Dear Sis

Dear Sis,

It was 7 years ago today that, while I was regaining our true family history, while some of the walls of amnesia were being torn down within me, that you lost your earthly life. I wish we could have had the opportunity to build a better relationship...one not filled with fear and suspicion and parental and group interference.

When I first started trying to reach out to you, you were like a stranger to me. I felt no connection to you whatsoever...and that really bothered me. You are my sister. I should feel SOME kind of connection with you. Yet, I did not. And as I looked back into my very spotty growing up memories, I was stunned to suddenly realize that I could not remember living in the same house with you while growing up. Look as I might, all I could get was a couple of memories...just really quick flashes...the one barely discernible and the other only a minute of two at best.

Yet, you were my sister. Even though life was a struggle for me and even though I was very shy, I just could not let this continue. I really felt an obligation, even if only because I was your sister, to reach out to you. So, it started. I did not understand, then, why you were so suspicious of me. Now I am pretty sure I know why.

Over the years we got to meet at different times and I kept trying to bring all of us as a family together. I did not "know" then what I know now. I did not remember the truth of our family history. I know now that we were both being accessed; but then, I was clueless. I am sorry for pushing you so hard on that.

Oh, Sis, I know you were trying to break free when you ran away. Did you realize what you were running TO? I doubt it. Did you ever regain YOUR memories? Did you ever figure out that your boyfriend and his family were the same as our family? Did you ever remember the rituals and the incest? I hope you never did, hon. I hope you never did.

I remember you telling me that you started to drink at 12, before your boyfriend ever came into the picture. That is significant because Mom would always blame your boyfriend and his family for your running away...as if you needed any outside excuse. I wanted to run away so badly so many times...but just could not. I wish you could have run to a truly safe place. But then, they would never have allowed that, would they?

You must have known something on some level because I remember when you asked me to take you to a counseling appointment one day you did not want me to tell them. You were adamant about it...almost to the point of making me swear I would not tell them. I did not understand it then. Now...I get it.

There were things about that family, especially about your boyfriend, that I tried to get you to see, but you just would not see. It makes sense. For you to see could have put you in danger. I don't know how you survived as long as you did.

You fought bulimia and alcoholism for years. Drinking since 12. Bulimia since sometime before you were 17. You were living on borrowed time, my precious sis. I remember how it broke my heart to hear about your living on the streets at times due to the alchohol...of the ways that you got hurt out there. I was touched and honored that you shared with me how you had miscarried a baby in the restroom of the pizza parlor where we were meeting. *tears*

I write this to you with so much love in my heart. It was a love that I had to work for. I had to find it because they had worked so hard to keep it from happening, both when we were young and again as adults. Grrrrrr! I am angry, sis...for you...for me...for us...and all they stole from us. It was not fair! It was not right!

I keep writing here to you. Then I take a break. Then I come back and write more. And so it goes...back and forth...as I reflect on what I wish I could say to you. I am so sorry, sis. I wish I had understood more back then. But I also have to realize the understanding probably would have put us both in danger. *sigh*

You had two groups vying for control over you. Me...I was just an alliance between two groups...who also vied for control in their own way. We were both pawns...used and abused. Did you ever figure that out, sis? Did the memories ever start to leak over? Or maybe it was because of memories that you started to drink in the first place? Or that made it so hard for you to get and stay sober? I don't know. You never told me. I never got a chance to talk to you about what I remembered because you lost your earthly life while I was remembering.

I remember how hard you fought for sobriety. You just kept going back after every time you went out. You would not give up! I really admired that about you, sis. Did you know that? Did I ever tell you? I really hope that I did.

I was given two different stories about what led to you being taken to the hospital with what supposedly turned out to be a toxic mix of alcohol and meds. Was my mother told the same story...and then she lied to me? Or was she lied to by your boyfriend's mother. I don't know. Neither story makes much sense to me.

You know, sis, the way his mother told it, you suicided. Oh, she did not use the word, but she pretty much spelled it out. Thing is...if you did, it is also clear from her words that you were set up for it. Her own words condemn that family!

Regardless of which story is true...and it may be neither...what they describe makes me believe that you were set up to die, whether you did it alone or with help. You were expendable, sis...to them. But you weren't to me! *tears* They could not just let you go and get some real help.

I remember how you fought with the recovery people to get you some real counseling. You had to convince them that you needed it. That makes no sense to me. I know they were paying for an expensive rehab. Counseling should have been part of it. You should not have had to fight for any of it. But then, it was all about control, wasn't it, sis? You know what I mean. They had to find ways to control us. They certainly could not have us talking now, could they? Maybe that is why our mother and father were going after my son? So they would have something to hold over me to keep me quiet? I know they wanted me out of the way. But it did not work! Was the group trying to eliminate both of us at the same time? Did they get to you because they could not get to me? Were they afraid that I might help you in some way? That we might confirm things to each other? So many questions.

But you, sis, what were you thinking in those last days and hours? What were you feeling? I know you were in a lot of heart pain. I know you kept thinking you were all bad and they were all good. Were you beginning to see the truth? Did you become dangerous? Or were you maybe getting close to becoming free? To breaking loose? Of course, they could never allow that! I wish you had felt the freedom to call me.

I had put up boundaries with you because it broke my heart to talk to you. I regret that now. Did you feel abandoned by me in the end? Oh, God, I hope not! I hope that you know how much I love you. As I recall, his mother did say something about you knowing I loved you. She did hold that out to me...that you looked up to me and that you saved everything I sent to you. Although, when I asked for it back, I got very little.

