I have been pondering what healing looks like. I guess, with the PTSD, it is a simpler question to answer. I would imagine it means no more flashbacks. No more being suddenly hit with intense emotional pain. No more pictures running through my mind of past events and people.
I think it would also mean not being so drained, since the emotional flashbacks which are so draining would not be happening. Hopefully, it would also mean being able to think more clearly and not getting so confused.
But, now I am probably sliding over into another realm...that of dissociation. What is PTSD and what is dissociation? And how many symptoms/events overlap between the two? I honestly don't know. I tend to think the confusion comes more from dissociation, but I could be wrong.
But back to healing. I think healing would look like...no confusion. No being hit with odd feelings out of seemingly no where. No more feeling so easily overwhelmed. No more amnesia! Although...that could be a mixed thing. Do I really WANT to remember all the things I have buried under the amnesia. Honestly...probably not. Just knowing what it is about is sufficient. I really don't need to remember the details, thank you. So, does that mean that I really do not want to be healed? Hmmm...I never quite thought of it that way before. Maybe it does!
It is now known that the brains of children who experience trauma/abuse at an early age develop differently. If their brains were to be compared to a pc...it would be seen that they are hardwired differently. They do not work the same, which is why there are problems that last into adulthood...problems with how the brain processes things. I really need to read more on this subject. Perhaps it would help me to understand more of what happens with me and, maybe, even some ways to work around it.
One thing that is very encouraging to me is when I read about how Yeshua healed people who were blind or crippled from birth. It was not just about making eyes see...or making the brain able to receive the signals. The brain had to actually be able to interpret those signals. There are parts of the brain that have to develp in order to give us depth perception, for example, or to give the ability to interpret a table as a table. Those parts of the brain ALSO had to be put into place.
It is the same thing with walking. When a child learns to walk there are parts of the brain that develop. If a child never learns to walk, those parts never develop. So, the healing was not just about strengthening the legs. It was also about the brain suddenly having all the things in place for balance and sending the right signals to the legs to make them work. Wow!
Since Yahweh can do that in healing, it means He can also heal the brain from the effects of the trauma/abuse. Of course, God being God can always do that. I guess, really, it is more the fact that He HAS done it that is encouraging. He HAS healed some blind from birth and crippled from birth. So, not only CAN He...He has and will. Will He do it for me...in this life? I don't know. But I DO know that it will happen in the next life for sure. I will be given a new body...and that means a new brain, too. One that will be perfectly developed. I cannot even begin to imagine what that will look like.
Need I say it? I HATE flashbacks.
I don't mind triggers so much because they are clues to the past. But flashbacks for me are usually just deep intense emotional pain that hits hard...seemingly out of nowhere. Oftentimes, the only clue I have as to the source of the pain is whatever it was I was thinking about when it hit. And sometimes I don't even have that. I just get hit with emotional pain that is so great that it takes everything in me to not double over as I try to hide it from those around me.
Last night was different. The flashbacks were more defined. I saw people and places and there was a distinctiveness in the emotions. Instead of being all jumbled into one huge pain...I could feel separate, distinct emotions. It was rather overwhelming.
Thankfully, I was in an online meeting and I had a pastor friend who helped me out. Gotta love those guys. They are so supportive, even when I feel like a basket case. :) I wish I could find a way to deal with the flashbacks other than to just ride them out. They wash over me so strongly that I feel as if I am going to drown in the emotions.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have had times of sitting in the presence of Yahweh when the emotions from that were also overwhelming. It is an incredible experience to sit with God; just as it is an incredible experience to sit in the past. I would rather stay in today. If I have to experience something so intense, I would prefer it be the intensity of being with Yahweh.
I heard a sermon today on Nechemyah/Nehemiah chapter 9 and the names of God. (You can find it here: http://www.thevictoriouschurch.com/messages.htm. There are teaching notes at the bottom.)
Each name of Yahweh shows us some attribute of His...some way that we can be touched by Him...some way that He is there for us. This is very comforting to me.
I know that Shalom encompasses wholeness and healing. In the sermon, I also found out that it means the equivalent of "it is finished" or "it is done". This is what Yeshua said right before His death...it is finished. And it was. All that was needed to enable us to have a right relationship with our Creator - Yahweh - was done. All that was left was for us to choose to accept it.
Yahweh Shalom/Yeshua...God of peace, wholeness, healing...the finisher. I know that I have experienced that shalom even in the midst of deep emotional pain, which is about where I am right now. There are times when emotional pain will hit with such intensity that it feels almost as if I am going crazy. These emotional flashbacks can make it very difficult to function. It can also be difficult to hide what is going on, since I do not want to cause concern to anyone else.
Yahweh Yireh...God our provider. He has provided for me and for my family in so many ways.
Yahweh Rapha...the God who heals. He has also provided what I have needed for my healing in so many different ways and times. I know that I can count on Him for that.
