it is. Isn't that what true love does? Someone who truly loves you sticks by you, even when they don't happen to "like" you for a while. *smile*
I like true friendships.
I like "real" friendships.
The ones where I don't have to pretend to be anything other than what I am.
The kind where I am not expected to be anything other than what I am.
The kind that will love me where I am, yet challenge me to grow.
The kind where I can be real without fear of reprisal.
The kind where I can trust the other person when they call me on my "stuff".
I have worked through many hard things with the help of true friends. I have also been not nearly as good of a friend as I wish I could have been. I have made MANY mistakes...and I am grateful for the friends who stuck by me anyway...who loved me anyway...and who chose to be there for me as I floundered and tried to find my way.
I am so imperfect. VERY imperfect. If true friendships were based upon perfection...I would have ZERO friends...NONE! Thankfully, true friendships, real friendships, are based on love...not perfection.
I have been called a "truth teller" by one of my t's. I tenaciously seek truth. I want to live my life by truth. I want truth in the little things, not just in the big things. I hate hearing a story about a plane that went down in Brazil and then hearing the same story...only the plane went down in Paraquay (if it is a true story). Yes, that can make me a pain in the arse and I have learned to let go of a lot of that...so as to not be annoying. *smile*
When I examine myself, I try to see everything I can see for I know that I can be deceived and I can deceive myself. My processing, when I journal, is one of boldly going from one thought to the next and seeing where it will take me. I make connections between things and uncover things and discover things. Others who have read my processing have said that they love watching the progression of thought. They understand what I am doing.
I AM stickler for details. But you know what? If I don't take care to value the truth in ALL situations, regardless of how important they are, how can I be trusted to value it at all? I think of Yeshua saying "He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much. He who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much." I know He was talking about money there, but I truly believe that applies to all of life. Would I want to entrust my money to one who had a tendency to not be 100% truthful? Of course not! I know I don't always get it right, but I do take pains to try and make sure, to the best of my ability, that I get every detail as correctly as I can.
I have a dear friend who has insisted that it is OK to exaggerate to make a point. He is finally getting it that exaggeration is just another form of lying. Either the statement is true as it is spoken...or it is not. If it is not...it is a lie. Real truth does not NEED exaggeration! It stands on its own merit.
It annoys me when I hear people twist things and slant things so that it ends up sounding like something it is not. Ironically, I have been accused of doing that very thing! But the ones who are closest to me...the ones who see what my accusers do not...the ones who live with me and work with me...they don't see me doing that. Yes, they do see my imperfectness...of which there is much. Yes, they do see me misunderstand things at times. Yet, they also see me persist in seeking it out until I DO understand. I will wrestle with things...even hard things...until I can get to what is truth. Even so, I will bring the statements made against me to them. Perhaps, I am missing something. It is easy to be blind to our own stuff...so easy. *sigh*
I was told by one of my pastors yesterday morning that he was impressed with how I don't just hit reply and kick off a "regrettable response". I chew on it. I think on it. I pray on it. When necessary, I seek counsel on it. I don't just assume that I know best and then run with that. I dig it out.
Being a truth teller can be very hard. I did not ask to be this way. Yet, I would rather be known for this than to be known for being unreliable in what I say. Yahweh has had to give me courage to speak up, even when I am trembling with fear. So many times, after I have asked questions in a group, or pointed out things, others in the group said they were SO grateful that I did. They actually came out and said "thank you"! They shared how they were wondering the same thing...or thought the same thing, but were too timid or afraid to ask it or say it. This has happened many times.
I take the chances. I take the risk of getting hit for pointing out things that others might not want pointed out. I do this because it is the right thing to do.
Ah...the right thing to do...that could be the subject of another post...as I am wrestling right now with that very issue. But even the "right thing to do" ends up being decided upon a foundation of truth. We cannot decide the right thing if we do not work from a position of truth.
Sometimes it can be really hard to work through some things. It is like, no matter which way we turn, no matter how we look at it, it is going to be hard. There is going to be pain.
I had a flashback last night...totally unexpected...at least the timing of it was. The nature of the flashback was actually pretty predictable...given my family history. But no one likes to remember things that make them feel badly...or that might put them in a bad light. But that is the nature of the cult.
I am struggling a bit to allow the memories to flow freely. That is always a challenge. I know that I could not face the hidden memories without Yahweh's help. Nope...just could not do it.
This coming weekend is Mother's Day. I don't like Mother's Day. It is a painful day for many and, for others, it is a cop out. It is very commercialized. Ick!
For many, it is painful as they remember lost children, or children they never were able to have. Or as they remember painful childhoods. For some, their mothers were abusive. For some, their mothers died when they were very young. For others, they feel guilty because they know they were not the kind of mother they could have been...or should have been. Some are estranged from their children...through no fault of their own...and this is just a very painful reminder. And for some, it is the only time of year that they are really acknowledged...and this day just rubs in the hurt of that as they wonder how sincere their children are really being.
Some people use it as a cop out. They figure that they are doing OK so long as they at least remember to do something nice for Mom one day a year. If a mother is truly a good mother, she deserves more than one day a year. We should all be expressing our gratitude to good mothers a whole lot more often than one day a year. Don't do something on one day because it is expected. Surprise her! And, if a mother is a horrible mother, then why should anyone feel pressured to do something nice for her?
*sigh* I don't know. I just know that I don't like this time of year. I don't like Mother's Day and I don't like Father's Day...same reasons.
Don't get me wrong. There are many unsung heroes out there known as mothers and fathers. They do deserve to be honored and acknowledged and treated special...but it should be all year...not just on one day. And for those of us who are unable to have a real and loving relationship with our mothers (and fathers), well, we should not feel pressured to do something nice for them just because it is "Mother's Day" or "Father's Day".
I still think about my sister off and on.
I am now to the point of finally being able to look at what our relationship might have been like had we not been in an abusive cult family. What would she have been like? What would I have been like? Would we have enjoyed the close sister companionship that I see others enjoying?
It is not a matter of living in the world of "what if". I think it is valid to think about how things could have been different and to hope for something better to come. Of course, that something better with her will not happen in this world. I have to wait for the world to come.
So, while I am still here...maybe it would not hurt to imagine what our relationship will be like in heaven. Will we giggle together? Will we "ooh" and "ahhh" over the beauty we see around us? Will we show one another butterflies and other beautiful creatures that we see? Will she run up to me all excited because she has found something she wants to show me? Will I wrap my arms around her and give her a warm and loving embrace? So unlike... *tears*
I'm sorry, sis. I wish I had been a better big sister. I wish I had been given the opportunity to be a better big sister. I wish we had been raised in a different family and environment. I wish...
But wishes mean nothing. They are just old dreams that fall to the ground like dead leaves in the Autumn. They are nothing...only meant to be trampled into the ground where they will rot away into nothing. Yet, even in the rottenness, they fertilize and feed a new generation...one that will have nothing to do with the dreams that could not be. They will be encouraged...and spurred onward toward living their dreams...real dreams...dreams that are possible because they are not "cult".
Those are my rambling thoughts today.
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