So many lies. I don't know what to believe. I even talked to the coroner, but I was afraid to push things because I was only just then finding out the truth and I was afraid they might find out that I knew. But, sis, even the coroner's report did not make sense to me...not given what I knew about your bulimia, your injuries, your drinking. Why would they ignore those things in the autopsy report?

Sis, I pray that you are happy now. I like to think of you as being in our Abba's arms, being held and rocked and loved on like you always deserved to be. I like to think of you in a beautiful place with a new body and a peaceful spirit...your heart and mind finally at rest. I cling to the fact that you knew Jesus as a child. Somewhere, sis, I have the letters you wrote to me...letters where you talk about Him and about me trusting Him.

His mom said that you never grew up. You watched cartoons every Saturday morning until the end. I believe that little child was still inside of you...still believing in Jesus...until the end, even though the adult you had walked away from that.

I love you, sis. I miss you, sis. Save a place for me, OK? For where you are, I will someday be, too. If there is any way for me to send you hug, via Jesus, or one of His angels, I send it.

Fly, Tweety, fly!

Fly forever free!

Free from the cage they tried to keep you in!

Love,
Sis

Therapist Struggles

I saw my therapist yesterday. He has tried hard to feel comfortable with my insiders talking to him. But he struggles with it. He also struggles to believe the SRA...and for understandable reasons. Some of it is that he hates the thought that it could have happened to someone he knows and loves or even just someone he cares about on some level. I can appreciate that. It is not easy for me to believe it about myself, either. Plus, he is a farm boy who has just never heard of, or been exposed to, this kind of stuff. It is hard to learn about such evil in the world.

The upshot is that he is going to call my CA therapist and talk to her. He is going to ask her if she struggled with that in the beginning, too, and find out what helped her. Then he is going to tell her to call me. I just don't know if I can go in and squelch the switching. I don't know if I want to even try. Actually, I am not sure how I feel about any of it right now.

I know that he really does care. I know that he wants to be supportive. But I find myself running with the old messages of "I need to change". And "there is something wrong with me." Instead of running with "we need to work this out." And "we CAN work this out". And "if he cannot accept me, that is HIS issue...not mine." I really need to take out old messages and replace them with new ones.

I also need to remember that I have a spiritual enemy who just loves to whisper those old messages into my ear. Gosh, I had come so far in my healing journey. But now I find myself going over old ground again after getting slammed so hard by bad therapists. I am fighting to recoup from all that has gone on. *sigh*

But recoup I will! And am!

Therapists

My therapist and I are trying to see if we can still work together. He is very open and very caring. So much, for me, depends on whether or not he can get over his discomfort with the dissociation. If he cannot, then I have to decide if I can work with that. There are not really any other t's available to me. Yet, I am not sure I really am ready to go without one altogether.

It is late and I am tired. I am off to bed.

Feelings?

I am not sure how to express how I feel right now. In fact, maybe what I am most not sure of is how I feel. Then again, maybe how/what I feel is unimportant. Whatever it is will pass. All things pass. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, being faithful, as best I can, to do what is in front of me to do.

And it does not matter if anyone else understands what I do, or why I do it. I need to guard my heart and mind in Yeshua/Jesus. I need to keep placing my life in His hands and not taking it back.

Getting Healthy and Obsessions

I am taking steps to getting healthier and am feeling confident about that. I am being more active and paying attention to what I eat. I tend to eat very poorly. Oftentimes, I won't even eat my first meal until late morning or into the afternoon. That is not good. Oftentimes, I don't eat enough. OK...let's get honest here...typically I do not eat enough. And I tend to eat the wrong things. But there are also days I know I eat too much.

Lately, I kind of got a scare as I found myself eating a meal rather compulsively. I definitely overate. That is always a red flag for me. It is so easy for me to slip into ED behaviors if I am not careful. That is one thing that makes it difficult for me to do the things I need to do to get into shape. I do not want to start obsessing about food...or about my own forms of purging...which involve calorie counting, extreme exercise and/or fasting.

I used to be an extreme compulsive eater. I binged like crazy. But I never got fat and always wondered about that. My weight did fluctuate and there were short periods of being a bit overweight...but not that much. It just did not make sense to me. I was very obsessed with food and knew I had to do something about the bingeing. I knew it was not healthy and I was totally out of control. I hated myself for what I was doing with my compulsive eating. I finally got to the point of being able to accept that I was just totally powerless over it and cried out to God for help. He gave me ideas on how to stop the bingeing...and I did it. I conquered it...with His help! Another miracle in all of this was that I was smoking pot at the time. I even learned how to conquer the "munchies". I also learned how to turn off the hunger...something I still struggle with to some extent.

Although I was not fat by any stretch of the definition, I was a bit overweight and wanted to lose some. So, as I dealt with the bingeing, I added calorie counting, Herbalife and aerobics to loose the bit of extra weight I had. I was between 130 and 135 at the time...if I remember correctly. I think my original goal was to get down to 120 - 125, which I did. I thought...hey, why stop?

My overweight mother was telling me I was too thin. I do actually have a picture from that time period. I am not sure how much I weighed...but I was definitely thinner. My then hubby just said that my mother was jealous. He liked thin and encouraged me to keep going. Since I was not doing it for him, I did not really care what he wanted.