Yahweh Nissi...the Lord is our banner in battle. I have had to fight spiritual battles. Yahweh has been my banner. He has led me and kept me safe in different ways, opening my eyes to what was really going on.
El Gibbor...Mighty God. He fights for me and protects me.
El Roi...God sees. He sees me and my situation and my heart. Nothing can catch Him by surprise. This is VERY comforting.
All of His names bring comfort in one way or another. I guess...as a survivor of abuse...perhaps this is extra meaningful for me. I don't know, since the closest I can relate to a non-survivor mentality is when I was living prior to some of my memory recall.
This is where my thoughts are today.
Last night I was so distracted by the emotional pain. My "adopted" big brother was online and he prayed for me over IM. He deals with non-stop physical pain, yet he was concerned about me. What a guy! He and my "adopted" sis (his wife) are such blessings to me. They know me better than most. No matter what ID I use in online meetings, the Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit always tells him it's me. He and I have a spiritual connection that is very rare.
Lilly sent me an email that I needed to get yesterday. It made me smile. We got to talk on the phone the other day and it was such a blessing. Today, Pam called me and we could only talk for a couple of minutes because I was busy with my son, but what a gift to hear her voice for even those few minutes. Yahweh always knows who I need to hear from and when. :)
All of my friends are gifts from Yahweh and I am blessed to have them!
Not sure how much I will be writing for a bit. This is a hard time of year for me. My sister's birthday, followed in a couple of months by the anniversary of her death on my birthday tends to be an emotional time. I am reminded of how the memories of her are locked up deep inside. Some part of me remembers her, I am sure. But me, out here, consciously, does not. And the bits and pieces I do remember...are mostly not good.
I have placed her in Yahweh's loving hands, for there is no better place to be. I have letters from her, somewhere, from when she was about 12. She writes of Jesus. She trusted Him back then. They tried to take that from her. When I had spoken to her as an adult she was into something totally different. But I trust that the little child within her never really gave up on Jesus. Actually, it is more that I trust that Yeshua/Jesus never gave up on her. He promises to never lose anyone the Abba/Father gives Him. He promises that NO one can take anyone from Him. Those promises comfort me when I think of my sister.
I picture her in heaven, in my Abba/Father's lap, being held by Him with His big strong arms around her, holding her close to Him. I "see" her leaning with her head on His strong chest, listening to His heart beating out of love for her, protecting her and giving her the love she always deserved to have from our bio father and did not get.
I "see" Him honoring her in ways that we were not honored. Respecting her in ways that we were not respected. I "see" Him being that Daddy that we so desperately needed and did not have.
I grieve for what my sister went through in this life. I grieve for the healthy relationship we never had. I grieve for the ways my mother purposely tried to keep us apart and never let us develop a fun relationship. I grieve for the way my sister became bulimic in a desperate attempt to have some control over her life. I grieve for the way she started to drink at 12.
I grieve for the way another cult group tried to gain control over her...and did. I grieve for the way she was manipulated and controlled...all for the sake of others' power trips. I grieve for the way she was trained in the ways of the cult...just as I was. I grieve for the child she miscarried in the pizza parlor that she honored me by trusting me enough to tell me about.
I am thankful that I got to see her a few times in the years before she died. I am thankful that she got to see her youngest nephew and meet Dave. I am thankful that she was a fighter who would not give up. I am thankful for the few things I have of hers to remember her by. I am thankful/hopeful that she no longer has to endure the pain of this life. I pray that she truly is in heaven and that they no longer have her.
Thinking of her brings up so much for me. The family power struggles. The cult power struggles. The controlling and manipulating. The jealousies. The false guilt trips. So much sick stuff in my family of origin. (FOO) I remember thinking the first time I saw "foo"...how appropriate! Foo on my foo!!
I sit here writing with tears sliding down my cheeks. I remember when I first decided to seek her out. It felt as if we were strangers. I felt NO emotional connection to her at all. But she was my sister. I sought her out and tried to develop some kind of relationship with her simply because...she was my sister.
It was incredibly hard. Of course, back then, I had no idea of our cult background. It was still buried deep within. We were both still being accessed, but I was clueless. Trust was not there. She did not trust me...and actually, with good reason I realized many years later. **sigh**
When she died, I had gone away to work with a woman who was a lay counselor. We were praying and asking Yahweh to bring healing and to restore the memories and show us what was inside. It was an incredible, awesome time. And during that time, she died under rather suspicious circumstances. I got two radically different stories regarding her death. Neither of them made any real sense.
A therapist I work with who has many years of experience with cult survivors had the sense that her death, timed as it was, may have been a warning to me as I was pushing to remember and deal with my past; which, of course, resulted in my eventually breaking free from my parents and the cult. Sometimes, I wonder if it is was that they were afraid that, if I broke free, I might actually be able to help her get free. And they did want to give her up. Well, if they did kill her, or in any way contribute to her death, they just set her free. They cannot touch her in death. Nope! She is safe now. And I will hold onto that.