I was kind of curious, though, about how far I could go. I was still sugar bingeing, but I always countered it with eating less of something else or working it off through aerobics. I watched the calories I ate and the calories I burned. I made it down to 115...then 110. That was still in the range given at that time for my height. I kept going. I made it down to 104. At 104, something happened. I did not think I looked bad at all. In fact, I liked how I looked, but I knew that in all the charts I had seen...that was about the bottom of the weight range given for my height at that time. I was beginning to realize that FELT better more around 115. Plus, I did know about anorexia and the long term damage. I wanted to avoid that.

Everyone fluctuates in their weight between 3 - 5 pounds, so I decided I wanted to go between 110 and 115. If I remember correctly (this was only about 23 years ago) I ended up fluctuating between 120 and 125 for quite a while. I felt really good about how I had conquered my overall bingeing through the diet and exercise.

I was kind of in denial, I think, about the fasting. It was not really something I consciously tried to do, other than trying to eat later in the day or work out and drink water instead of eating. I did not think of fasting as a calorie intake balancer. I saw it more of simply being when I ate. I felt good/healthy in my body and good about myself at that time...other than the sugar bingeing that I continued to do.

Then I saw an interview with a doctor about bulimia. When he talked about other forms of purging beyond the typical well known ones...I listened. When he mentioned calorie counting, extreme exercise and fasting...well, the light bulb went off. I began to look more at my patterns and the answer to why I had never gained a lot of weight became clear. It was the fasting.

So, it all came together at pretty much the same time. The crying out for help with the bingeing...the calorie counting...the extreme exercise. But the fasting I had been doing all along. I just never really saw it. I would wait as long as I could to eat...whether I was bingeing or not. It was a habit...a long time entrenched pattern. I still tend to avoid eating.

I eventually dealt with the sugar bingeing, too, through a recovery program. The realization that bulimia could take the form of what I was doing...and where it could lead if I did not watch out...was a very sobering thought. I had enough presence of mind to see that...something I believe was strictly a gift from God.

Ever since then, whenever I have thought about working out or watching what I eat, I have felt the spectre of obsession rearing its head in the background. It has helped to keep me from doing what I do really need to do.

So, now I am working on paying attention again to what I eat, when I eat it, how active I am, etc. and praying that it will not become an obsession. I really need to get into shape, especially now that I am perimenopausal. I know I do not need to eat as much as I did before. I can actually feel it in my body. I also need to drink more water, so I am paying attention to that. That is another thing that I am horrible about, even though I know that not drinking enough can cause all kinds of things from headaches to actually feeling sick. I have gone back to fitday.com to help me keep track of it. Although not a perfect site...it is pretty good...and it is free...within my budget!

I am confident in the positive changes I am making for. It is very important that I keep an eye on this and not let it turn into the obsession that I can feel lurking close by. These positive changes don't change the fact that I still have to deal with the aftereffects of having survived really bad things. However, I do believe that anything I can do for myself like this will help me to deal with those aftereffects better.

I am also taking SamE again. I find that can really help, too. People can say all they want about how we feel not ever being a chemical imbalance, but I know that what I eat makes a difference. That is "chemical"! When I take SamE when I am struggling with depression...it helps. In fact, I feel it helps a lot more than the antidepressant I used to be on. Plus, I can take it as needed instead of constantly pumping drugs into my body.

So, there you have it. I am working on eating the right foods in the right amounts at the right times, being more active, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, etc. I feel really good about doing this and will keep a watchful eye out to make sure it does not become an obession. I already know that I can get down to at least 104. That is not my goal. I think I have a realistic goal...at this point. Whether or not I will keep going once I reach that goal remains to be seen. When I really focused on doing this before...my goals kept changing as I reached each one. We will see what happens.

Darkness to Sunshine to Darkness

Yep, the sun is shining outside. It is a beautiful day dawning.

Yet, I can feel the darkness closing in again..inside. The pain is back. Oh, well. I wish the sunshine had lasted longer, but at least I did get some much needed warmth and light! Yep...that is me...always trying to see the positive side of things.

Most of the time it feels as if I am living in shades of gray...like the twilight times of day...with periods of darkness...like the night. Oh, the sun does peak out for moments at a time. It is not that I never experience times of joy and light. It is just that those times are sporadic and short lived.

The twilight always comes back and with it...the darkness eventually comes in like a flash flood. There is rarely a warning...it just hits with sudden force...knocking me flat. It is in those times of intense emotional pain that it feels the darkest. It is in those times that the struggle is the greatest. It is in those times that I am even more grateful for Yeshua/Jesus. I can honestly say that, if it were not for Him in my life...if it were not for Him holding me close to His heart...I would not be able to live this life. It is only through His Spirit that I can get through this. I am so thankful to be a daughter of Yahweh...so thankful that I belong to Yeshua.

Life is hard. I am not going to pretend it is not. That is not what being a follower of Yeshua is about. In fact, He told us that we would have trials and tribulations, especially if we are His followers. I have seen that in my own life. Yet, I love Him and, with His strength, I will never give that love up.

Ramblings About Memories, Light and Darkness

It is hard to explain how I feel. It is almost as if my head has been under water and I have been strugging for air...emotionally. I feel as if my head has suddenly popped above the water and I can, again, breathe deeply. It is as if I am experiencing a respite of sorts.

Oh, how I long for this to stay and not go away. But somewhere around me, I can feel something lurking in the shadows, or looking over my shoulder. I can sense it trying to wrap itself around my heart again...almost as if it were a physical thing. What is it? "It" is the way I have been feeling and living for about the last 8 years.

That is when things really started to hit for me...about 8 years ago. My life was turned upside down and it has been an adventure ever since. Some of that adventure has felt rather dark as I have had to come to terms with a history that was suddenly making itself known. Hidden secrets coming to the surface. Gaps in history slowing being filled in as the pieces are revealed...one by one..like a puzzle without a picture to follow, leaving few clues as to what the whole thing will look like.

It has been a struggle, but a worthwhile one. Sometimes I get a few moments of "sunshine" in the "darkness". That is what I am feeling now. Yet, I can feel the darkness still there. It feels as if it is just waiting...biding its time...until it starts to sweep back in.

I want to try and put up a wall to keep it at bay...but I cannot. A large part of that darkness is simply my life story...more details yet to be revealed. I can no more wall out my own history than I can wall out the world.

I guess there is more than one way to look at it. I see my history as darkness flowing over me. Yet, as more of my history is revealed...well, that is actually the light piercing the dark shadowy realms of buried memories. It is taking what is currently in the dark and bringing them into the light.

This whole process of revelation feels dark...with the flashbacks and memories trying to come to the surface. Emotionally, it feels as if I am being sucked into a pit. Yet, the more light that shines in that pit...the more whole I can feel...the more I can know who I really am...the more I can see the woman Yahweh/God created me to be.

On the one hand, I have the experience of the memories revealing themselves in a non-emotional way. On the other hand...more recently, it is the emotional side of those memories that are coming out. What was mostly pictures in my head in between periods of disconnected deep emotional pain is now becoming pictures with emotional pain. The emotions...the body memories...the pictures...they are all slowly coming together to make a "whole". A whole what? I don't know...yet.

The ongoing effects of the abuse are also part of that shadowy place...that darkness. I know that healing can come. I also know that some of those effects are from the physical results of the abuse. Physical? Emotional? Spiritual? They are all intertwined. Each part of me effects, and is effected by, every other part. None are disconnected from each other.

So, here I sit, having enjoyed a wonderful most of my day...breathing deeply. Tomorrow will bring...? I don't know. I hope it will bring more sunshine inside.

The sleep time is coming. Will I even be able to go to sleep without some kind of flashback...no matter how mild...taking place? **shrug**

I just keep praying that the light times will become more frequent again...and last longer...like they used to. I want to stay in the lighter realm. But can I heal there? Must I walk through the darkness to heal? It sure seems like it. But I pray it is not so.

Walking in the darkness can sometimes be so scary. I really do not think I could do if it were not for Yeshua/Jesus walking through it with me. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. This is especially true for me when death programming has been triggered. Yet...He is always there...leading me, protecting me, guiding me. His Holy Spirit lives within me and helps me. Otherwise, I would not make it. I simply would not.

Feeling Good and Positive Changes

I feel good today...better than I have in a long time. The day did not start off that way when I woke up. I was overtired for starts. It is so difficult to go to bed when I know that is the time when the flashbacks are most likely to happen. I so miss being able to stay up and just snuggle into the couch or into a big chair. I really like the old wingback chairs.

Right now I feel very confident that I am seeing positive changes within...that I am moving forward and realizing some things...again...that will help me to change some outward habits in my life. I am also tying up some loose ends...dealing with some unresolved issues. Yay!

I think the sunshine is helping, too. I like the sunshine and the warmer weather, especially after the long cold of winter. Deep breath! Ahhhhh...the fresh air of springtime!

More Thoughts on Herschel Walker and DID

OK. I have been doing a lot of article reading and video interview watching since this was first brought to my attention. Naturally, I had to first work through what was being triggered by my own reaction to seeing and hearing Mungaze. So, I have taken some time to really look at this and think things through. Setting my own feelings about Jerry aside...these are my thoughts on this.

I wonder...where is the severe trauma that I have always read/heard is needed for DID to develop? I do realize that it could be unremembered, but Herschel has insisted that there was no sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc.

So being fat and having a speech impediment and being teased can cause DID? Hmmmm. I am not saying he does not have it. His wife certainly describes things that sound right on the money. Yet, I am concerned.

Something just does not feel right to me. The lack of severe trauma causes me to wonder if there is not, at least on some level, a publicity thing going on here. This brings Herschel's name back into the limelight. Remember, this man thrives on drivenness and accomplishing things...different things...new things. That is what I pick up on from reading so many articles about this. Is this book just another part of that? Is it part of a need to be recognized? Or to be pushing himself into a another new thing...both the new thing of writing a book and the new thing of being in the middle of a controversy? I don't know. I just know my gut does not feel real good about this whole thing.

I am very concerned about the seeming connection being made between having DID, being teased for being fat with a speech impediment and having a "murderous" alter. Multiples have been a laughing stock for a long time now and I am afraid this just might fuel the fire rather than serve quench it.

There are always those who will jump on the bandwagon. I can just see it now...people who are teased suddenly start having DID and DID becomes the catchword for people with anger issues, just as most every person who has difficult sitting still suddenly has ADD, which hurts the ones who really DO have it.

Will DID became a catch all, causing the naysayers to point their fingers and say "See! We told you so! All it takes is a well known person to come out with having any kind of condition and suddenly the number of diagnoses being made skyrockets! Just like after the release of "Sybil" and "Three Faces of Eve"!"