Last night, as I went to bed, my thoughts were on my sister. She has passed on into eternity. It has not hit me real hard this year...or at least not yet. She died under some suspicious circumstances. I have seen her autopsy report. It is a joke. In fact, I am not even 100% sure that she is dead. I saw what was supposed to be her body, but it did not look like her at all. I told my father that and he insisted that it definitely looked like her...insisted rather strongly. He would not leave me alone with her. Her body was on a gurney, totally covered, except for her face, with sheeting. They did not have the money to really do anything with the body.
I won't go into all that happened around her death...not now. Maybe someday in the future I will. Personally, I believe her death was cult arranged...for more than one reason. Either that, or they faked her death and what I saw was not her body. It is my prayer that she is in heaven. That is my only comfort.
OK, as I write this...it is starting to hit me. The tears are on their way. I wish I could have known her differently. I wish I could have been the big sister she deserved to have. She needed someone to love her...to protect her...not to be her trainer.
I am gonna sign off on this for now.
This question was posted:
what do you mean... seek out your history? and why?roseHi, Rose, you ask a good question. I am partially amnesic. It is something that will be coming out more and more as write this blog, but I will start with the most blatant part of it that I see. I don't remember my younger sister.
You see, I have a sister who is 8 years younger than I am. I lived in the same house with her for at least 10 years. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of real memories I have of her. I have very clear memories of photos of her, but that is not the same thing. I even have a set of photos I took of her at a special event; and yet, try as I might, I can only get hazy bits of memory about that event. Looking at the pictures does not evoke any real sense of being there. Nor does looking at any of the other pictures I have of her.
I don't recall when it suddenly struck me that she was gone from my consciousness. All I know is that I was an adult and had been away from home for quite awhile. I do have one memory of being with her once when I was visiting after I had moved away, but that is about it. What I remember of our conversation was very telling and very sad.
I also came to another realization one day. As I was looking at the photo albums my parents had it suddenly struck me that all of my younger childhood memories were just the photos in the albums. There are no moving pictures...just still shots. Almost all are from the third person perspective, as if I was there as an observer looking at myself instead of experiencing it as a participant, being myself. My mother had told me stories about the photos many times over the years. Somehow, my mind had taken the stories and the photos and created "memories".
Both of these realizations came as a bit of a shock to me, but I know I must have been ready for it. I know that God allows things to be revealed as I am ready for it.
So, for me, I had to let go of what I used to think was my history and start seeking what my history really is. I have asked the One who knows all about it...God...to lead me in this adventure. And that is exactly what it has been...an adventure! It has also been incredibly hard and led me to remember things that rocked my life.
I don't know the details of what is left buried inside, but I do have the overall big picture now. I have also read enough information on what I have uncovered about myself and met enough other people with similar backgrounds that I don't think there will be too many surprises to come.
I cannot really force any memories to surface. So, what I mean by "seeking" is that I try to be open to what comes up. I try to have an open heart and open mind.
I hope this answers your question!
I have found in the years of my life that healing largely consists of choices.
I had to choose to seek the truth about who I am and what my purpose is.
I had to choose to seek out my history.
I had to choose to accept the truth...to embrace it.
I had to choose to embrace the pain that comes with it and to work my way through it.
I had to choose to not run away from what is revealed and from the pain it brings.
I have found my main healing has come through my relationship with my God, the One who created the universe and all that is in it. As I have drawn closer to Him, He has led me along an incredible healing journey, some of which I hope to share here. He has led me to people who have helped me tremendously. He has brought healing through many different ways and people all throughout my life. What an awesome ride it has been. I look forward to seeing what remains of it.
I am still partially amnesic and the secrets of my past are still being revealed to me, bit by bit. These secrets are not pleasant ones, but they are part of my story.
So many people just do not want to believe abuse happens, even when it is under their noses. I think, for some, it is because they have not dealt with their own abuse and, therefore, cannot handle seeing the abuse of others. I had a very wise pastor tell me one time that it is hard for people to hear about someone's pain when they have undealt with pain themselves. This is because hearing the other person's pain touches their pain.
And for others, they cannot admit that there is such darkness as abuse because they have no answer for it. They believe that this life is all there is and it is too terrifying to believe the abuse is real. They live in a world without hope and feel helpless to do anything about it.
Others are such sensitive souls that they are too hearbroken by the thought of it to admit that it happens.
Some are simply deceived. They have been lied to and told there is no evidence for it when there is a LOT of evidence for it.
There may be as many reasons for not believing in it as there are people who don't believe.
But it does happen. Regardless of the reasons people have for not believing in it...it does happen.
I know...I am a survivor. And I have friends who are, too.
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