I know...there are some key indicators of having alters, but a true diagnosis can be tricky to come by, especially for those who are very co-conscious/present. But there ARE also the theatrical ones who will be very suggestible and who can appear to have DID. High dissociators, even if they do not have DID, ARE very suggestible. And there ARE some therapists who, if a diagnosis is made socially "acceptable" will push for that diagnosis...sad to say. The good ones won't...but then, it is never the good ones that cause me concern. It is always the bad ones.

Aren't we all already fighting an uphill battle for acceptance and to be believed, especially in regards to our having experienced the trauma we experienced...in addition to struggling with whether or not to share that we have DID? With this being made public, I would be even more hesitant to share that I have DID for fear someone might think I might have a murderous alter that I don't know about. Or that they would be hesitant to take me seriously after hearing that you can get it for simply being teased while growing up.

I know...it could be a good conversation starter for what DID is REALLY all about. Hubby and I have talked about that. But I am just concerned about the picture of DID that this is painting. If Herschel Walker really does have DID, he is only one example of how it can work. From what I have read, he fits in the minority profile of how it manifests.

So, THAT is what I am afraid will happen. Maybe it won't. I sure HOPE it won't! I hope this will only serve to open people's minds to reality...but somehow...something in my gut tells me this may end up hurting things...not helping.

My personal thought on this book? I think it was foolish to publish it without first uncovering what trauma he experienced that was so severe as to cause DID. In fact, I think it may actually be bordering on totally irresponsible. I am saddened that Jerry would encourage this. I am truly fearful that we are going to see more negative backlash coming from this than positive forward motion.

I sincerely hope that I am WRONG!!!!

Just my thoughts. I may be waaaaaaaaayyyy out in left field on this one...or even out of the ball park completely.

Herschel Walker, Jerry Mungadze and DID

I have been reading and watching the story about Herschel Walker and his new book about his battle with DID. I am also looking at the comments made by Jerry Mungadze and by Herschel's ex-wife. It is going to be interesting to see how this pan outs. Will it help those with DID to be more understood? Or will it just create more stereotypes, thus making it more difficult? I really don't know.

I have a difficult time, admittedly, listening to anything Jerry has to say. It is not that I do not believe him. It is just that I have had a negative experience with the man. While I do not doubt the experiences of Walker, I cannot help but notice that Jerry writing the forward in the book will definitely help to put his hospital and program on the map. It does bring him into the limelight, as it were. Nope...not gonna give you a link to his site. You will have to find it yourself.

I have met him in person...Jerry, that is. I have communicated with him via phone, IM and email. I am not impressed. Oh, at first I was, when I met him at a conference given by a friend. He seemed to me then like a pretty awesome guy and I was very won over by his personality and his kindness. He very graciously offered to help me out with something then...and again later. The first offer did not pan out...no fault of his. The second, I simply did not ever take him up on.

I stayed in contact off and on after that and then did ask him for help with something, to which he again graciously agreed. I don't know if he changed in the time between meeting him in person and actually ending up trying to work with him; or if I just did not see him as he really was back then. All I know is that I happened to disagree with him about something and it all went downhill from there...fast. Is it him? Is it me? Is it both of us? I don't know. What I do know is that I had a very negative and hurtful experience with him and have no desire to see or talk to him again. Although, if he is willing to answer the questions I kept posing to him and have a real dialog...I would at least think about it. **smile**

Anyway, back to the book! I sincerely hope that the publicity brought about by this book will do good for those who struggle with DID. I truly hope that the only motivation for publishing the book is to help others. I don't know Herschel at all, so I cannot speak for his sincerity. As for Jerry, who it would seem encouraged him to write it since it has been stated that it was an important part of Herschel's therapy, well...I just don't know. There was a time when I would have thought I knew...but not any more.

I pray that those in society who have DID will not end up paying some kind of price for this notoriety. I have to say again that a very big concern I have is that Herschel openly says, and Jerry affirms, that he has a "murderous" alter. I would hate for people to think or believe that this is typical of people who have DID. From what I have seen, learned and experienced...it is NOT. So, that really concerns me about all the publicity surrounding this book. Many multiples have a tough go of things as it is. The last thing needed is for them to be painted as being murderous...or even just plain wierd.

It also concerns me that Herschel identifies himself as being mentally ill. Dissociative Identity Disorder is not a mental illness. It is a normal coping mechanism to an outrageously abnormal and horrific situation. I also do not like Jerry, or anyone else, saying that people ARE DID. People ARE NOT a disorder. They HAVE a disorder. **sigh** It always irritates me when people identify themselves as "being" DID...instead of "having" DID. I am so disappointed that Jerry did that same thing when talking of Herschel as "being DID". Come on now, Jerry...you, of all people, ought to know better than that! You are the "expert"!

So, again, it will be interesting to see how this unfolds. I wish everyone involved well.

Oversensitivity and Herschel Walker

I am so tired of feeling overwhelmed. Well...right now what I am referring to might better be referred to as oversensitive. I feel emotions so deeply...so very deeply. When I watch something that shows pain and suffering, I feel it inside. I want to weep. It seems like I have always been very sensitive to those kinds of things, but even more so now. I tried to avoid movies or TV shows that depict hard core things like abuse or violence. I just cannot handle it very well.

With the way society is nowadays, it seems like there is an awful lot of stuff I am sensitive to...even in "good" movies/shows. If it looks like someone is hurting, my heart just goes out.

I saw something recently that talks about modern day slavery. that is always hard for me. I get the Voice of the Martyrs newsletter and sometimes, I just cannot read it. I can only glance over it. I let my son read it, though, because I know it is important. I just feel too fragile sometimes. That makes me feel badly. What they are going through is horrendous. It is not that I do not care, but I guess all that I have been through myself has left me so fragile that doing life takes all I have. It isn't that I don't care. I just sometimes cannot look at that stuff. I guess maybe it reminds me too much of other things? Of cult things? I know that looking at stuff like that does sometimes seem to trigger flashes of stuff in front of my "eyes".

So, Herschel Walker has DID. I am grateful that someone was bold enough to stand up and admit having it. Yet, I am concerned that people might get the idea that all those with DID have this violent, angry, murderous side to them. It just isn't so. Some do...obviously. But many do not. I could get into this more...but right now I am pressed for time.

Well, today I had to revisit the place where I got triggered so badly by the music last week. But, I got smart this time. I just knew I could not go it alone. So, I made some phone calls. The first two were unavailable; so, I moved on to the next friend. Having an SRA history, as well as a recovery background, makes it interesting in trying to figure out who to call. Add the DID to that and well, it can get interesting. I got hold of a dear sister/friend and she prayed for me. And it really helped! The music did NOT trigger me. Something else did...but not too badly...it was manageable. It actually went very well! Praise Yahweh!

After 22 years in recovery I am relearning how to reach out, especially via the telephone. I have been kind of knocked onto my rear end. Although I have not been drinking, I feel as if I have. I feel as if I have just walked into recovery and need to get sober. Boy, do I remember those initial times in AA and how I felt. It has been over 17 years since I have had an alcoholic drink and yet it feels as if it were only yesterday. Wow! Phew!

Last Wednesday, I walked out of my t appointment and called someone from the grocery store parking lot. It was one of those times when I really wanted to go Home badly (although I would never act on that feeling) and I wanted to drink.

On the way home I called a dear brother...although he needed to talk more than I did at that point. That was good, too. Part of being helped is also helping others. I have also reached out online. Three calls, one IM...four people. Four dear friends who are willing to be there for me. I am SO blessed. And I know I have other friends, too, that I can call. How VERY blessed I am. These are all people who understand...even if only in part...my mental/emotional survivor issues. How awesome is that?

I am amazed at how Yahweh/God provides for me. I have prayed for Him to show me His provision...and you know what? He is! More and more...He is! Woohoo!

Being Heard and Being Believed -- MT??

Two of the biggest things as a survivor is being heard and being believed. Did I say two of the "biggest" things? Somehow the word "biggest" does not seem to do justice to how important these two things are. They are HUGE!!!! They are almost everything; but I won't say they are everything because that would imply that healing is impossible if you have no one to hear you or believe you and I just do not believe that. However, it is a whole lot harder and it contributes to it taking a whole lot longer.

When you have been through things that are as bizarre as what I and some of my friends have been through...well...you have enough difficulty believing it is real yourself without having others doubt it, too. It is especially important for those who are supposed to be supporting and helping us to believe us. I have sensed a certain amount of incredulity from my current t.

Oh, it was not open...but I could tell. And it was something I really struggled with. He does not doubt the DID. He does not doubt that horrendous, heinous things have been done to me. It is the details he struggles with. And he asks me questions that I am not able to answer. When I walk into his office, I am running on issues. I am not in a teaching mode. I need him to do some reading. I have given him some links and even printed off some articles. He has read some, but he is too busy to read much at all. For someone who has never worked with DID or an SRA survivor before, that he knows of, I think he should spend at least a little consistent time reading up on it. Or...calling my back home t since she IS a good teacher. She has over 20 years experience working with people like me. And she is willing to answer questions.

Well, I have been stuffing my frustration and have felt uncertainty about what to do with my therapy. This last session he admitted that he had been wrestling with what to believe. But he did finally get it that it was not important. I told him I was run over by a truck. It does not matter if it was red or blue...if it was daytime or nighttime...I was still run over by a truck. He agreed with me. I think he sort of apologized about it...but I really don't remember. I just know that I was glad to be validated in what I was picking up on. But I was also kind of ticked...although I don't think that really hit until later. I was too busy trying to stuff my feelings about his admission. At least he had the integrity to admit his struggle with me. That took guts, I think.

In the larger, more "sophisticated" cults, they have elaborate sets...like in a movie. They use drugs and hypnosis and these sets, complete with costumes, etc., to plant all kinds of memories. Some people think they remember living in a past life. Some remember being abducted by aliens. Some just remember things that could not have happened in "real" life. All of it is designed to make the person feel like they are crazy...or to make others think they are crazy. What adult will believe a child who says some famous cartoon character had sex with them. Yeah, right, honey. Costumes, sets, hypnosis, drugs...deception upon deception. That is how the major cult groups work. And yes, they also have genuine real life stuff they do...horrendous stuff. It is not pretty.

So, yeah...did it really happen? Sure it did! To us it did! It does not matter if it was an elaborate setup of deception or if it was a bonafide real life kind of thing...to us it was real...every step of the way. We remember it as if it was genuine...and not deception. And that is what we must work with!

When they took us to rituals and we saw the things taking place...did it really happen? Was it real? Was the death we witnessed real? Maybe. They do both...the real and the deception. But does it really matter if a particular incident was faked or not? To us, at the time, it was genuine. In our hearts and minds...the horror was real. The horror was genuine...not faked. So, what the heck difference does it make what is real and what is not...what to believe and what not to believe???

When we felt physical pain...it was real. When we were forced to do things that were horrific...it was real. What we experienced was real...as far as we were concerned...it was really happening to us.

Triggers...Ack!!!

It is no fun being triggered. That is a no brainer! I mean...heck...it goes without saying, right?

I feel as if I have been slammed back into my early recovery time. Well, not early recovery as a whole, early recovery as in the alcohol time. I was in recovery for a few years before I started to drink again and then realized that I needed to look at alcohol, too.

I don't know if it is programming...and music was used for programming? Or if it is just the typical stuff of having had a problem with drugs and alcohol...if it is that "I want to change the way I feel" kind of thing going on. It can be hard to say. I just know that there are certain types of music, certain songs, that just pull me back to a time I don't want to relive. And Saturday morning, I was in a place with that kind of music...feeling myself getting pulled into it. Along with it comes the feelings, the desires, the draws, the pulls, etc. I feel crazy inside.

I also feel rushed. I have been wanting to come and write, but I have been so busy...too busy in fact. It is overwhelming. And on top of all the busyness, I have been slammed into the past, struggling with some old issues, dealing with sickness in the family, etc. I feel as if what I am writing here is rather rushed... but oh, well. It is the best I can do right now. Ack!!! *smile*

I also feel kind of ticked off at my t right now...but that is a different subject that I am not prepared to get into at the moment. Maybe later when I have more time. It is actually good for me to feel anger. I know that he will be proud of me when he reads the email I sent telling him that I am angry with him. It does not say much...just that I am angry. With him.

Well, I gotta run. Got a lot to get done. I am going to try to get back here sooner.

Feeling Tired and Preparing for Meeting the Ex

What a day! I am very tired and have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. It was a good day, though. I got some things done that I needed to do, including a good talk with my middle son...the one getting married...about his biofather.

I am feeling better able to prepare for being in the same room with him and his wife. I am going to look at what is the best and what is the worst that can happen. Then I am going to make "plans" accordingly. I hope to write more here soon...but I have been so swamped and, accordingly, overwhelmed. I hate feeling overwhelmed, but oh well.

The Ex and the Wedding, part 2

OK...I need to be honest about how I am feeling. I am jealous...jealous of any time my ex may take of my son and DIL. I am assured that, as of right now, they are not invited to anything other than the ceremony...period. But will that change? Besides, it is not just this wedding time. I am afraid, I think, of the future. And how stupid is that?

At the ceremony, will I see interactions taking place that I don't want to see? I think maybe I am a bit insecure, too. My pride has me wanting to be always in a superior role to him...a vindicating role. I stuck it out. I was there for the boys, however imperfectly, when he decided he did not want to be married to me and when he decided that it hurt him too much to be a dad. He abandoned us in all the important areas while not abandoning us enough to give us the freedom to heal unemcumbered. Grrrrr!!!!

And I want to stomp my feet and say "You did not play fair so you are not allowed in the game! You are only allowed to watch...not that you should even be allowed to do that!"

BUT...I am also imperfect. I am keenly aware of my own parenting failures. And I love my children. I want to see them healed. There is a deep desire within a child's heart to have their family be real, be together and loving and safe and all that. I do not want to deny either of them the chance to have a real relationship with their father...which is what I struggle with regarding my oldest.

He wants relationship with his father...but his father is still flaky and so broken that he does not know how to have a real relationship. In fact, I don't, either, on both counts. I fail my oldest and his wife and my grandchildren all the time. *sigh* Who am I to point fingers? I am nobody.

So, I must face and deal with my own cruddy attitude in all of this. My ex deserves to find healing, too. He also deserves to find real love. As for his wife, well there is that, too. She believed his lies and did not really check for herself. She interfered instead of letting us sort things out...even if we were unable to work it out. She, too, is broken and deserves healing. Am I so ungracious as to deny her that?

Oh, how cold my heart can be. I can "justify" my anger at how he hurt my boys. But am I willing to allow him the grace to heal his relationship with his sons? How will I justify my anger if I allow them to heal? Maybe therein lies the rub. Am I holding onto anger against him? Am I harboring unforgiveness? It is definitely something to look at.

AAAAAAAACKKKKKK!!! Ex Coming to Son's Wedding!!

OK. So, I have PTSD. I am very dissociative. I don't travel real well. I need my space and I am out of my comfort zone when I am away from home all day. Shoot...I am out of my comfort zone IN my own home! Add to that the two flights across the continent back home to my middle son's wedding. Two because there is a layover.

I am really psyching myself up to having an adventure. If I can get through check in, I will at least be able to breathe then. We arrive around 11pm on a Saturday night...unless they change our flights again...only to be picked up and driven about 2 to 2 ½ hours away. We will be staying with my inlaws. I really like them, but it is not like being home.

On Friday, we will have to be taken by either train or car about 3 hours back past the airport to go check into one hotel and be picked up almost immediately to go to a wedding rehearsal and party. The next day we get picked up from that hotel to be taken out to breakfast and then to another hotel where the wedding party is staying.

The following day, Sunday, we go to a Renaissance wedding...all decked out in appropriate garb. *smile* Then we off to the reception until about 10 or 11 pm. Our bags will have to be already packed so that we can fall into bed. We will be sleeping in our traveling clothes as we have to take the first hotel shuttle at 6 am to the airport to start the two flights home.

This is a stressful time of year. I am maxed out and going nutso already. Add this trip to my regular stress. I am really fighting not to fly off the charts.

This son has refused to admit his anger at his bio father. When we visited at Thanksgiving, it was discussed that my ex was NOT invited, or even welcome, at the wedding, even to the degree of being bounced should he show up...my son's wishes. Now, I love my son. I have been concerned about his denial of the anger others could so clearly see. My hubby has adopted him and my son considers him to be his real Dad. But...he needs to accept, face and deal with his anger at his bio father.

Well...I am really glad to see that he is acknowledging something. He told me today that his biofather might be coming to the wedding. This, naturally, caught me by surprise. I asked him about it. This is what he said in IM:
"I've changed my mind and allowed them to come
...I don't think they deserve to come
...by allowing Joe to take part of something that he isn't worthy to take part of, ...it allows me to release part of the affect / anger he's had over me
...if that makes any sense"

I told him that I think he should do whatever he needs to do for his own healing and that it does make sense, although not everyone may understand it.

Soooooo...I could scream!!!!! I don't WANT my ex and his wife to be there. I am hoping they will not be dressed up in Renaissance garb...clearly marking a line of separation. I am selfish. And, yeah...maybe a bit jealous and insecure, too. I am very aware of my own failings as a parent.

Yet...I am so proud of my son and the steps he is taking for his own healing. This is a huge breaking through the denial. Yet...I am ticked inside. I very much believe my ex and his family to be cult...that our marriage was cult arranged...so that is another factor.

I feel sooooo tired. At first I was stunned. Then, when it started to hit and I could feel myself going crazy inside, I had to hide my true feelings because of my youngest son. Now...I just feel drained and...numb? I don't know anymore. I wanted to scream...but I think I got maxed out on the emotion scale? I think I am going numb...which basically means that I am stuffing...which is not good.

What is next? I hope he does not invite my parents. Although...I have mixed feelings even about that...and THAT is scary...because my father is not a safe person...neither is my mother. Who knows? I feel so conflicted and confused lately. I want to know if both of my parents are still alive. I want to know if my mother recovered from her stroke. I want to know how they are doing. I have even contemplated doing what one sheriff recommended and buy a cheap prepay phone from their area (if I can afford it) and call them on it. They might or might not talk to me. They might or might not even answer the phone...but I want to do it. I want to try. And I don't even know if that is good...or bad.

I feel conflicted and confused and tired and numb and?????? I want to cry...I think...not even sure about that.

What Makes a Good, or Bad, Therapist

Well, it takes all kinds...all kinds of people in all walks of life...to make up this world. Some are very self centered. Some are very other centered. I wish I could say that I am always among the other centered type...but I am not. I can be just as selfish as anyone else.

Among those who are here to help others...there are both good and bad. Some are bad because they are just inept...or because they simply need more training and/or experience. Some are bad because they are just plain self centered and are not really all that interested in helping others unless it somehow gives them something back. Some are bad because it is in their nature...they actually want to hurt others. In other words, they are intentional perpetrators.

I have had some really good therapists. I have also run into some bad ones. The good ones did not all have the same experience and/or training. Yet, their heart motivations and true desire to help others outweighed whatever they lacked in other areas. Another important thing, for me, is that they prayed for their clients and asked God for wisdom.

Even the local therapist I have now has no prior experience working with a client who has been through SRA or who is dissociative. Yet...he listens...and he really cares. He also prays for wisdom. His motivation is to genuinely help. When I need info on the SRA stuff, I can call my CA therapist.

She is another one who is wonderful. She has a heart of gold and lots of experience in my area of abuse. I can call her and send her things to read. She has helped me so much, even after we relocated.

The therapist I saw before her was also really helpful...probably helped save my life when I had no clue what was going on. He really cared. He helped me to the extent of his knowledge, but having no real experience working with SRA survivors, I eventually needed to switch over to one of his colleagues.

There have been a couple of others from many years before them who also really cared. I needed them for a time and then moved on. This is the longest I have stayed in therapy; but then, I am also working through much tougher stuff this time.

A good therapist is one who really cares and who is humble...not full of him/herself. Good ones are willing to admit they do NOT know it all and do NOT have all the answers. Good ones are willing to work to find the answers, though, and are teachable. They listen to us, the client. They don't just tell us what to do and how to do it. They help us to discover the answers and listen to what we think needs to be worked on. In other words, they don't right us off as being stupid or dumb or ignorant. They give us credit for working on our own healing.

Another criteria that is important for me is that they be solid, for real followers of Yeshua/Jesus. I want all of my healing done under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It is He that I want to lead both my therapist and me on this healing journey. I am not saying that other therapists are bad...only that they are not suitable for me. The fact that a therapist calls him/herself "Christian" is no guarantee that they are a good therapist, either. I ran into a local "Christian" therapist who was cult connected. It was NOT good!

Bad Therapists

I think I really need to write about some bad therapist (t) experiences. Not sure that I want to...but man, they are out there. Naturally, I cannot name any names. I kind of wish I could...after all...I should have a right to express the facts, right, to express my experiences? This is not hearsay...these are my personal experiences...things I went through with t's.

When dealing with the cult, however, or simply with wierd, or jerky, people...well, I just want to express myself without becoming TOO much of a target.

So, I need to come back to this and try to express what is on my heart without getting into trouble for it.